Hold your delusions dear
you never know when they might fade
in shadows whispering
gods and demons
it's all the same
two halves of an unholy whole
the unconscious universe
light and sound
matter
eternity ends
where minds begin.
Author notes
First one in a long time. New title suggestions welcome.
A contest entry
- *** Untitled Contest *** by GloriousGift.
425 points, ended September 21, 2007, 74 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critiques welcomed
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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wow i like it
i like the part where you say two halves of an unholy whole. it's really moving and keeps playing in my head.
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Cynical?
Your opening line seems to point to the cyncism to come. Delusions are equal to hopes, I think? Doesn't fit with the beautiful picture you have.
The structure of the poem is excellent,I like the flow and the word choice. Does the last line indicate true thinking begins as the delusions end? -
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No delusions are those things that non-thinkers believe are 'truths'.
While delusions may give hope, it is a short-lived one.
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I really enjoyed the flow of this- putting very few words on each line gives each word more emphasis and importance to the reader. I have one suggestion:
Take out "in shadows whispering." It's cliched, and believe me, it's been used before, and you wouldn't want a cliche to water down that lovely poem.
Aside from that, it was a good work, and I can tell that you're a mature poet.
Love, Black-Moon -
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The use of it is intentional and sarcastic. Actually, the entire poem is meant to be sarcastic & smart-assed.
Would be more detectable if I was reading it out loud.
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Very good to see you back writing if this is a sample of your struggling. A deep poem with a huge potential.
Beautifully done.
John -
Title
Hello there.
This is a very interesting and slightly abstract and philosophical piece.
After reading this poem it makes me wonder what these delusions may be. have you given me any clues on that? Perhaps you have and I have missed them? Is it about a mental illness? being bi-polar?
If you want to consider another title then why not use the first line of the poem? It's quite an effective one.
Good luck in the contest.
Have an awesome day,
BJ.
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Being that it's obvious to me now that most of the illnesses/diseases (and especially the ones needed to market dangerous psych meds) are a fabrication, the delusions I speak of are the ones that center around trusting drug-pushing doctors, refusing to change diet & lifestyle because you think food quality & nutrition & being toxin-free aren't important top health.
It's a touch of sarcasm, smart assed as it can be.
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this is good, but what does the title mean. It seems so odd for this poem, it kinda confused me, I love the poem though.
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Look at the date it was posted
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Well it's themes seem epic but somehow I don't think the short length and ambiguity help develop this sense of scale. I think a longer version with a title referencing the infinite scope of the messages. I like the images you've used and the juxtapositions you've used to create them. Slick writing
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great
love the concept of eternity ending when minds begin.
very smart image. so truthful and so realistic.
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this is really a good piece.
i enjoyed.
" gods and demons
it's all the same "
I don't really agree with that part,
but still this is some good writing.
loveandblessings2u & yours always
Joyce
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this is a really cool poem. i liek a few of the lines a lot:
"in shadows whispering"
"light and sound
matter
eternity ends
where minds begin."
great write dont stop
it helps keeps us some what sane with all our jumbled up emotions bottled up inside us.
Kat
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oh, and as for a title i think something with a fairly dull but still serene title would be good. September definitely works, gives people something to think about. I was thinking more like "unlit votive candles". September is actually a better title. Sorry about the double comment.
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"hold your delusions dear". this was awesome spiritual without coming down harshly on any side. the whole thing had an airy quality to it, especially the "light and sound/matter" lines. they really seperated the poem from the usual mumbling about religion or meditation. i like this for the simple structure and word choice.
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I wasn't sure whether this was actually about the month itself or something else but I liked this part: "eternity ends
where minds begin."
Inspirational! -
I am not entirely sure what you are trying to convey. At first I was thinking conflicts in one's mind, possibly questioning sanity, but then I also thought it could be about being afraid of the dark and dreaming. I actually like that you can add whatever type of meaning you want to it. I think it's very well written. Good job!
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great!
this poem gives people a great image =D
i like the use of words.
i wouldent change a thing!
great poem! keep it up xx =D -
two halves of an unholy whole This is an amazing play on words... I really enjoyed this poem!!! Great job!!! /q-pid/
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WOW!!
I like this very much & the title is kool too, no need to changin' it i guess
Very Great write
Thnx for entering & Best of Luck
GloriousGift
Heba -
I like the wording very much. I also enjoyed the content. I wonder if you had a metaphoric approach to the "light and sound" or if you meant it literally?
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Or perhaps both?
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This is a smasher. I really liked the way the lines rolled over to each other and made you think. Thanks so much for this read.
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this is incredibly...great. I wouldn't change a thing really. Perhaps 'infinity' for a title. Well done, I really appreciated the depth that this poem allows the reader, without being too specific. After reading this poem I would have never guessed it had ever left you. well done,
Creatress
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I didn't understand your current title, what it had to do with the poem I mean. OR does it have two sides? is it explaining what happenes in autumn and also something else at once?or dedicated to September?
I can understand the difficulty in finding one though.. My suggestion would be: Silence your thoughts
Apart from that I had to read it many times to understand something!! This is pretty deep and incredibly well written, thoguh complicated, for me anyway.
Well done!
MAria -
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Well it's currently the month of September. And working title just means the title's not set in stone. No hidden meaning or anything but I didn't want the first line to be used as the title.
But thanks for the compliment! I always strive to have more than one possible meaning in a poem.
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Unusual
My first impression is of an unsettled mind. Emotionally I feel a loss as to just who this person is supposed to be. This is not awkward to read and I wouldn't know how to change it even if it needed to be changed. I think that the first two lines I would consider my favorites if I chose a favorite part but it is hard to choose. The title might be called ("Disalusion"). The first line is perfect for this. The last line really sums this in the right way. Good overall piece.
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Your first impression is quite accurate. It's more of a warning to the ones who are still innocent- at least the first two lines.
I think you mean Disillusion (Disalusion is a band I think). Thanks for the suggestion and compliments!
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