My life has always been
unloved and unloving,
moments on a canvas...
splashed with intermittent light.
Cloud bursts of flavor,
that I rarely get to savor...
quickly washed away,
leaving puddles on the ocean top
and rivers that don't run dry.
But then you entered, my rainbow
with your colors always bright,
your taste is everlasting,
every lick and every bite.
You lock onto my senses
(exploding in delight),
with every syllable,
every brush stroke,
with every shade of light.
Each frame...and flash,
of your lips,
like two bodies smacked together
at the club, on Friday night,
lures me to exotic places,
where euphorically I follow,
as you paint me...deep
into your world,
with a brush...and careful strokes,
while the rest of our days are spent
touching it up,
the pictures always changing,
but the colors stay the same...
I'm into you...too deep now,
and the paints not even dry.
Author notes
whyitt u.
Inspiration #4 http://www.deviantart.com/print/487672/
A contest entry
- pictures get me off. you? by grass.
650 points, ended September 17, 2007, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - III by N e a r.
4000 points, ended February 16, 2008, 121 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Hit me with EVERYTHING. PW OK! by z etoile.
375 points, ended March 28, 2008, 56 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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this was very colourful - you did a great job describing this one, with so many hues filling up your poem;
i thought that this image in particular was very original, and well put together,
"like two bodies smacked together
at the club, on Friday night,"
Great work; thanks for entering
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great idea and great expression of that idea
well done
thanks for entering -
I like this. The only criticism I can make is that describing a smile as "unforgetable" is a bit unimaginative. I am sure you could come up with a fresher way of putting it- perhaps an original simile or metaphor.
Thank you for entering my contest. -
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how about digitally untouched smile??
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You are thinking with your right brain. Get into your left brain. Don't tell me what it looked like- show me. What does the smile look like? How did it make you feel?
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i think my left brain is in a coma
....how bout now?
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You have a very original simile below. How about this?
Each frame...and flash,
of your lips,
like two bodies smacked together
at the club, on Friday night,
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yea i kinda thought that too....i guess sorta feel in love with digitally untouched....I'll find another place for that at a later time, thanks for the input!
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Amazing
This was amazing. You took a wonderful picture and gave it an amazing message through this. I loved it. Thanks & Good luck.
BabyLove--x -
Oh I liked this one a lot! I loved how you personified colors in a rainbow. And the ending I loved to about the paint not being dry that was amazing!
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you know i really enjoyed reading this; it was a cute way to tell someone that you love them!
as for the rhyme scheme it was bit off towards the end but the rest was very well written :]
no suggestions here sorry hun
♥
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WOW. This is amazing in description, vivid detail, colorful aspects, and just... everything, literally. The ending is a real phenominom as well. "And the paints not even dry." GREAT!
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Thanks for entering my Valentine's Day contest, and good luck!
M a r l u x i a
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I like the metaphors, especially towards the end. Comparing the painting to falling in love and how it effects us. I thought the ending lines captured this well. The first few lines were beautiful too, but more in the imagery than metaphor, so they move around nicely.
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Beautiful ending. This piece is nice and sensual. A very timed and smooth inspiration from the picture. Your phrasing is nicely executed.
Thanks for entering,
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"Cloud bursts of flavor,
that I rarely get to savor..."
quickly washed away,
great lines! anyway, great job and best of luck in this contest!
~rocklover91 -
holy god, whyitt! stop being good! seriously! I love you, boy, I do, I do. I want someone to make me feel like this.
my only complaint:
"But then entered you, my rainbow"
I want it to say "but then you entered, my rainbow"
because I'm ocd and it sounds better.
I fucking love this. -
Colorful...
I love it. It was magical,it was amazing,it was....everything... -
This one is a rarity of happiness and I can only hope it is sincere.
I hope you're really happy sweets.
Angie
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wow I never even looked at the painting but your words speak volumes, wonderful metaphors, great imagery and fantastic flow.
Bravo
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this speaks volumes and I can so very well relate to every syllable and word on this page
it is as if I met my twin
magnificent write and I love the usage of your vocabulary
and imagery of alliteration.
Tamara
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Wow, what an awesome interpretation of that photo. Very sensual and loving... I had no idea this was for a contest, and honestly, was surprised to find out it was inspired by a picture. Good luck in the contest, what a great write!
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