Or at least that’s the way it feels.
I used to believe in karma,
You get back 3-fold what you put
out there in the world.
Now I’m not so sure anymore.
There are those who take me for granted,
Take me for all I have
My money, my love, my heart and my soul
Never thinking to pay me back
Or ask if I’m all right,
Or if I need help or anything in return:
their needs more important than my own!
They don’t think that I might need help too,
Just to make it through the day.
They take my money and credit for their mobile phones,
While I try to get by on my own.
My help is useful, my needs ignored and unimportant.
I could scream and shout from the highest mountain,
But no-one would hear me.
I could cry endlessly for days,
But they wouldn’t see my tears.
My heart could break out of sadness,
They’d only see a brave face and believe what they see to be true,
But it’s a false façade!
I want to name and shame them,
Those who have taken from me but not repaid my love and kindness.
First, there was P, my ex-boyfriend,
Who took EVERYTHING I had to give,
Only to be dumped by text 2 days before 9/11.
He said I wasn’t making enough of an effort!
The cheek of that low-life bastard! I shall never forgive him.
He expected me to do everything for him...
My ex-boss, M, walked all over me,
My work was never good enough,
Taking his temper out on me,
Unnecessarily!
Another ex, S, never gave me all I needed,
Yet said I couldn’t give him what he wanted.
Ex-boyfriends cause the most hassle,
Even when you aren’t with them anymore.
M & I argued more after we split up,
Than we did when we were together.
He couldn’t give me enough of anything when we were together,
But when it came right down to it, his family and friends came before me.
My brother, G, owes me money,
But is in San Francisco
And is in no apparent rush to pay me back.
My youngest brother, E, always comes to me,
When he needs money to pay off a debt
Or buy another car.
He treats me like an ATM machine.
R takes money for cigarettes and mobile phone credit,
But is too caught up with his own mental problems to notice mine.
Friend M always needs money and help,
But is beyond help now.
Fighting daily battles with drink, drugs and gambling
But also has a child to support.
Mountjoy is practically his home.
I can’t give him anymore!
My ex, T, has a new girlfriend,
He eventually got himself a car,
He’s moving on without me...
He only wants my friendship,
But I want more.
Best friend, T, never replies to my text messages,
Always too busy,
No time for me…
Best friend, C, cares about me,
But will always have health issues
Out of her control.
She is a person I can trust and talk to about anything.
P, old school friend,
Who just came back into my life,
Knows how to make me blush, smile and laugh
But would rather give me his love than take anything from me.
My mother thinks only of herself,
She looks at me as if she despises me,
Even though I’m her first-born,
I know she loves the two boys more.
She broke my father’s heart,
And now they sleep apart.
She turned his world upside down 3 years ago,
When she said it was over.
Now he just wants to work himself to death.
I cannot stand what she has done to him.
I’ll never forgive her!
He is a wreak, an empty shell of a man, a ghost of his former self,
He doesn’t deserve it!
My father, an old fashioned, hard working man,
Who deserves only the best,
But is lucky if he gets a word in,
Or his feelings heard.
He is worthy of so much more.
These are the people, who anger me, annoy me and frustrate me,
They destroy my spirit.
To all of those, who have used then ignored me,
I am taking it all back,
I’m taking back what is mine.
I want my heart,
I want my soul,
And I want back my dignity and respect.
For all that you lack,
I am taking it all back,
No more shall I be your doormat.
My money, my credit,
My heart, my help
And my love:
I take it all back!
I am just so tired and want to feel whole, more like myself, again.
My spirit has been broken,
But who will help me repair it?
You’ve had your fun,
You’ve worn me down and mistreated me.
Be warned: I am about to reject you,
Just as I too have been rejected!
Written: 10th September 2007
Author notes
You may feel privileged to learn that this is indeed a new poem, even though they are few and far between these last few years. This just came flowing out of me today. This is a rare gem, but I would definitely not rate it as one of my best. It does not exude the high quality of my earlier work. I have already added bits to it here and there.
