Dust particles cushioned the moon
suspended in our recoil; a cloud of cobalt ocean waves who sang the silent night. The stars blew hackneyed phrases at the world, and it all got caught in my eyelashes and sparkled when I spoke.
But the whispers withered quietly
like the sad remaining cornflower who dies because of pity.
Your voice diffused in the wind
until we were hushed with dew and the grass felt wet under our skin. Darkness silently evolved and spewed us into the night’s stomach, where we only blinked and touched each other because we both were human.
It was only Van der Waals forces holding us together, nothing more.
I became pear-shaped in the moonlight
as I echoed like the taste of blueberry hovering about your lips. Your tunnel vision made me seem like merely a pool of phosphorescence, not a woman.
Not a woman at all.
In a list
A contest entry
- prewrite by Melissa Gayle.
400 points, ended September 23, 2007, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PIF - Blue Moon by amaranthine lover.
525 points, ended September 26, 2007, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I want your best! anything goes, Also hurry because i hate waiting! by urapns66.
350 points, ended April 1, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - SHORT POEMS PART 3 by Blooming Poet.
300 points, ended April 5, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites by Ami.
550 points, ended July 12, 125 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critique welcome.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
-
Beautiful poem and congrats on the Gold in the other contets. One thing that bothers me though is how you putso much on each line. I don't know if that is how you meant to or not, but it appears too crowded.
-
it is definitely interesting how i can see this being both a tale of love and a tale of war, i mean if you think about it there both similar in so many ways but share opposite properties in our life's, or so we would like to think, love can definitely hurt and that is when it is almost not worth having at all. well any way my favorite part was probably the last stanza.
"I became pear-shaped in the moonlight
as I echoed like the taste of blueberry hovering about your lips. Your tunnel vision made me seem like merely a pool of phosphorescence, not a woman."
great job and good luck! -
this is certainly beautiful I love it
-
Amazing! Man, I love your writes.
"Your voice diffused in the wind
until we were hushed with dew and the grass felt wet under our skin. Darkness silently evolved and spewed us into the night’s stomach, where we only blinked and touched each other because we both were human"
Gorgeous!
~Candy
-
The title jumped out at me, "Cobalt"....I love that word, and the strong color image it evokes.
I love "The stars blew hackneyed phrases at the world, and it all got caught in my eyelashes and sparkled when I spoke" and
"Darkness silently evolved and spewed us into the night’s stomach, where we only blinked and touched each other because we both were human". I think those are the strongest lines of the poem, in my opinion
Also, "I became pear-shaped in the moonlight
as I echoed like the taste of blueberry hovering about your lips. Your tunnel vision made me seem like merely a pool of phosphorescence, not a woman.
Not a woman at all" is totally great too, a wonderful ending. I think it feels finished, personally. But I'd also love to see you add more.
This is probably my favorite poem that I've read of yours so far.
-
"Darkness silently evolved and spewed us into the night’s stomach, where we only blinked and touched each other because we both were human."
"Your tunnel vision made me seem like merely a pool of phosphorescence, not a woman.
Not a woman at all."
ha..whoa..so
yea....
Adding your comment:
1 - 6 of 6
