I'm falling apart
I'm a complete mess
I'm numb from my head to my toes
There's no one to talk to
There's nobody there
But I'm tragedy, everyone knows
Imperfections crowd the surface
Invading the mind within
I'm not beautiful, nor smart
I'm not athlectic, nor am I thin
My thoughts are clouded
And hard to read
I can't understand
Why I must suffer and bleed
I'm starting to give up
I'm starting to cave
Nothing good has come
Of all that I gave
Take one look and you'll see
The girl that I pretend to be
Faking smiles, laughing loud
But I try to blend in to the crowd
People see me for who I'm not
But little do they know
From within I rot
Get to know the true person I am
But then again, why would you give a damn?
Nobody knows why or how
But everyone knows I'm a not so beautiful disaster
A contest entry
- IF YOU WANT EASY POINTS AND A SHINY TROPHY... by lexie like woah.
675 points, ended September 14, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Whatever. by wonderbandalice.
600 points, ended September 12, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ROUND 1; Perfect Prewrites by They Say Shannon.
450 points, ended September 17, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - whatever you want by Anonymous Shadow.
600 points, ended October 1, 2007, 119 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything and Everything by californiagirl.
300 points, ended September 20, 2007, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-write Party [Why not?] by DancingRed.
300 points, ended September 26, 2007, 53 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Yes I feel many could relate to the feelings expressed in this piece, whether they are young or old. It's very angst-y - that feeling is almost overdone in most poetry, I feel.
I'm partial to not want end rhyme at the best of times, but many of these rhymes came across as quite forced and unoriginal - everyone's heard the classic 'be/see' and 'read/bleed' rhymes. Also, your rhyming only comes in part way through which hinders the flow a bit.
If you do want to rhyme, perhaps you could try keeping the syllable counts the same in every line to give a better flow. I find that usually works.
Thanks for entering.
DancingRed. -
I loved this! I truly did. Thanks so much for your entry!
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I'm sorry, but I no longer have time to comment all entries because I have recieved so many.
So I am only commenting the ones that have followed my rules.
Unfortunately yours didn't.
I really appreciate you taking the time to enter but it's going to have to be DQ'd. :/
Good luck in your writing!
<3 -
Hm. Well, this was okay. It would be a lot easier to read if it was separated into stanzas, and some of the rhyme is a little forced.
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really good. _nora
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option number? great write, nice rhyme. didnt lose focus so brownie points for that. thanks for entering my contest and best of luck.
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Words out of my mouth...
I love the expression in this poem.
One thing though..some of the lines rhyme and some dont so it throws the flow off somewhat. Then when some rhyme they rhyme every line and then occassionaly they rhyme every line. I think consistency would be nice. This is not even a poem that needs to ryhme and when they dont rhyme, you are so much more free about what words you can use. I love the rhymes as well I just think that is should be kind of all or nothing,does that make sense?
Let me know if you have any questions about that..
Like I said, you have taken these words straight out of my mouth. I can relate to every worry and thought you expressed. The truth that I know about life though is that no one has to live our lives except us. I spent years trying to not really impress the people around me but I tried to fit in i suppose you could say. I just recently graduated from high school and as I look back i realize that because of trying so hard to fit in, I never really allowed myself to find out who I really was. I look back and realize i should have just been myself and I could have helped other people do the same. There is not a day that goes by where someone doesnt think about other's opinions. That is human nature. It's ok to let those thoughts run through but we can't afford to dwell on them. No one is as critical of ourselves than US. No one expects as much out of people as themselves. We are the only person we are guarenteed to know for the rest of our lives. Why should we spend our time trying to impress people, fit in or even just try to understand certain parts of life if it is not who we are? I encourage you to keep writing because I loved this poem. I know how you feel but I hope you can come to accept yourself. No one is perfect. i know that is cliche, but it is true. We all make mistakes, we all doubt ourselves but I think if we all took a break every once and a while, we would be more accepting of ourselves.
I hope at least some of that helped..
keep up the great work. I look forward to reading more
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it started off rocky...but then it blooms like a beautiful flower! This was great. And i get you, its like highschool life. the people wanting to mold you in to something that aint you!
GREAT write!
~DaNi
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the true person...
Very well written... but full of the angst of the teenage years my friend! We never seem good enough at that age... not attractive enough... not smart enough... I really like the way you have brought those feelings to the fore and described them so well in this work!
Excellent!
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