together we have struggled,
you gave voice to my fears,
you gave me eloquent words,
with golden wings you made me fly,
you made my thoughts come alive...
you amuse me when you're in the mood,
tickle me with absurd thoughts,
made me cry buckets of tears,
when we're together all alone...
and no one to see what you're doing to me.
you're my comfort in silence,
you're the lines on my page
written in blood...
my dying muse, breathe once more,
it's tearing me apart to see your frail form,
lying pale and bloodless, spiritless in my arms,
gone were the times you whisper in my ears...
now your voice so hoarse, it's an effort to hear.
give me one more chance,
let's fly together once more...
just a whisper and I will heed your call,
don't end our magic, don't leave me all alone
you're the only colour my world has known.
A contest entry
- Second Image by PhoenixFox.
700 points, ended September 12, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Hello and welcome to the contest
The first thing that struck me about your poem is that I think you are trying too hard. Metaphor and imagery are wonderful tools in a poet's hand, but sometimes it is so easy to get carried away.
This was dark, and I like that. The end was satisfying also and it didn't pussyfoot out. I did feel that some areas could be tightened up.. in particular it kind of got off to a slow start for me. The descriptiveness is pulling its weight, but I think it could have been reduced as I was getting a little lost and not quite sure where you were headed. Generally though, the lines work well and it flows along at a good pace. I thought that in places you 'overcooked' it a little and some of the angst is rather overworked, but nevertheless this was an engaging piece and I'm glad you chose to share it.
Best wishes ~ fox
Adding your comment:
