In the moment before sunrise and as nature holds its breath,
staining sleepy skies with subtle hues;
when the air is fringed with fever like a born-again believer~
a transformation tinged with transverse tones;
When the spangled net of Pisces draws its diamonds from the sky
leaving servile high sea sailors lost from sight,
and the waning moon now wallows in its horoscopic hollows,
and feebly fading, follows in their wake;
As birds on branches brace themselves for breaking out in song
with tantalising trills and rousing riffs,
their nature will embelish with environmental relish
the hellish hallowed stupour of the night;
And everwhere around us the anticipation grows
for something quite profound is taking place,
the night owl fluffs its feathers while the donkey chews its tethers
and in their nest of heathers stir the mice.
In the moment before sunrise as a new day lifts its head,
while the weary and the wise dream dwindling dreams,
as our electronic horns proclaim an embryonic morn,
a glowing amber dawn denotes the day.
Author notes
Concentrating on internal rhyme in this piece. It is a valuable tool and I enjoy playing around with it.
This was created during a sleepless night (4 am to be exact)...so I'm just about to witness my own amber dawn! ...yawn...
A contest entry
- MUSE ABUSE II : INTERNAL RHYME, AND ALLITERATION by Everwind Rising.
450 points, ended September 12, 2007, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PREWRITES!!!! by PerfectImperfection.
600 points, ended January 19, 2008, 34 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Lose Yourself in Words by myusikah.
425 points, ended June 11, 2008, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Tired of HM's (VIII) by PatheticKt.
300 points, ended August 20, 2008, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Only Rhymes #3 Nature Lovers by januaryrain.
1000 points, ended March 8, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Take me on a Journey through paradise by aslanlight.
450 points, ended July 30, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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So the birds were drunk last night?
Seriously this is an astoundingly original poem. Unique in style and concept. Excellent metaphor, you drew me in with your descriptive imagery and I'm left with a tangible feeling, which doesn't occur often!
Peace Georgia
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I write a lot of 4am poetry so I know some of the best things come from it. I really enjoyed the internal rhyme of this piece and the ease with which it flowed. Well done. Best to you in the contest
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...what I particularly like about this is the rhyming scheme...due to it not being restricted to one line creating a strong sense of assonance...
...as far as I'm concerned any poem written at 4am is one that completely delves into your subconscious which is a helpful tool to have...I personally enjoyed this a lot due to the context seeming to describe a canvased scenery that effects only those that can understand it...and I love poems like that...
Good Luck in this magical contest
Oliver
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Oh my, I am so sorry, I thought I had commented on this beautiful poem. I really like the internal rhyme and loved the poem as a whole but this line is amazing.
When the spangled net of Pisces draws its diamonds from the sky
Love it,
thanks for the entry and I hope you enter my next rhyme only contest, which I shall be running within the next week or so.
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One of my favourite times to write and favourite subjects
Some really lovely poetic devices in this, great stuff all round
This contest is hard work, but loads of fun
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Well done!
Wished it was mine. Good use of technical tools and clear are your images.
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two words;
quality.
ok one word then.
i like to to listen to the harmony of the dawn chorus;
rousing riffs and all. i wonder if they are together in song or just bitchin cos its time to go to work.
it's a sweet sound,
apart from that woodcock that lives at the bottom of my garden, he gets up at 4.30 every day. coo-coo-coo, every day at 4.30.
that said - i liked your poem
and i like the silence
nice one
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I wish I could write like this at a sleepless night!
This is a beautiful, enchanting poem and a wonderful imagery at that.
I think I can point out why this keeps winning HM's here:
The flow, to be honest, was a bit bumpy
especially when you seem like you're continuing the lines
in an enjambment through stanzas . . .
. . . too much of ";" as well ^^' Also, it should be thrills in line 10.
Putting that aside, I really admire how the lines were penned and no need to add more, just rearrange it, you know?
All in all, this is a very lovely piece
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I like this. It's cool. "When the spangled net of Pisces draws its diamonds from the sky" That is really beautiful.
Good luck!
--> pia♫♪
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I really really like the internal rhyme. Beautiful vocabulary. Beautiful poem. Great job.
