~on guard~
bittersweet angst laces the tip
of his sharpened steel sword
clashing blades with conceited control
~la provocateur~
leaving mindwaves inertia stranded... alone,
forced to die a thousand deaths
in the arms of sweet existance
provider of condusive radical mayhem,
the weaver of carefully stranded notes
revealing swansong's symphony
through creeping tide's of exclusion
what clever conclusion's darkness
you hide behind those well-oiled wheels
sliding lights over silent cold tracks
in remote parallel plains
Why don't you
turn the knife one more time
...you know that I love it.
~ touche ... Sir! ~
Author notes
BLANKSCREEN2222. Bukowski Quote Prompt: "There is a time to stop reading, there is a time to STOP trying to WRITE, there is a time to kick the whole bloated sensation of ART out on its whore-ass."
A contest entry
- PIF - quote inspired by Melissa Gayle.
400 points, ended September 6, 2007, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything by Madison Mary.
1000 points, ended September 18, 2007, 25 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Black planet by DeepDarkDesire.
700 points, ended September 25, 2007, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Darkened Decimation & Bleeding Emotions by Synthetic-Nightmare.
2040 points, ended December 4, 2007, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Bittersweet by Emmyb.
730 points, ended March 22, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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Originality: (8/10)
Emotion: (8/10)
Poetic devices: (17/20)
Structure/flow: (9/10)
Cohesion: (8/10)
Title relating to poem: (10/10)
Personal opinion: (9/10)
Syntax: (8/10)
Diction: (8/10)
Total:85/100 -
Wow, this was beautiful.
So many powerful images
and deep notions expressed.
Thanks for entering & best of luck -
88
The only part I didn't like was the ending.
Otherwise, it was pretty good - and I don't have any criticism. You had some fantastic imagery.
originality: 8/10
creativity: 8/10
cohesion: 10/10
organization: 10/10
mechanics: 10/10
balance of abstraction/imagery: 9/10
emotion/personality/edge: 8/10
Impact/Reaction: 8/10
title: 5/5
diction: 4/5
syntax: 4/5
overall opinion: 4/5
Total possible: 100
Actual total: 88
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crikey. what a powerful and grand poem, structured and perfectly formed.
i enjoyed certain descriptions in this such as "silent cold tracks", "carefully stranded notes" -
well done on this lovely and unique read.
Emm -
I liked... the premise. Very original with those elaborate wordy stanzas that to me, spoke not too much about depth but the confusion and distraction in death. Thanks for entering
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wonderful!, magnificent vision and very intellectual! beautiful artwork and penmanship on this piece, ty for entering and good luck (^.^)
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wonderfully written, a very talented poem. thanks for entering and good luck!
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Wow......
i think this is VERY intellectually written piece with a lot of thought and emotion laced within it. You're diction is well used. KUDOS AND GOOD LUCK!
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The wording is clever and great but the form isn't the best. Each stanza is beautifully written but they all seem kind of disconnected as though they almost belong in different poems. Though your imagery is quite good. I'm kind of torn over this piece.
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Touche indeed!!!Brilliant!Thank you for entering!
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wow
Your lexus is absolutely outstanding here, the imagery is beautiful and your form is interesting. The title is excellent, it's not often I find titles well placed. Great write here. welcome to the finalists.
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this piece holds some attitude toward it...very good...I enjoyed reading this piece a lot and I love the title...Platnium Black...two colors in one....lol...anyways, great piece
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I love the attitude, you ended this with a bitchslap. Great job. Thanx for entering~ Aurora
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I like. Thanks for the entry.
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nice write.
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"what clever conclusion's darkness
you hide behind those well-oiled wheels
sliding lights over silent cold tracks
in remote parallel plains"
Dark writing, but like metaphor of railroad tracks. Thanks for sharing this one. Best of luck in the contest. ....JustBreathe
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There is darkness here, evil in the human sense of the word - very well done.
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really good job
a whoa! and a wow!
as i start reading
the pace quickens
there is a sense of something magical,
a confrontation between two forces
not necessarily good vs. evil
but dreadful, all the same
superb
the ending seems more like a challenge
"go ahead, do it, i am stronger than you"
mesmerizing
double whoa and a double wow
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Wow this poem was chilling. beautifully written and i love the way its so provocative. Well done
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Great job!!!
i love the ending line, it was marvellous!!!
good luck in the compettion!
stephanie
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wonderful class writing one again and i wish you the best of luck in this contest hun, as if you need it
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This is truly amazing yet again . I love it...
"provider of condusive radical mayhem,
the weaver of carefully stranded notes
revealing swansong's symphony
through creeping tide's of exclusion"
Amazing use of words!! omg i love your word choice so much, and the way everything flows together as it does.. amazing! Great write i look foward to reading more of your works
-Khaos- -
Excellent read
Flows very nicely.
I like the way you put together seemingly incongruant words/phrases (Platinum Black; condusive radical mayhem; weaver of carefully stranded notes) that convey a sort of abstract image.
The last three lines depart from the structure of the rest of the poem. Not sure what were you trying to do with that part?
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