I just opened the floodgates and this is the result. lol
I seem to write my best, or, more than I have previously written in the last four years, when I am angry or sad or frustrated or depressed. I have to be feeling this way to write, it seems. Happiness does nothing to inspire me and nothing new gets written when I’m happy. I am still unemployed but no-one seems to notice that I might want, or need, some emotional support but nobody seems to be offering their services to me. The world revolves so quickly, there never seem to be enough hours in the day to do everything or contact everyone, yet I still get left out. I am no longer part of a couple so I don’t get invited out with others or to weddings or parties anymore. I seem to be singled out just for being single. How irrational is that?!
I do not want to display my status on Bebo as “Down For Whatever”. That implies so many things that I have already done before. I want my status to remain “Single”. “Down For Whatever” is so degrading! Why can’t those who show that see how it could affect them? I do not want to be seen as someone who would do anything, say sexually, for another person, just to satisfy them. I refuse to publish such a statement. I will not degrade myself any more than I have already done so in the past.
This is mostly my way of getting some of my anger out, as I am just so frustrated and annoyed with the people in my life, my friends and family, at the moment. I do not feel quite like myself, nor do I seem to care about my friends’ problems anymore because they don’t seem to care about mine. Once again I feel like I’m running on empty but yet no-one wants to seem to help me replenish myself. It’s not something I can do alone. So, this is my revenge: I’m taking back what is rightfully mine. No more, no less: just everything I’m owed!!
Did your heart drop/fall/melt/break when you read this? That’s what happens to me when I read an especially sad or heartbreaking poem… If that is the case, then you are feeling just like I am right now. Do you feel your eyes welling up, ready to cry? That’s exactly how I have been feeling most days lately. It’s not a nice feeling. Did you mouth the words “Oh no” to yourself while you read it? Then I have achieved my aim: to make you feel as sad as I do. Mission accomplished! lol
By the way, for those of you are unfamiliar with Dublin, or Ireland, Mountjoy is a prison.
P.S. I neglected a stanza for someone else who proved that I meant nothing to him while we were together. My ex-boyfriend, R, seemed to get off very lightly [in this poem] because I did not even “name and shame” him along with my other exes. Although, I utterly disdain him, I guess I subconsciously decided to omit him for a very good reason. He is the reason why I no longer speak to my ex-best friend, M. He started going out with her only 6 days after he and I split up. They were together for less than a year but I couldn’t face M knowing that she was going out with R so I told her [M] to get lost. I haven’t spoken to her in about 7 years. I blame him, of course, but I blame myself for throwing our friendship away over a guy who only cheated on her and left her anyway (because he’s that type of guy: cheats, lies etc.). I should never have trusted him and I regret ever meeting him. He should have been named, but he is not worthy of my time or my writing skills so I am glad I left him out.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I read every word ...
and I know this path you are travelling. There is a solution, Precious One: be your own best friend and start to care for you, then you will be able to care for others, and that does NOT cost money. People only wanting your money should learn that you are more valuable than glitter.
I am a Believer and I know all things belong to God. He asked you to take care of what He has given you. He will also make you sensitive to WHOM to help and whom NOT, moneywise that is.
Never hold back on love and forgiveness.
Blessed be, Shauna.
Myra
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Oh so painful here, how hard it is when everything is crashing on you, families and friends, puting you down, using you, feeling sad and alone all the time too as you are, when all you ever wanted was love, someone to hold you, to hold on to too...
I hope everything works out for you ther shauna,
Antonio
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Thanks
Thank you so much for your kind words. It's more than anyone else seems to give me these days. My mother had words with me this evening because I forgot to pass on a message to her last night. She does not complain often, even though I know she wants to, so when she does it always seems to be to me - or rather at me, like she's taking it out on me. She is so ungrateful sometimes, yet says the same of us (those of us who still live at home, that is). I don't need her anger. I despise her enough as it is. I was never, nor will I ever be, her favourite. The 2 boys are more important to her than I will ever be.
I do appreciate your kind words. As I said in my comments after, it was just a chance to have a rant and a rave of my own. If no-one else will pay attention to me in the real world, I know that someone else on the Internet will, like you have here on Allpoetry. Thank you so much. -
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It's so hard to feel that heaviness inside you, sometimes I feel that too, yet sometimes like can never feel at all because of all the pain
Your welcome always shauna, I'm always here if you need me
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