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Duality

Your smile has become a frown,

My sight moves through your changing eyes;

Since you have removed your crown

I fear what I have realized.


Your duality just scares me

In a way nothing else does;

I'm frightened now, because I see

I was your changing's only cause.

 

You've changed for me, in good and bad,

And now you wear a cheap clown's mask;

Have you forgotten what we had?

You are so dual, I'm afraid to ask... 

Author notes

For the Picture Inspired contest, by Poetic-Theorem.
This is the image that inspired me:
http://allpoetry.com/images/ext/Image/27/722.jpg

A contest entry

Tell me your opinion

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 16 of 16

  • Lady Michaella
    July 5, 2008
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    Thanks for entering! A great interpretation of the picture!


  • Re-invention silver member
    June 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    it has a very clear message but the rhyme scheme was a little forced... but you made it seem less forced in the last stanza, which made an austandind ending... bgreat write!


    • masky
      June 6, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks!! I think I will re-write this piece, someday (when my muse gets back!), in free-verse. Perhaps it would work better ^_^

  • piccola silver member
    April 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I so relate to these words. Duality seems to be the fashion now...I am bi-polar and even with meds it's hard to control. Ruins a lot of relationships and only people that really love you have the patience to stick around.
    Thanks for entering. I find little problem with the rhyme or meter...maybe I'm deaf lol. thank you for entering.

    • masky
      April 11, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Oh, God, I never knew. I am sure that being bi-polar is hard-I never thought of my poem as of a reflection of bi-polarity, but now that you point it, ...I think it is. Thanks so much for opening my mind a little more!


  • leander Moderators member
    February 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Another poem that many people will be able to relate to in some kind of way if you ask me. The flow was a bit wobbly here and there, but nothing to worry about

    consistent rhymescheme you have here, and though it leans toward the clichéd side of poetry, the fact that the changing was because of you (and for you) takes it out of that area

    Thanks for this entry as well!
    Leander


  • trista gold member
    December 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I looked at the picture that inspired this, and I like your interpretation of it. It is close to being cliché, but with the added twist of someone changing just for us, it gives it a fresher spin I liked.

    Just from looking at the poem and seeing the couple of uneven line lengths, I expected there to be some problems with flow, which I did find. It's most noticeable to me in L5 because of where the accents and stresses fall in the line compared to other ones. Maybe consider something like, "in ways nothing else does". It's not a huge change, but gives it a little different rhythm that may work better for you.

    The rhyming could use a tad bit of work, IMO. It's not horrible by any means, but "does" and "cause" don't really rhyme, and L3 seems forced. "Since you have removed your crown" is rather vague...what does it really mean? If it had been "a crown of lies" or something metaphorical on that order it might have worked better for me. Similarly, the meaning of your 2nd line was a bit fuzzy also.

    Lastly, I think your semi-colons would be better as periods, since the sentences you're separating aren't that closely related.

    Anyway, these are all just some things you may or may not want to consider.

    The ending stanza, especially your last line, was my favorite. It really tied the poem together nicely. A good and fitting title too, btw.

    Thank you so much for your entry, and good luck in the contest.

    Best wishes,
    ~J.


  • lilith78
    November 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    People are not always who we think they are . . . structurally, your poem makes good use of rhyme, but some of the lines are too long or too short compared with their rhyming lines. It makes it difficult to catch your use of subtle rhyme - example: "Your smile turns into a frown,/And I can see right through your changing eyes;/I know you have put down your crown,/
    I fear what I have realized."
    Could be written as:
    Your smile has become a frown
    My sight moves through changing eyes
    Since you have removed your crown
    My fears have become realized.

    This is just a suggestion - it is your poem . . . best of luck in the contest.

    • masky
      November 23, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Oh, brilliant, thank you, lilith78!! This was a strssing stanza for me, it just didn't feel well. I'm off to editing!!
      Reply edit: I made a combination of your way and mine. I hope it's better


      • lilith78
        November 25, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        I like it!!! Keep writing - you have talent!


  • Poetic-Theorem gold member
    September 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Great perception of the pic prompt, which is not an easy on to write about. However you did a wonderful job in bring the picture to life.

    I love the ending stanza;
    "You've changed for me, in good and bad,
    And now you wear a cheap clown's mask;
    Have you forgotten what we had?
    You are so dual, I'm afraid to ask...

    Leaves the reading thinking????????
    yes, we do change all the time....
    but is these changes bad or good.
    Great way to descibe life as well

    Thank you for the entry and I wish you the very best in the contest.
    David


  • MissStranger
    September 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Vi,simply amazing(again)!!! good luck in the contest!


    • masky
      September 10, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks^_^ There are many good poems entered...I'll need it!


  • Shauna D
    September 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Interesting

    I liked the contest of this poem. It was both interesting and thought-provoking. I have seen peoples' personalities change, most notably that of my most recent ex-boyfriend. He was so caring and generous when we started going out but he was like the complete opposite of this when we split up.

    I can feel fear here in this piece, though, although I'm sure the portrayal of violence was the inspiration for this poem. It reminds me of the story about Jekyll and Hyde in some respects, as I have now just seen the picture that was the inspiration for this poem.

    It is a great write. Well Done poet!!


  • individuality gold member
    September 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    a good piece, ah life and love, and all the masks people wear inside the realms, good luck in the contest.


    • masky
      September 9, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you, good luck to you as well !

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