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Cafe Society


It's like scraping the bottom of a jar~
the smell, still there,
but the contents gone

our worlds collided,
admittedly cliched
everything about us was cliche

you...a tanned pedigreed presence
striding into rooms, ready for the worthy
acolytes to fall rapt at your feet

man's man, regaling the throng

with off colored remarks and tales of triumph
told between bourbon and branch~
lady's man, your vulgarity neutralized
by killer blue eyes and bank account


me...beautiful girl, and dismissed as such
liberal arts, humanities drop out
trust funded bohemian, "the belle rebels"

not easily snared,
didn't have to be~

 

I jumped into the net


love was squandered, looking to save you,
to reform you from drunkenness and philandering

I gave up eventually~
we all do

I read your latest,
such glorious and tender words
to me and about me,
your inspiration, your darling muse

a queer juxtaposition to the words you spoke
to me and at me,

the bane of your existence,

bitch, whore

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

This little paragraph is here per DPR's contest rules.

“I accept that DP Robertson can be a complete prick when it comes to commenting on something he obviously doesn’t like – I have waived my right to complain to moderators and owner of this site about his help wrapped in thistles type comments on my beloved poetry. Although I believe DP Robertson may have a bitter and twisted side to his nature, he has the right to criticise my doggerel anyway he sees fit with whatever words he chooses.”




Inspired by:
. . . The wild things roared their terrible roars and
gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible
eyes and showed their terrible claws . . .
[and] the wild things cried, "Oh please don't go -
we'll eat you up - we love you so!"

by Maurice Sendak, Where the Wild Thngs Are

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? • Line numbers
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?) (Line numbers)

Comments

1 - 54 of 54

  • Jfd
    June 28

    Edit | Reply
    Wow....I've already re-read this poem twice....I LOVE your writing style....I felt the emotion in this poem - raw, intelligent and insightful.....can't wait to see what you come up with for the gfp contest!

  • ears2hearyou gold member
    June 24

    Edit | Reply

    Powerful and smartly done!

    We do not have to accept the brutality of the "few"
    who do not understand the honor and humility it takes
    to write poetry.

    and remember, you can always hit the edit button of
    their comments and have them removed.

    Dear poetess, when I see another critique "personanlly"
    instead of honorably, it truly is a poor reflection
    on them...deserving of being added to the
    "ignore" list.

    Sometimes in dark or light writing, if we touch a core
    issue...they'll react defensively..and it ends up
    being n othing to do really with you...just their
    soulful wounds reacting as if it stings and burns.
    ears/Seattle


  • Cerulean gold member
    June 23
    Edit | Reply
    Modern poetry at it's finest.


  • Ruby34
    June 22
    Edit | Reply
    Wow fantastic poem..very enjoyable read
    Ruby

  • Truthlies
    June 20
    Edit | Reply
    I read and yeah liked them all but this was my fav.


  • Sailor Ptolema gold member
    June 11

    Edit | Reply

    bravo!

    I really like this
    well done!
    love the sarcasm!!


  • Nam
    June 6

    Edit | Reply
    "with off colored remarks and tales of triumph" - you have an extra space between "off" and "colored".

    "such glorious and tender words" - you have an extra space between "tender" and "words".

    A great poem that you have written here.

    -Nam

  • Floorboards
    March 12

    Edit | Reply
    I think this is excellent, so much detail and imagery, i'm really impressed, can't believe zyskanders comment at all,
    great poem in my book,
    well done m'lady,
    yer lord.


  • Birchwood
    March 2

    Edit | Reply
    This is a really strong piece. I'm not certain the second stanza really adds to it. It is cleaver to add perhaps that the relationship is cliched just like the image, but I think it is unnecessary and that maybe it doesn't compensate for the cliche of the image. I also really want to read "I gave up eventually~
    they all do" as "I gave up eventually~
    *we* all do" since you are part of it, and you are somehow lumping yourself in with it.

    Love the ending and the first stanza.


