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Words Wait On Platform 8



Feet glued
to polished wood

palms clamped to hair and bone

the eyes
of every nemesis in stone-

words wait
on platform eight

(but) trains turn on rusty wheels

and pigeons
carry thoughts on broken heels.

Dogs pound
the underground

ghosts guard the light above

while letters
fly like alabaster doves.


Author notes

I am addicted to red wine. This is about being trapped or unable to express yourself, lame carrier pigeons, stone doves, etc. Emptiness, hopelessness, frustration and madness are what i'm trying to convey, please let me know if i've succeeded.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 81 of 81

  • Fire-Fly
    April 13

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    Interesting write - the AN helped I must admit.

    Not sure it's really my thing but I do think you conveyed what you intended.

    A good write.

    Thanks for entering and good luck in my contest.


  • Symphony
    February 6

    Edit | Reply
    Congratulations on all the trophies that this has won for you

    I'll admit that the Author Note helped this to make a little more comprehensive sense in my mind, however the unusual rhyming scheme [not quite full rhymes, but still related] was enjoyable to read -

    And I certainly got a feeling of darkness and frustration from this - they were the first two emotions to leap out at me!

    Thanks for entering


  • hotchocolate gold member
    February 2
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    This has a diffierent flow to it but I liked it! Thank you for your entry and good luck


  • Luciferschild
    January 10

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    the form adds a weird sort of flow to it but the flow was good, i liked reading this, thank you for entering and good luck in the contest


  • SmartBrick
    November 30, 2008
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    Very GOOD!I liked the catchy title!~

  • ecrivain01
    October 16, 2008
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    Not bad ...

    thanks for entering.


  • SchizoChic
    October 1, 2008

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    So few words yet such an impact. You did an excellent job on this piece. Best of luck to you in the contest


  • nevadapoet
    September 6, 2008

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    What a beautiful write, a great entry for this contest. A perfectly penned write with great flow and good imagery. Thank you for the entry. Keep the pen flowing...the pleasure was all mine.
    Nevadapoet

  • piccola silver member
    August 30, 2008

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    I love the title and the line. The image of an alabaster dove is a good one. I found all of the imagery to be good, but words wait on platform eight just sticks in my head. nice work

  • davidbetzer
    July 19, 2008

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    You have definitely succeeded in being trapped or unable to express yourself. Your AN was right about that. Unfortunately, that was the only insightful thing you wrote on this one. What is this 1992?


  • innocence jaded.xx
    July 7, 2008
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    Could you please put the option number in your AN? Thankks ♥


  • Angelo di Luce gold member
    July 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    exelent
    good luck in the contest


  • completely mad
    June 12, 2008

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    I enjoy the phrases you have used here...in a way it makes no sense, but still reading it I can portray someone insane, feeling madness thanks for entereing


  • Expat4Cebu
    May 26, 2008

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    This "kinda" works

    This poem does convey anxiety but some of the phrasing doesn't work well for me. Overall, I do like it.


  • MartaJay
    April 8, 2008
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    Its really a deep poem. Great job!

  • Virgoan
    March 30, 2008

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    I love the depth of this one. The more I read the more I get images hidden in the piece. A bit abstract but very much felt. Indeed, a finalist

    Thanks for sharing and keep writing.

    HENSLEY


  • B Chandler
    March 20, 2008

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    Apologies

    I am sorry but because the rules states ten lines or less, your entry is being removed as it is over the ten line limit.


  • Blooming Poet
    March 18, 2008
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    this is stunning and so poetic. especially here: ghosts guard the light above while letters fly like alabaster doves.

  • californiagirl
    March 11, 2008
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    I'll be honest...This didn't do much for me. Thanks for your entry and good luck!

  • Blooming Poet
    March 6, 2008
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    Very creative. I love the descriptions in here. For example instead of just saying doves you said alabaster doves, it makes your poem even better, even thoguh I don't know how possible that is. :)) Fav lines: and pigeons carry thoughts on broken heels.


  • LadyUnique silver member
    March 4, 2008

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    yes you have succeeded
    it's amazing how few words you've used to show desolation. i'm thoroughly impressed! off to the finalist list this goes and i wish you luck from there


  • daviscth silver member
    March 2, 2008

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    I think this did exactly what you set out for it to do. The imagery is wonderful. Thanks for posting.


  • knock
    March 2, 2008

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    you a goddam whore o' these contests, a goddam whore i tells ya.

    I didn't trip on the pigeons.

    Come on Kes, come on!


