Cool winds pass through the dull street-light,
dancing with the debris of day,
and I'll dance with them through the night,
to find fit words that I should say.
Dancng with the debris of day,
the hurting words we cried too loud,
to find fit words that I should say,
I failed to, and alas we rowed.
The hurting words we cried too loud,
cut deep this man as I stood tall,
I failed to and alas we rowed,
with words which brought about my fall.
Cut deep this man as I stood tall,
and staggered out into the night,
with words which brought about my fall,
wrapped round this chest binding too tight.
I staggered out into the night,
and I'll dance with them through the night,
wrapped round this chest binding too tight,
cold thoughts pass through the dull street-light.
Andrew Hide
11-09-2007
Author notes
AndrewHide http://allpoetry.com/poem/958063
In a list
A contest entry
- The Pantoum Challenge by Denierim.
2000 points, ended September 30, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Rhyming Break up Prewrites :] by Ami.
510 points, ended July 30, 55 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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ah after the madness of poetry in the site these days, yeah, some poetry. the pantoum, a good form, well penned.
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ANdrew you never disapoint me!!!! This was so haunting and amazing! We all have to live with things we say that may not be so kind and with words spoken too us hat cause us pain. That "debre" cuts like glass sometimes. Some pain just last longer than others. Written by a Pro POET! Love ya Andrew! ~Lurie
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Great haunting pantoum that you have penned to well
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What a lovely pantoum. I love repeating line forms and you have definately done this one well. I like the emotional picture you have painted here. Interesting background too!
Best wishes,
K
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creepy...and it really makes one think....great write!
Blessed be! -
Cool winds to cold thoughts - very nice Andrew, atmospheric and almost a pent up anger displayed, despite the recriminations of "alas we rowed".
Alan
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Oh, this is such a strong story. Filled with hurt and this eerie feeling that lurked around the piece while reading it. A human being can be hurt in so many ways, and this really described well how it might happen. This is a very strong piece and I like it a lot!
There were a few things that disturbed me. Some of the lines were a bit long compared to the others, so they broke the rhythm time to time. I was wishing the rhythm you used in the first stanza would stay the same through the piece. Also the last stanza seemed a bit forced, repeating the "night" twice and everything... But otherwise I liked the wording and the meaning behind those words. The rhyme was great and all in all this is a great Pantoum. Good work with this one!
I especially love the first line. It's just beautiful in its eerie way.
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This is a bit wounded, haunting. We can hurt others with our words so easily and I'm certainly trying, always, to watch my own tongue. Gossip is the "debris" you speak of. We reap what we sow and this is the "binding." Just my take. Well done! Strange, Andrew, but I read your profile and I'm doing the very same thing--revamping my work--and so on. I'm going on six years in January. Long time, huh? Wow! I'm a bit stunned here. Been gone for quite a while too so I feel like I'm having to learn the inner workings of the site again. Ugh! Great to see you again, Andrew! And, you are not aging fast at all. Not at all! Love to you and yours! Be blessed!--Kel :
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Interesting, having no knowledge of Pantoums, I am guessing it has something to do with the way you repeated certain and important lines that fall into the poem well in more than one area. I could be wrong, but that is the feature that stood out the most!great job!
Miss Marie -
Pantoums are awesome. Good stuff. Please feel free to check out my profile in addition to some/any/all of my works posted on this site.
-Curtis Meyer -
The repetition was effective . . . same lines in different places throughout the poem was an interesting method of re-enforcing the mood.
Question - "and alas, we rowed." - what did you mean to convey with this line?
Love the poem! Thank you for sharing this!
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beautiful and creepy, especialy with the orange on black
nice repeats. Some of the syllables felt too long for me, like "this chest binding too tight.", but it seemed pretty integral, so not sure what there could be done with it.
Thanks!
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and TWO poems to come to in one day ... fabulous ...
my heightened sense of enjoyment sunk a little when i saw 'pantoum' as i dont know the form at all - although i get some of the gist (hell, its hard enough getting a handle on tanka and haiku !) ... but in the reading there is much about it i love ...
the first stanza is fabulous ... these lines are so filled with imagery ... and emotion (for me) ... cool/dance/dull/debris -
Cool winds pass through the dull street-light,
dancing with the debris of day,
and I'll dance with them through the night,
or at least it sets up the emotion that comes through the poem itself ... the rowing and hurting until the final stanza picks up the first stanza again ... its like the first and last are 'settling' while the in between stanzas rage....
enjoyed muchly ...
! >>> Gina
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