    • Luna Tique Fringe gold member
      March 2
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for your thoughful comments...I'll ruminate over the second stanza for a while...but you are spot on 'we all do' it's funny as many times as I've reviewed this, I never caught that..I'll edit that now..thank you

  • wondering.willow
    February 12
    Edit | Reply
    this is very nice!
    i enjoyed this. keep penning.
    aj :

  • Devils Reject
    February 12

    Edit | Reply

    WOW

    "not easily snared,
    didn't have to be~



    I jumped into the net


    love was squandered, looking to save you,
    to reform you from drunkenness and philandering

    I gave up eventually~
    they all do"

    Speechless. This rocks!

    . Rewarded 4


  • DrasDomia
    February 11
    Edit | Reply
    Amazing read, great vocabulary and a really thought provoking piece. I thoroughly enjoyed it.


  • kirbysman Moderators member
    February 11

    Edit | Reply

    Well

    I actually clicked on this in error . . . but am glad I did as I enjoyed the read very much. Good descriptions of a person/people who I think we all know from somewhere, hopefully not through personal experience of being involved this way. Particularly like the opening 3 lines. They say so much.

    Good job,
    Paul

    . Rewarded 6

  • Nannar
    February 11

    Edit | Reply

    This is an Awesome poem

    Very nice, I like how you've shown just how low societies fallen. Now we find sport in the opposite sex as opposed to games we can all enjoy. It's true, and no matter how much we hate exploitation it's always there. Great write once again.
  • Zyskandar A Jaimot
    February 11

    Edit | Reply
    kinda a standard 'rant' on cafe society - your opening line would be stronger without the use of the ING fake gerund with a real verb that denotes action the metaphors/similes are pretty standard/too general give us/let us see/feel experience some unique situations which truly causeus to be repulsed this guy and feel sorry somehow for this woman ALSO NO COLOUR NO SMELL NO TASTE in this piece this was the bst thoughts in the piece:"your vulgarity neutralized
    by killer blue eyes and bank account" good writing this why was 'she' the bane of his existence - it should be obvious that he does not care about anything/anyone so why is she his bane? it may appear by my wors to be over critical - it is just this great ideas for so many juxtapositions in 'our society' - just turned out ordinary/typical andnot what it could hav been through yourwords/feelings a good rewrite with some added foibles/less cliches would improve this greatly! some of the lines/thoughts are very good but many stanzas need to be 'punched-up' good luck thanks for sharing regards zaj [examples what 'smells' do you get from the bottom of that jar? is it a true 'cafe society' what drinks do you taste/see do they still smoke in these 'cafes'??? if you have money and are 'bohemian' why be attracted to this ordinaire although good-looking waste?-if you are bohemian why the standard concept of a 'successful male why not some artist type?] we do not care about either of these two - make us care!

  • dp robertson
    February 11
    Edit | Reply
    let me highlight it, worth more than a trophy anyway

  • dp robertson
    February 11
    Edit | Reply
    I really apologise for this but it should have been in probably third or forth. whoops! Its a great piece


  • dp robertson
    February 11

    Edit | Reply
    It's like scraping the bottom of a jar~ the smell, still there, but the contents gone

    This is a great piece. Really well structured, good language and above all it takes the reader on the journey that is worth taking. The ending has a real sting in the tail.
    a queer juxtaposition to the words you spoke to me and at me, the bane of your existence, bitch, whore
    Very well written.

    David

    • Luna Tique Fringe gold member
      February 11
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much and never mind the placing. I'm just happy that a dead trout didn't blacken my eye.

      Very kind of you to feature this. Thanks.

  • tinuelena silver member
    December 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I would have never guessed where the inspiration came from.

    Disregarding that, this was a wonderful glimpse into relationships and what can be wrong with them. I like the harsh reality of this poem; it grounds us while the somewhat detached voice provides perspective.

    Great job. I'm looking forward to including this in the book.

    Elizabeth

    • Luna Tique Fringe gold member
      March 2
      Edit | Reply
      Hi..since the contest, I had a suggestion given about stanza nine...to change 'they' to 'we'...I liked it, so I changed it...Then thought perhaps I should check it out with you..I will go with your call on the edit..if unexceptable I have no objection to changing it back.

  • sheltered
    October 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This really brings out the insecurities in me and brings me to know the truthfulness that is my decietful facade.

  • MJ Donnelly gold member
    September 30, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    In my opinion, this deserved gold, what an interesting contemporary snapshot into the complexities of a modern day relationship. It is a basic instinct for most women to mold, shape, or if you will, nurture man. I suppose it is the, 'motherly part’ of that complex multifaceted nature that comprises woman. Well done dear poetess.