  • Pandorea
    February 13, 2008
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    wow...this is awesome! abstract, yeah, but so vivid. great!


  • whispernthedark Greeters member
    February 9, 2008

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    I too trip up on the pigeon lines, but the rest of write is wonderful. Thank you so much for entering the contest, good luck.

    ♥
    whisper


  • leander Moderators member
    February 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You have managed to paint quite a lot of imagery within the words here, and the use of metaphors in very well done too

    I had a bit difficulties though to 'imagine' something with the lines:

    and pigeons
    carry thoughts on broken heels

    Either the metaphor is too deep for me to understand, but pigeons and broken heels seem to have to relation with each other to me... Educate me

    Thank you for entering the contest, I wish you the best of luck!
    Leander


  • Metaphorist
    February 7, 2008
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    Lots of stunning images here. Thanks for entering.


  • Amy Meneses
    February 6, 2008

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    My goodness you entered a lot of contests haven't you. I enjoyed the simplistic element of this and how it represented the simple yet complex aspect of the urban life. Possibly this is now what you were getting at? Anywho, welcome to the finalists!


  • Annexed Josephine
    February 5, 2008
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    this has Tom Waits all over it- i only hope you know who that is- or this will not make sense.


  • N e a r
    February 3, 2008

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    Abstract, but powerful in its hidden meaning and hardcore imagery....
    Miraculous write.

    Thanks for sharing & entering my contest A N Y T H I N G ~ G O E S ! Good luck!

    M a r l u x i a


  • Avatar of Innocence
    December 20, 2007

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    Simplicity at its best. Quite a marvel in the not too rhymy rhyme scheme. Good for you. But the rhythm does seem a bit metrognomic. I have no real criticism for this piece other than there should be variations of this poem. The ideas and the uncomplex imagery could start whole new poems. Think of this as zooming in a great picture. On a whole it is great, and the lines (the pieces) could be catalysts for whole new works.


  • XChrisUnknownX
    November 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I enjoyed reading this. It was short, caught my interest. Though I'm not entirely sure I understand it; Therefore I'd never be able to praise it fully or even critique it; So I'm left with saying; Good- Keeping writing


  • The Godfather
    November 20, 2007

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    Confusin'!

    Your poem is completely off target and cannot make it any further within the competition becuase this is not a poem of imagery or fantasy, sorry!


  • Southern Darling
    November 14, 2007

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    PRETTIFUL!!! Okay, I'm done being my best friend. You've got a lot of great lines in here, packing abstraction into a solid form, and pretty-factor along with. I don't feel the CONCEPT of this poem, so much as the mood of the words and the breaks forcing it into shape. You've also made imagery work for you, adapting it into a tool to build your house of understanding. Very well done, darling.


  • Nicolette Everett
    November 10, 2007
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    I like how this poem is written and how you wrote the words for it. Very nicely done!


  • Naridill gold member
    November 8, 2007

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    wow~! Loved it, this piece is so 'place perfect word here'. I can't explain why, but this is beautiful~~!

    Thanks for entering and much luck ~~~!


  • Griswold gold member
    November 2, 2007

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    Excellently done, with great flow and visualizations. An excellent job all the way around on this...Scott


  • bananasfoster42
    October 26, 2007
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    this is an awesome poem. and thanks for tellin me which option you picked! ty for entering!

  • bananasfoster42
    October 24, 2007

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    hey there! not quite sure if that option in your notes is for my contest or another, so if you could specify which you chose for mine that'd be great! i'll come back with a real comment later XD


  • TheAshtrayGirl
    October 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    :)

    I love this poem
    It's got great images and slightly frightening side to it. Great job
    Good luck in my contest
    From Jaz <3


  • Nam
    October 22, 2007

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    Has good imagery, a little abstract in the telling but that's not a minus. Overall, I found it to be a nice poem that you have written here.


  • HeavenonEarth
    October 18, 2007

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    Melodic Beat

    Tight rhyme could for some reason all I could think of (and I hope you don't take offense to this because I liked the beat) but of STOMP's beat. although you can tell this has a haunting image within..
    definitely can't put my finger on it but sometimes that's what the author is going for
    All the best in the contest dear friend
    ~Joy


  • katie-jo
    October 13, 2007
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    Very unique and well illustrated image.
    Thank you for entering and all the best in the contest.

    ~kate


  • Mezclita
    October 13, 2007

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    An orignal write with a nicely illustrated message... will confess i had to look up "nemesis"... but now i think i get what you're saying in its entirty... thanx 4 it!