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I love this so much... It's so great because you can see the scene happening while you read it! It takes you on a journey and the words flow wonderfully together... You did a fantastic job!!! ^_^
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So very lovely, this should have won gold. It was very moving, and the imagery was purely pristine. Absolutely amazing. Great job here. ~ Kerri
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HOT
NICE I RELLY LIKED THIS POEM I FIND IT VERY INTERESTING AND NICE. YOU REALLY INTEREST ME WITH THEM FIRST AND LAST SATANZAS. YOU KNOW I WISH PEOPLE WOULD WRITE POEMS AS YOU WRITEM YOURS I JUST REALLY LIKED WHEN YOU WROTE THAT WHEN THE AIR IS FRINGED FEVER LIKE A BORN AAIN BELEIVER. IT TOTALLY JUST IMPRESSED ME. FORTUNATLEY I NEVER WRITEM SUCH COMMENTE. BUT YOURS BLEW ME AWAY RIGHT OUT OF MY SEAT. THIS IS POEMS EVERYONE SHOULD WRITE. I DO KNOW PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT WAYS OF WRITING POEMS BUT YOUR IS REALLY UNIQUE I LOVED IT. YOU KNOW SOMETHING NO MATTER WHAT JUST KEEP WRITING. YOU TRULY DESERVE IT. I LOVED YOUR POEM KEEP UP THE GOOD JOB. NEVER STOP WRITING. BRAVOM JOB!!!!!!!!!!! -
Sunrise Earth in HD
Excellent images and internal rhymes interspersed throughout. It there is such a thing as aliterative overdosing, this poem has it! "Fever" "born again believer" is awesome! "feathers/tethers/heathers" was pretty cool, too! I like this poem a lot. Great poem. Beautiful topic. You have captured the magic of the tedious event well! The world behind the world in original song at www.nakedadam.net
What do you think? Aloha, friend! -
After a night of sleep and replenishment, the morning breaks and all these images you have here are taking place. Easy to read and understand; good flow and natural scenes.
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Honestly,
I feel that you should have won other than an HM award for this wonderful piece.
Indeed the imagery here is wonderful and I thank you so kindly for sharing such vividness.
Keep writing, and see if you can enter this in another contest...I loved this.
Ephiphany
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Fabulous!
This was a very imaginative piece that
captivates the senses. I'm almost inclined
to believe you were sippin on the grapes
of ecstasy while writing this poem.
It really is a brilliant display of vision
and imagination. Beautifully written
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wow! this is amazing, wonderfully written, and greatly described. congrats on your hm's and take care
keep it up
stephanie =) -
TANTALIZING!!!
This was prompting me to want a perfect sunrise and I got it...This poetry is tailor made to anticipation of somethig great, which is skillfully delivered at the end: a new day... the poetry is excellent and I am curiously content with the entire poem... DW
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After a fine run of beautifully expressed ideas it seems that daylight has intruded on the rather prosaic final two lines. Internal rhyme more than good.
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I really enjoyed the rhyme and meter to this, although the final stanza seemed to jar a little by comparison, perhaps this was intentional. Great imagery and the alliteration matched the atmosphere well.
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A very interesting piece of scattered thought. Abstract and thoughtful in its presence. Nicely penned! Thank you for your entry & Best wishes in the contest!
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Thanks!
Nicely doen with the internal rhyme. This was a very pleasant read. You set up a scene very nicely!
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You work a beautifully sustained tone through the varied images. Skillfull and artistic at once. Congratulations.
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Beautiful imagery here. I love the sense of anticipation you build in this piece. You do a great job of creating that emotion- that feeling of awaiting the miracle of day's dawning. You have excellent use of alliteration and good internal rhyme. The periods at the end of the first four stanzas threw me off a little as each is an incomplete thought. A semi-colon at the end of those stanzas might be more appropriate punctuation. Very well written piece.
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Stunning!
What an intricate and unusual style... sort of prosey yet unmistakably poetic with, as the rules stipulated, internal rhyme and alliteration, but sans any end line rhyme! Very gutsy choice (my mind would never have worked like this at 4 AM!) but pulled off deftly and, once again, should be doing a post-contest cruise of the winner's circle! Best of luck!
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