thinking about those cracked hands
sinewy bones and worms
leaves the ancient convulsing in
anticipation
"thank god you’ve come"
they say "now where are we going?
oh yes right now i know: that place where
chests and hearts suck in dank airless wind in
uncharted lands that
are so wont to frighten."
clutching cold hands yellow bones and
sinew stretched and torn, life in a rush
flees from weary souls on the quest;
this way this way it calls to them
not much farther now;
minds melt to mercury sliding out of grasp
of the living and together death
and life pass into
nothing.
Author notes
Written hastily on 29 August, 2007.
Critique this, please.
Comments
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hehehehe, you wrote this seven days after my 21st birthday. i dont what that has to do with anything but hey, it makes me kind of connect a little bit with the poem. i love the imagery that you put into this write. you dont just show me what you are talking about, you throw it at me. thats the kind of stuff that i like.
Rob -
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Thank you for all your kind comments!
I'll definitely be reading some of your work when I have a minute!
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Wonderful
For a quick poem it is great. Really shows off you talent.
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Cut back on some words here and You got a perfect poem Has great concept . I like it.
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Thanks for all the comments, Cara! When my contest is over, I'll be sure to take a look at some of yours; I don't want to compromise the judging.
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Like it.
Reminds me somewhat of Gollum and the Hobbits, like it.
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these are amazing! nice work!!!
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I think this is the first time in a long time that I've read the word "wont" that wasn't actually "won't"; I think those who do not use apostrophes (because they are lazy) do not realize (or care) that sometimes it creates another word entirely.
Anyway, enough about me.
This part seemed to need quotation marks, or at least read as if they needed to be there in the way you wrote it:
"thank god you’ve come
they say now where are we going?
oh yes right now i know: that place where
chests and hearts suck in dank airless wind in
uncharted lands that
are so wont to frighten."
EX:
"thank god you've come"
they say "now where are we going?"
Though parts of the rest probably could use it, doesn't seem necessary; and perhaps my ex. is not the intention of what you're speaking but it seems that way.
Other than that: a good piece here.
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Thank you for that! And I've gone back and put quotations in. It was originally in italics, but I think only gold members can edit fonts as such.
Thanks for the review!
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Your imagery was graphic and seductive to me. I think you could really use some more images in here and really paint a marvelously terrible image of death. You are already on such a great start. In my opinion, if you expand on this more without getting too wordy, this will be breathtaking.
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Captivating and strong ! But I wish you would not look at death as a complete end...Surely, the magnificient glory of man cannot be built on such weak and transient foundations as to crumble down alongwith matter.There has to be something more...
Keep penning, sis! Hope you are fine and happy these days.
Best Wishes.
Naila.
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Nice write. Good detail.
Thank you for your entry,
Best of luck. -
Perhaps line four sinew may work instead as sinewy,it would meld more,the second mention of sinew seems right though.Good usage of alliteration and assonance.Emotion strongly felt stalking the spirit of the living.I like to both use and read repetition where it re enforces/compounds a point but am unsure about the inclusion of this way this way within the same line.The piece speaks to the reader of the fear and finality of death as indeed life and death meld into nothingness,seemingly at least,yet I believe the spirit lives on but have rambled enough dear poetess,my comments are offered not as criticism but as merely an opinion as you seek one and I like your own style and see you stretching yourself and trying new creativity,always a brave step to leave our comfort zones and attempt that so well done.
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Thank you for the criticism and the comments! I've changed the first usage of "sinew" to "sinewy." It does indeed sound better.
Thanks again!
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