  • Kikai Ni
    October 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is beautiful; everything seemed very still, though very active. You used much imagery, but that only made it better. Thank you for entering it.


  • Corinthians13-4
    October 7, 2007

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    I liked the imagery and symbolism in this piece... very nice. You guys are shocking me with the depths of your writes for these! Well done and good luck.


  • Procrastination
    October 3, 2007

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    This was very different! I like different =]
    I see it's been around the contest block a few times, and quite rightly too, it's very good.
    Good luck in the contest.
    Chemical Kisses,
    Emily x


  • Aralyn Leighanna
    October 2, 2007

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    Thank you for entering your beautiful work, but I am afraid you do not qualify, due to the lack of following all of the rules. I am sorry, for it is a beautiful write.

    Live and Let Live,
    Aralyn


  • perfectsunset gold member
    October 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Lovely

    Wonderful words of imagery in this. Great ideas and ellaborations. These lines were beautiful "ghosts guard the light above

    while letters
    fly like alabaster doves." It gives off a serene feeling throughout this poem. Best of luck in my contest!


  • Dead Lover
    September 28, 2007
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    good

    I love your imagery keep up the good work


  • mcw120588
    September 28, 2007

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    im going to go ahead and assume option two was not for my contest. however regardless the poem is extremely well written with amazing images. ill wait a few hours to judge to see where you would categorize this. but i think its an excellent write. thanks for sharing


  • Sandygram
    September 26, 2007

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    This was an amazing poem. A great take on the picture. You always write with such amazing imagery. A pleasure to read my friend. I could feel the words you penned. You take care, Sandy


  • eyespy
    September 22, 2007

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    Awesome!!!

    Right on target!!! This is a great poem, and worthy of at least one of the trophies Best of luck to you!!!


  • kill the lights
    September 22, 2007
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    ooh
    very nice =)
    imagery rocks

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    September 20, 2007

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    I absolutely love the imagery you have here, the only thing that I didn't like was that your stanza's were either a single line or a couplet. I think adding some of those together would really benefit the flow.

    That aside, this is extremely well done. You have a very clear balance of imagery and abstraction, but not so much that you cannot understand the piece as a whole. Great piece.


  • crystallynnbradford
    September 19, 2007
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    this is really cool


  • The Cube
    September 19, 2007

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    Wow, not that is abstraction! A great piece of writing. Not really sure what to make of it. I suppose it depends on the reader to decide its meaning. Great work!


  • hidingintheshadows9
    September 18, 2007

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    This poem really expresses alot of emotion it is very mysterious but it is totally awesome keep up the GREAT work.


  • cricketjeff gold member
    September 18, 2007

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    It needs the picture

    It is an excellent description of the picture, but maybe I'm just not "visual" enough to decipher it on my own.
    I like the rhyme, obligatory complaint about the forced one!, and the clipped style.


  • daisybee
    September 18, 2007

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    first off, I probably don't understand this the way it was intended, but heres what it said to me..
    it made me think of time spent waiting,whether for a train or not-and the way we daydream and fill that time with thoughts that somehow get snatched away when we try to recall them later... I liked it,because it made me think.


  • Inside and out
    September 14, 2007

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    It's been a while since I've read your work...What a wonderful poem filled with creativity and artistry. A truly enjoyable read. Thank you my friend.


  • Lady Eventide
    September 14, 2007

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    WOW!!!!

    Ok, first off, I really was expecting something great from you, but...I guess you're like a rainbow: you're prepared to see one, but are still fascinated by it.

    You are most definitely a rainbow, man...and this piece...I saw all of it like I was there!

    WOW!!!!


  • Auburn Sunrise gold member
    September 13, 2007

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    amazing

    I am very impressed by the vivid images your poem created - it painted a picture for me that was more complete and vivid than about any poem I've ever read. I love your simple, sparing style - much impact with few words.
    Your diction is very important in this piece. If you had not chosen the specifically right words to be placed in the perfect spots, this poem would not have worked as well as it did.
    As you wrote it - it is phenomenal.
    Amazing piece. I would say it deserves a gold!


  • hilly
    September 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    and pigeons
    carry thoughts on broken heels

    I like that. I'll be honest, I wish there had been no punctuation. It seemed to be heavy on this minimalistic type of poem. While I think you have some good flow and rhyme (etc.), I couldn't get a grasp on the actual storyline, so maybe all that rhyme and whatnot is kind of distracting.


  • Maddogk
    September 11, 2007

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    Spellbinding poetry here... A metaphoric beauty..