  • aliceramone silver member
    September 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wow!...a powerful write with excellent descriptions especially of you...great language throughout this piece and a harsh ending-excellent!


  • AJ Morelli gold member
    September 8, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    a very strong piece, i agree with mary, one of your best...


    al


  • Dalaney gold member
    September 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    my beautiful Starr...
    Your poetry has the sound
    of the contemporary woman
    and the feel of someone
    not afraid to speak their
    mind and heart. I love
    what you do...

    Lane


  • Cat gold member
    September 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    one of your stronger
    writes- the piece is
    rich with passion which goes
    a long way when pulled together
    with a clever pen-

    the opening stanza is good- it's a catchy idea which i believe could be made great- when i think of aroma i think of craft stores and bohemian stores- and downtown ann arbor stores with their patchouli scented everything-

    i dont think of something that's getting a bit funky at the bottom of a jar- that's a stink, or a smell- this guy would leave behind a stink i suspect- or even a funk

    it's like scraping the bottom
    of the jar- the stink is still
    there but the good stuff - gone

    the piece is a bit thick here and there- but- i think this piece has so much potential- the story is outstanding- and your metaphorical ideas very well conceived.

    final stanza is spot on


    m

  • Balldinger silver member
    September 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    cock-sured and spent...

    i see some serious Hungarian anecdotes in this piece, but i'm not sure exactly what they are. i appreciated the mixed variation of sensational characters and their wills to submit and endure for whatever length of time was indicative of the length itself before the blunt ending of it all. no exclamation point necessary. to the point - the sharp one for sticking in eyes...


  • tomisb gold member
    September 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    All to often the relationship becomes a power play when everyone or at least half of the sum is afraid that their pretense is betrayed. Few believe the story of their glory and are more sure of the story of their sin and the nightmare of intimacy is someone will see you when you are thin.

    hurt is not for the one you love unless you can't love yourself and then ruin is in the heart of the relationship before it gets to beat its own life.
    I understand this one from more directions than my feet are will to travel and have grown beyond it to another level of hassles

    You portray the play and the drama well. would love to sit for a spell over a glass of water or a long sip of hot tea and hear the stories that we both know the endings to but no one else believes.
    Love, Tom B.


  • sheltered
    September 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I have to agree with Azrab. A person definitly has to want to change themselves. This is so powerful it's scary to the point where my vanity cringes. Is this personal?

  • Arzab
    September 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Powerful write. It made me think of how some people may go into a relationship thinking they might be able to change a person's ways to try to make them live a better life, only to realize that sometimes no matter what a person does, they can't exactly change a person unless that person wants to change within. Good luck in the contest.


  • liltandrhyme silver member
    September 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    That McBastard ...

    A brilliant story, Luna, and told with wonderful expression and feeling. The 'tanned pedigreed presence' and the 'trust funded bohemian'.

    'I jumped into the net', a rueful retrospective realisation of the folly of the attempt to rehabilitate.

    The metaphor in the first stanza was superb, and the dual 'man's man/ladies man' description of the 'blue eyed boy' painted a character recognizable to many.

    The last two stanzas show him for what he really is, a low-life who uses people, not only physically and emotionally', but dispassionately, as raw material for his 'creativity. The stark contrast of the 'to me and about me ...' and 'to me and at me...' sequences tell the whole story.

    Any poem with a final line of 'bitch, whore' has got to be worthy of applause...!!

    Excellent work, as ever.

    PJ



  • ellipsist
    September 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    ohmy f***ing gawd... this is

    intense... incredible... very specific and obviously personal, but written in such a way that it is easy to relate to... I can't say enough about this piece... brutal and sad and angering and causes a lump in the throat...




    • Luna Tique Fringe gold member
      September 7, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      thanks kiddo...I had no idea we could list other peoples poems, I thought I was losin' it when I saw it listed..Did I do that?? and thanks, you've put me in good company

  • ardentMarch gold member
    September 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    how do you write, a deep releasing sigh here after reading this poem???? whew was not that great, sorry..lol

  • ardentMarch gold member
    September 6, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    whew.....

1 - 54 of 54