Turn the lights off please
so our love can develop right away
tonight I'm going to tease
we have eight hours before our love fades away.
The sun is coming up fast
as our love starts to fade slow
We were having such a blast
and the bite marks are all we have to show.
In the morning not one word is said
we both know that the night time is our only love
In the day time our love is dead
and having to deal with that is tough.
so turn the lights off please
so our love can develop right away
tonight im going to tease
we have eight hours before our love fades away.
Author notes
tell me what you think
A contest entry
- um...no title...? by HugsForEveryone.
500 points, ended September 15, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites that dont suck. by parachute fog.
400 points, ended October 20, 2007, 93 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
i loved this...and i don't think it was forced that much...so yeh =]] i've been through all of this...i know how yo feel =/
-
I like how this piece envisions, to me at least, a relationship that is frowned upon normally by society, thus the implication that during the day, there is no acknowledgement of the relationship.
Gets the point over very well.
Good write.
-
Hmmm ...
well, the content of the poem is alright, I guess...
The biggest plus point you have is that your title is catchy. However, I think that the rhymes in the verses are obviously forced and would need a bit more effort in it. Repetition of the last stanza is effective, yes but in this case, the actuality is that there are only three verses that say something. I believe more can be said about this topic ...
Thank you for entering and good luck in the contest
Never ♥ -
uhh... hmm...
erotic.. you do remember im 11, right?!
uh... nice poem
Good luck in my contest!
~pandy~ -
I don't know what to say. I just love it. Intriguing, hidden eroticism, odd concept how you can crave it for so long and then it blanks out when you get to the stuff out of the bedroom. Must be quite a lot of passion for eight hours where does it all go? Maybe its because you are putting all your effort into the night... No time for discussion the next day... Need some sleep, no what im saying? haha
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