    We often have trouble seeing past ourselves and into the night... especially after a hard day travelling on a train...
    Well done ...

    Jeffro


  • Poetic-Theorem silver member
    September 11, 2007

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    Excellent Imagination

    You captured the image in a brilliant metamorphic passion. You leave the reader Intrigued and leaves one reading between the lines. I believe this concept is great. For me, this style is difiicult but so very impressive.

    I love the following;
    "palms clamped to hair and bone;

    the eyes of
    every rival set in stone.

    Words wait
    on platform eight~"

    Brilliant and very Original!
    I wish you the very best in the contest!
    David


  • Disturbed Prodigy
    September 11, 2007

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    this is a wonderfully done poem and i think you did a creative job on this, one of a kind, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest

  • Justin3
    September 11, 2007

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    I think this poem is excellent, the imagery especially the way you turned normal scenes into the most abstract of images I thought it wonderful.And the form is unique as well.Well done!


  • freebutsafe
    September 10, 2007

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    The beginning I found was good...though I cannot understand the meaning? Okay....is it that no-one notices anything, through the hustle and bustle of normal life? I will have to look up 'alabaster'? or is that the name of the pigeons? Anyway...the write is spaced, which gives readers time to take it all in! Thank-you for sharing...differant!


  • Melodies
    September 10, 2007

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    A metaphoric poem!

    Ah, the deadbolts of life and how we are so set in our routines, ever stalled and not able or willing to spring forward to grasp the prize! The eternities weep for our fragility and even our best efforts do not sail as they might, if only we had the courage and steadfastness to set out on new adventures.

    I beautiful poem! My interpretation, which I enjoyed very much. This poem tastes like fresh-baked bread and smells delicious. There is dramatic music... a symphony by Beethoven playing.

  • Vera Rich
    September 10, 2007

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    I am too tired and too stressed out by overdue deadlines to say much... But - although I can appreciate surreal imagery, I do like to get the practicalities straight. And a "polished wood" railway platform does seem a little strange.

    And, even more so... do pigeons - or indeed ANY birds - have heels? This line does tend to give the impression that "heels" is there simply to give a rhyme....

    Sorry if this sounds crass and undiplomatic...

    It is just what struck me first... And at present, as I said, it is all I can manage.


  • tawk gold member
    September 10, 2007

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    I too could picture a train station with people coming and going like ghost in the night. Wonderful imagery and emotion throughout. I so enjoyed reading. Excellent write.

  • Francis Vincent
    September 10, 2007

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    really good job

    the imagery is fabulous
    i read it quite a few times
    each time polishes the meaning a little more
    a simple scene comes to mind
    a station
    ordinary, everyday scenes
    people waiting, mingling, dreaming
    as the train comes in
    everything is ajar
    now it's time to go
    "i got a meeting"
    "i need to get to the store early for the sale"
    "i have to meet her for lunch"
    life abounds
    as the train leaves the station
    "ghosts guard the light above;"
    as the scene changes
    people trickle onto the platform, etc
    the process begins again
    and all that is left
    is their passing thru (ghost)



  • Revwilliamfoos
    September 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    i think that it makes me feel like i am at the train station. i dcan feel the mustiness and if i close my eyes see the vision very well done
    love the rev. papa


  • Luna Tique Fringe
    September 10, 2007
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    Oh, yeah...I like the addition, looks like you won't be riding that horse.

    "while letters
    fly like alabaster doves."

    Well done, m'lord.



  • love my jose luis
    September 10, 2007

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    I think this is beautiful. You have wonderful imagry. I think that you have a great way of showing what you are talking about with your words.
    ~Alix


  • WulfDiamondLou33
    September 10, 2007

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    i love how you wrote this..but in truth..i dont understand it..witch is a first for me... i do understand thing part "Feet glued
    to polished wood~

    palms clamped to hair and bone;

    the eyes of
    every nemesis in stone."

    but truth...thats all i can understand...

    I am sorry but i do like this peace and i hope many others will read it!!!

    Diamond

    ~~**Remember Mezeker Mylove Liston 8/10/07**~~


  • Ender Tyberius
    September 10, 2007

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    I like the structure and the read of this poem. Its short and simple, and the descriptions you use, very nice. Well done!


  • Karen Layne
    September 10, 2007
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    Interesting..I'd love to see the mental picture that brought this one on. I think it would be fascinating.

  • Luna Tique Fringe
    September 9, 2007

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    I like this, unfinished or not. It has this indefinable something...I'll be sure to check this one out again..send me a link when it's done, please

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