I feel invisible within his cold eyes
Staring at the blankness between us
Living this life that has become a lie
Emotions crumbling into dust
Staring at the blankness between us
Sitting across from him in despair
Emotions crumbling into dust
Tolerant of how much more I can bear
Sitting across from him in despair
Wondering where he is right now?
Tolerant of how much more I can bear
Questioning our love that seem to abound
Wondering where he is right now?
His face void of emotional concern
Questioning our love that seem to abound
Mourning the love that has suddenly turned
His face void of emotional concern
Living this life that has become a lie
Mourning the love that has suddenly turned
I feel invisible within his cold eyes
Author notes
""paint me different hues of bitter memories""
The pantoum consists of a series of quatrains rhyming ABAB in which the second and fourth lines
of a quatrain recur as the first and third lines in the succeeding quatrain; each quatrain introduces a
new second rhyme as BCBC, CDCD. The first line of the series recurs as the last line of the closing
quatrain, and third line of the poem recurs as the second line of the closing quatrain, rhyming ZAZA.
The design is simple:
Line 1
Line 2
Line 3
Line 4
Line 5 (repeat of line 2)
Line 6
Line 7 (repeat of line 4)
Line 8
Continue with as many stanzas as you wish, but the ending stanzathen repeats the second and
fourth lines of the previous stanza (as its first and third lines), and also repeats the third line of
the first stanza, as its second line, and the first line of the first stanza as its fourth. So the first
line of the poem is also the last.
Last stanza:
Line 2 of previous stanza
Line 3 of first stanza
Line 4 of previous stanza
Line 1 of first stanza
In a list
A contest entry
- Make Me Cry!!! by 0darkAngel0.
650 points, ended September 17, 2007, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Pantoum Challenge by Denierim.
2000 points, ended September 30, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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Amazing...
I could actually feel the longing in her heart for him to love her.... This is a beautiful example of women who fall in love alone... Beautiful! -
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Thank U so much for your kind words. It was challenging.
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Each phrase expresses deeply the sadness, the loss, the daily deadman's walk through emptiness when hyou feel someting slipping away. Well done.
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thank you. pretty down when this was written
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thanks for sharing
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Deep
This is a very deep and emotional poem, this poem would have won gold, it surely would have made me cry, excellent write, thank you for sharing and keep them coming.
raingoddess
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Thank U.
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Very well written, with the constant repitition used in the pantoum form it is hard to make them sound smooth but this one flows easily from begining to end.
A strong subject and a easily read piece which is delivered completely'
Andrew -
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thanks, the subject made me choose a difficult form to use.
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This poem speaks out the pain and the emotions so strongly that I could actually feel them, even though I have not been through such a situation in my yet short life. I love poems that do that, offering me new things to learn about life.
I love the wording that you used here, strenghtening the poem with it even further. The pain was clear in each sentence and the repetition added to the atmosphere that was very much painful but yet beautiful in some strange way. This poem really got me thinking, and that's a lot!
Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece of work. I enjoyed reading this quite a lot! -
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Thank you so much, this was a really difficult emotional time for me and it helped to put in Poetry. When I'm angry or emotional. I put restrictions in my writing so I can slow down and calm myself. This form makes you concentrate. Thanks for your kind words. ~ MyKeeee
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Your use of this form is stellar. I have tried this form before, and know the difficulty it is to write because of the repetition. Excellent!
After 34 years, and four children gone from the nest, me and hubby must reacquaint ourselves with one another. We spent most of our youth raising children, and never spent time focusing on our needs.
You have evoked much thought with these words poet. I wish you well in this contest, and in life.
Much Love & Respect ♥
Renee
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so much emotion the hurt the pain of losing love the anger of tring to understand just where it started slipping away you have written love death in it final hour amazing read best of luck
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Thank U a very personal piece
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amazing...
i learned new form
thank you!!!
well the piece is amazing
the emotion is there
and most important.... i enjoyed reading every stanza
thank you for sharing
good luck in everything that you do
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Thank U - these forms make you work for. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. ~ cheers ~ Mykeee
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Nice
This is very beautiful. The images and feelings that arose when I read this were very powerful. I can very much relate. I love the way it written as well. -
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Thank U - a very personal piece 4 me.
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Masterful Write
I just feel you are speaking from the heart, the pain is deep and searing. This form of poetry you do so well and I could feel each word. Excellent write stromg read that would make anybody tear up....Very heartfelt...............novy
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Thank U again - very personal
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This is a really good write.I can relate to it.Thank for sharing best of luck to you in the contest.
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Oooo!
I feel your pain!
In the same situation - but from the male point of view!
I'm only looking to grow wings eventually after the youngest grows more!
Blessings to you & your wonderful write!
Tang
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Thank U - I played with the gender thing and released it like it was. So glad u liked it. ~ cheers~ Mikeeee
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This touches to deep!...to many memories and to much pain...Good-Luck my friend on the contest...I do see a winner here
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Hello my Queen - Thank you. This was a hurtful time for me. I just put my self as a woman because people don't think men go through these things. Thanks 4 understanding - Mikey
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