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Wormwood

A fount, those lips, of nectar vile,
its flow, a jagged razor blade
fed by delusion's trickery.
This poison of the foulest grade
drips ceaselessly from your false smile.




Author notes

ABCBA rhyme scheme, iambic tetrameter

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • ronnica
    November 27, 2007

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    I agree this is poetry, of age and yet still new.
    Your words flow deep and cut, yet give us pleasure


  • Shamanicmusings
    November 14, 2007

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    I really thought this one rather good and I have learnt a new style at the same time.
    I rather like technical poems as a challenge.


  • tender-butterfly
    September 25, 2007

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    Grreattt

    Thank you for this wonderful entry.
    This is short and soo very meaningful...
    I love it...

    Well done and all the best

  • TooRainbow silver member
    September 24, 2007

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    Bravo!

    Now that's poetry!! I do have a suggestion, if I may. Your last line seems a bit awkward to me. Perhaps if you deleted the comma in your fourth line and wrote "ceaselessly drips from your false smile." in your fifth, you wouldn't lose much meaning and would aid the flow. Another fix might be to make "ceaseless" an appositive by placing it between commas: "it, ceaseless, drips from your false smile." I think the former would flow more smoothly since the latter would leave the word "it" between commas, as well...just too many commas that way. Some may read it choppily. Don't want that! There's nothing wrong with your poem (it's a first-placer, if I say so), except that "ceaseless" where you have it written is an adverb and should end in -ly. It's great to see someone who can make poetry using form without getting into sing-songy, non-poetic statements. Too often that is the case, but certainly not with you. Masterful write!! I hope you win the gold!
    Sheryl


  • sunny day
    September 12, 2007

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    Short and filled with elegant verbiage. Your rhyme scheme is excellent. I love the picture you painted here with your words so golden. It flowed smoothly and filled the mind's eye with some vivid imagery. I'm never disappointed when I stop to read your work and this was another fine example of that. Best wishes in the contest with this one and thank you for sharing in the gift of your pen. Kudos for such a fine piece. Love and God bless, Joyce

1 - 5 of 5