Years go rushing by, like the currents of the sea
trinkets of time's forgotten, abandoned by the receding waves
no meaning or use to those who finds them
just broken and crushed from the brutal beatings
To turn back in history and undo the future
a tomorrow of hope worth the pain of rebirth
spewing forth with the wisdom of past lives
rising like the Phoenix from the firing volcano
........................
TO RECLAIM THE CHANCE OF RIGHTING THE WRONG
A NEW BEGINNING ON THE ROAD TO REDEMPTION
A contest entry
- nothing, but a carnival ... (read the rules first) by A Prophet of 3.
4457 points, ended October 30, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - my 1st contest ever, woo! & anything goes (for the most part) by hope4revolution.
450 points, ended April 27, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~Give me your BEST Prewrites~ by Bean Sidhe.
1000 points, ended November 14, 2008, 45 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Thank you for your entry & good luck!
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first off, i love the opening line of this... it is incredibly powerful & sucks you in just like the sea. your sea imagery, by the way, is incredibly effective & very nice & strong.
i did think the line "NO MEANING or use to those who finds them" was a little ambiguous & syntactically awkward, & that you might want to steer away from the phoenix simile just to be sure to stay away from potential cliches. i did think this was very nice & i thank you very much for joining my contest. -
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Thanks for your comments on "One More Time"
This was one of my first attempts at this kind of writing so I guess it could use some help. lol
Thanks for your suggestions also. I kind of like the phoenix in this piece...to me it just felt right.
Anyway...thanks again
Your friend in writing
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a sea's currents don't rush, they meander in contants ... just as the sun rises, and the sun sets ... "rushing" in a sea's sense makes it seem turbulent, which they are not, unless acted upon by an outside force ...
i found the flow in this too fragmented ... making me drop my thought, and re-read the line and hope to connect the dots ...
the CAPS are fine and a unique style to accent the beauty of the emotion, but the break in thought and flow is what keeps troubling me ...
over all, not too bad ... although, as i re-read this it makes me think you forced the thoughts to sound like a poem, and that is not what the write should be about ... good luck *cheers* -
Nice write!
Good luck in the contest...
I like this...will read more of yours!
*PEACE*
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you just blew my poem out of the water, i LOVE the imagery that you have in this. i'm not that good at imagery, infact i just plain suck at it. but this is absoultly amazing. you better believe that you are going on my favorites list. i could use a few pointers from you. and thank you so much for you awesome comment by the way.
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