I am from flashes of memory;
From immigrant parents and a stamp labeled "first generation",
I am from relatives from distant lands.
Born from a British family of only 10, we are tiny voices, but a skin color that contain the power of an eagle is every palm.
But I am also from a grandmother with wrinkly hands that smell like lemon curd, who will never know that her grandaughter is gay and
I am from play structures almost too wobbly to stand,
monkey bars a million years old but still only 5 feet from the ground.
I am from too many hospital visits and stays that are too long,
from wobbling down the hallways that smell like illness
with only an IV in one hand, wondering if I’ll make it to the computer room,
to sleepless nights when the throbbing pain in my head is too much to bare.
I am not from callused fingertips, having given up on my guitar one too many times but instead am from
piano melodies coming from downstairs,
my mom playing me to sleep,
and vocal chords that have already done more than their fair share of work up on the high notes.
I have come from a 4 year old bike riding
with dad’s sunglasses on, to sloshing through the mud
with a backpack as big as myself and campfire flames
that smell like adventure…and flooded tents on riversides. Nights spent singing songs and inhaling the scent of burning watermelons.
I am rooted in bare footed summers;
gravel no longer has an effect on the rough soles of my feet, but the sun still beats down on my numb,
smiling face,
as harsh as the ‘be nice to your sister’
I hear my mom command.
Rooted in a mind that grew up thoroughly believing
the only practical use for umbrellas is fort building in the front yard, among the bikes, hula hoops, basketballs, and skis tucked away in the garage
that’s where I am from.
Hiding in my journal with iPods, cats, new shoes for the school year, and always space for old friends, I am from a place of hiding but have now begun to emerge as the woman I want to be.
Author notes
This poem is one I'm working on for school and I've been working more on seperate pieces than an actual cohesive poem so far, so if you have any suggestions as to how to tie everything together, that'd be great. Also, please feel free to tell me which verses don't work for you (and possibly how they could be changed) and which ones do. Thanks!
In a list
Suggestions please!!
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I really like all the imagery. If I were to show you the particulars of what I really liked, I'd copy and paste too much and look like a point hog.
You use some form of "wobble" in verses two and three. It's a pretty fantastic verb, but you should replace one instance of it so as not to repeat yourself.
Could use some better line structuring. I wholeheartedly approve of this free verse, but your lines are so long that they lose the reader. Break them up some more. That will also allow you to ditch some of the punctuation, which you have too much of throughout the piece.
Play with projective verse, maybe, and stop bothering about making things into sentences, and squishing compound sentences into one line. You are making more work for yourself by trying to punctuate everything properly, I think.
You have a lot of "junk words" such as articles, pronouns, prepositions, and the like. Cut out as many as you can, because they are just clutter that distracts from all your excellent images.
Good good good stuff. Really enjoyed reading this. -
omg, is this from the walt whitman thing?? we had to do this exact assignment, the "i am from" poem. for art class. anyways, amazing write, it really shows who you are. (reminds me a little bit of something i would have written
)
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I like it.
The verse verse didn't make sense to me though, syntactically, or perhaps lexically (I am not sure). Also the verb contain is missing the 's'.
I really like the idea of being from memories, as thought the self is no more than its experiences, not fixed, but a process, ever changing. But it meets those whom wish to label, those for whom change is disturbing (and so is difference).
Also, the line about your grandmother who will never know that you are gay. I think that is wonderfully phrased as it speaks volumes to me of the problems that can be faced when relating to traditional cultural values - I assume you mean that you could not tell her.
The comment that you have already received offers some very good advice on how you could tighten up the whole poem. I don't think I could add more. However, I woul dbe happy to read any re-writes!
It was an insightful read.
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Great Poem
Okay, you ready for this?!
First of all, i love it. i really do. I love the topic of remembering where life has taken us and the paths we have traveled on in our lives, and just thinking back to when life was so simple.
Like i said, i love the poem but i know that when people ask for suggestions, especially for school and such that simply saying, I LOVE IT, just isn't enough. Nothing is perfect and the thing i love about writing is that there are ALWAYS things that can be improved or tweaked to give it a more distinguished feel. I love that. I have given a few suggestions, given examples to how things could improve, and some of my confusion..hope it helps and know that i am just trying to help..i loved it
"but a skin color that contain the power of an eagle is every palm."
--I love the way the poem began but this last line is somewhat confusing and i don't fully understand it's meaning..
"But I am also from a grandmother with wrinkly hands that smell like lemon curd"
The flow of your poem starts out really nice, i dont think you need...the "but" before I am..You have been making a list so far, not arguing with it. Also, would just saying lemon sound better than using the unnatural flowing word "curd"?
"know that her grandaughter is gay and
I am from play structures"
I dont think you need the and. Just end the sentence at gay and continue with the next line as new
"monkey bars a million years old but still only 5 feet from the ground."
Great aspect to include in a child's life. I was just thinking..instead of exagerating the poems authenticity by saying.. "a million years old" maybe something like "monkey bars rusted and old but still"...Then not only does the reader believe it, they get a great image too.
"with only an IV in one hand, wondering if I’ll make it to the computer room"
Somewhat confusing..how did you go from the hospital to walking to the computer room..transition needs to flow more
"Rooted in a mind that grew up thoroughly believing
the only practical use for umbrellas is fort building in the front yard, among the bikes, hula hoops, basketballs, and skis tucked away in the garage
that’s where I am from."
so far you have used broken up images and memories to recreat your past. This seems to be long sentences that break the flow. Try to break it up a little more
what i came up with: (feel free to use it or not)
I am rooted in a mind that grew up thouroughly believing umbrellas had one practical use;
Building forts in the front yard.
Among bikes, hula hoops, basketballs and skis tucked away in the garage.
I know where I am from.
"Hiding in my journal with iPods, cats, new shoes for the school year, and always space for old friends, I am from a place of hiding but have now begun to emerge as the woman I want to be."
I think it is great to go into the aspect of where you are going after saying where you have been. The flow of the poem is overall, from what I can see, great, but the ending seems to throw me off.
Throughout the poem you focus on the unmaterialistic memories of childhood. "the good ole days, smells, childhood joys etc" and I love that. It shows and reminds you how simple life used to be regardless our backgrounds. I am not sure if i like that it ends becoming somewhat materialistic..ipods, shoes and such. I think it is important to keep the general mood of the poem throughout the entire poem.
maybe..
"I have slowly begun to emerge from hiding.
No longer residing soley in my journal.
I have started to let life's aspects carry to me into the future.
Into the woman that I have longed to be."
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Oh wow, thank you SO much for your feedback! That was brilliant! I love how you made suggestions very specifically and also complimented the parts you liked.
You are a superhero poem editor, I swear!
Thank you so much! I think I'll try out some of your suggestions and see how it goes. I'll probably add some re-writes as well.
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