Take me to the Cancer S.h.o.p
Let me fall d
o
w
n
when my heart stops.
Feed me these c/a/n/d/y/c/o/a/t/e/d/
**surgeon general** lies, as i
puff these [cancer pops] until
the sunrise...
Baby dont make me quit, i can't
help that i'm easily deceived,
so easy to **fool**
But its my only way out in a
world oh so cruel.
Mommy dearest please oh please
feed me this cancerous fudge till
{im weak in the knees}. Store clerk
please deny my age, && hold the burden
of sending me into an early grave.
Doctor, doctor, tell me please
because the cancer store killed
me, do i get my money back as
guarenteed? Will i live, tell
it to me straight. [Or does a
depressing death in my future
await???]
Cry me river maybe even more
but make sure my body is burried
by the **Cancer Store**
Author notes
ello!
Tis danielle! i have tons of family members that smoked and one that died and he smoked. and i probably have a few more. i know it isnt my addiction but im allergic to cigarrette smoke. so...yea!
<3TheSpork Princess
A contest entry
- {s_e_c_r_e_t_s} & /a.d.d.i.c.t.i.o.n.s/ by Disturbedmess.
450 points, ended September 10, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Miss Plastic [Never Forgive And Forget] by Heartbeatsxfading.
300 points, ended October 3, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - glitter whores, wasted hearts, & fuckin' rockstars by TheStupidLamb.
700 points, ended September 13, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Whatever. by wonderbandalice.
600 points, ended September 12, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ROUND 1; Perfect Prewrites by They Say Shannon.
450 points, ended September 17, 2007, 41 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Smoke The Pain Away by A-Sky-Lark.
650 points, ended October 26, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - strung out && b r o k e n more than an old cassette by PaintedParisPassion.
600 points, ended December 24, 2007, 65 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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I loved this piece, it was awesome.
The first stanza was, I thought, the best:
"Take me to the Cancer S.h.o.p
Let me fall d
o
w
n
when my heart stops.
Feed me these c/a/n/d/y/c/o/a/t/e/d/
**surgeon general** lies, as i
puff these [cancer pops] until
the sunrise..."
It was still good after that point, but the totaluberawesomeness fizzled out just a bit, as did the intense DP that you layered on so thickly in the first stanza. Still an enjoyable read though
Strong ending too though! And I liked the rhyming you used throughout--very effective. Well penned, poet...
~QoA
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awesome, i love the last lines the best
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Despite me finding dirty pretty very distracting and kinda pointless, this is a great piece. i love the sarcasm you are implying in this piece. tis truly a good job
Anyway,
nice piece, good job, keep it up
huggles
xxxx -
Ahahah.
This was really good.
I did like how it was sarcastic in a light tone.
Some of your rhyming worked very well and then some of it didn't.
[Particularly the fourth stanza.] I think the 'candied' was out of place.
[Especially since you started repeating yourself.]
But either way this was nice.
I liked,
"Feed me these c/a/n/d/y/c/o/a/t/e/d/
**surgeon general** lies,"
A lot.
Nice job and thanks for entering!
Good luck. :]
< -
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as i read back on it, i see what you mean ^_^ and its unlike me to be repeatitive at sometimes!
but thankies for the comment^_^
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I think this COULD be a good poem, if not for all the random punctuation that dirty pretty entails. It takes away from it a LOT, for me.
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this is great
and you did a wonderful
job with this
and it is something
all should take to heart
if they think
about it long
Riftkin -
I liked the rhmying. It's not set in stone and that's the way I like it. Great poem & thanks for entering. ♥
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Wow this is very good!
I like how you compared a tobacco shop [ect.] to a cancer shop.
Very good job. -
"About the punctuation, its dirty pretty..theres random punctuation...sometimes there is sometimes there isnt. but thats the for of dirty pretty."
Actually, dirty pretty ISN'T just random puncuation. The puncuation is added to a word or phrase that is wanted to be emphasized/dramatized and to make that certain line or word pop out more. NOT just randomly making words look cooler. It goes deeper.
Anyhoo, nice poem. The rhyming seemed a little weird, but I can say it wasn't forced (that's a good thing). The poem itself was good, but like the others, I found it to be a bit humorous or sarcastic, almost.
Good luck
Jeanette*~
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WOOT GO YOU
holy gucamoly! wow this is amazing! very descriptive and i love the way you have laid everything out. the flow is great and the poem makes sence. oh, and the theme IS AWESOME! really great write
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its amazing
it reminded me off all the people i saw in the cancer ward....who just wish they hadn't done the things they did...........it brings tears to my eyes......... -
i actually thought this was a bit humorous. it seems like something my kids would say to their father. i dont smoke but he does, and so does some of my family members. i think this is a good one for some of them to read. thanks for sharing and keep it up.
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I think you really express an opinion. It's a lot of good lines, and your really making a point. "please deny my age, && hold the burden
of sending me into an early grave." I work in a store, and I can't understand how people do that. -
OK you want critique I'll give it to you. I don't like the name it is sort of cliche' you could be more subtle about it. Excess punctuation isn't nessecary and I never the point of it. All of those parenthesis, and slashes could be put in anywhere, but that doesn't mean it makes a lick of sense to put them there. An image I like is
"Store clerk
please deny my age, && hold the burden
of sending me into an early grave."
I don't like the cancerous fudge thing either because how does a cigarette resemble fudge? When you have comparisons it must somehow relate in any way shape or form to the subject at hand, fudge is nothing like what you are describing throws me off track. This line here was never promised to begin with-:"do i get my money back as
guarenteed?"
The random rhyme also sets you off kilter either take it by the horns full throtle or don't use it at all, kills concentration and disrupts even flow.
I know you have a strong point to make but do in a tasteful manner is my sugestion, and try to make it not so humorous, because it can be offensive to some people in it's blunt nature. -
Very contemporary feel to it, an alltogether different style really, very unique, I'd polish it a littel more perhaps, just to see what you come up with.
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i like it
it reminds me of my granddad passin away cuz of smokin
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but nice attempt anyways
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Your making a situation that is very serious into a mother goose tale, at least take it seriously.
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A wonderfully written write with a unique approach. Can't stand smoking myself. Thanks for sharing. The poem has a nice smooth flow. Love it.
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i can really relate to this, both my grandparents smoke and my grandfather passed away a few years ago from lung cancer, in fact a couple of poems i wrote about him. so i can relate to this in a lot of ways, awesome write and good luck
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Wow this is different I dont think I have seen poetry like this before ? What is it lol.Not to be rude.The message is really good.Thanks for sharing. Goodluck in the contest.Best wishes
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eh...a weirdo type of dirty pretty lol.
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hehe Ok I heard of dirty pretty but I guess I never really seen it lol. Im not stupid I swear Thanks for answering my question. lol Now I know.
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