When you smile,
I can taste warm buttery pancakes
When you laugh,
I see moonbeams dancing,
awakening a sleepy lake.
When I think of you
I see orange plastic bracelets
and remember the joy and the tears
childhoods embrace
You are a sunflower
petals stretching to welcome sunshine
your mind and heart open to the world
And now life shakes you up
scattering your well made plans like
fallen grapes
The hour glass of time tips sideways
and we wait
My sister,
if you feel a twinge of pain
I pray that azure doves
will sing to you lullabies
and whisper soothing nothings in your ear
Because you and I
are slivers of the same cake
And though I've always loved my cake
No one ever saw the icing quite like you
Author notes
Thanks to everyone who helped me iron out the rough draft.
A contest entry
- Contest: A Makover... Partners In Crime Group Members Only by Partners In Crime.
600 points, ended September 20, 2007, 5 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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Excellent
Sarah, this write is so wonderfully penned.
This is such a beautiful dedication to you sister.
Well done my dear friend.
Well done.
Keep up with the great work.
Keep on penning.
*S* Cynthia
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This is an excellent poem, families are all cut from the same cake
Just some have more crust than others 
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I love them both, you didn't lose the feeling in the revised one..I do hope all gets well for you and yours
Good luck in this contest
XXJeannette
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Wow, such a sweet dedication to your sister, dear Sarah. This reminds me of my own sister. She is as kind and nice as your sister. I guess we two are so lucky!
Both poems are sweet but of course the second was more better. You chose the words so carefully.
I thank you kindly for sharing this with us and wish you best of luck in the contest
~Massy~
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I liked the original and the revised, what you wrote is very heartfelt and does make me think of my family because i am not close with any of them, brings a tear to the eye. Excellent
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I love this, Sarah I have a sister a year younger than me (Darlene... J aime coudre on AP) and we're very close, always have been, even in our times of disagreements. This beautiful poem reminds me of us. The original is wonderful, delightful and the revision enhances the feelings expressed.
Good luck in the contest and thank you for entering this beautiful tribute to your sister
Dee
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I do indeed love this piece... I think it is very heart felt. Not all the 'images' you used are something that I would have used, but at the same time Im sure alot of these images mean more to you and your sisters. There are many times that I use certain things and it is questioned but in my heart or my mind it makes sense because there is a personal connection there for me. I did have one problem. I think this section was hard to read:
When you laugh,
I imaging moonbeams dancing,
awakening a sleepy lake.
I love what you have but I think
When you laugh,
I IMAGINE moonbeams dancing,
awakening a sleepy lake.
Other then that I wouldnt change this piece because it does feel true to who you are as a poet.... If I would not have seen your name attached to it, I would still think it was yours. Thank you for the read and sorry it took me so long to get back to you (like I said in my message I was out of state for a few days).
I wish you and your sister the best.
Kia kaha,
Rox
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Thank you for catching that Roxy! All fixed.
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You asked to help spruce it up, but a poem like this comes from the soul, and it's difficult to critique. I'll try to nitpick, since you asked, but honestly, this is your heart, your soul. It should say what you want it to.
The fourth line, "Moonbeams dance awakens sleepy lake," is very awkward. It sounds almost like something found in a haiku, which isn't the form of the poem. Try something that fits grammatical form. Same with "And leaves your life like toy train on its side." Try "Like a toy train" as it reads better.
Earlier in that stanza, "And now the earth shakes you up," that just doesn't sit right with me. Unless she was actually paralyzed by hitting the earth, try using "the world" or "life" or something more abstract.
I love, love, love the last stanza. The metaphor is beautiful and sisterly.
And once again, this is your poem, and it's from the heart. I'm nitpicking, but ultimately if it says what you want it to say, then go with it. -
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GT, thank you so much for taking the time to pick apart my poem. You were very helpful to me.
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Sincere, heartfelt and lyrical
When you smile
I can almost taste warm buttery pancakes
When you laugh
moonbeams dance and awaken the sleepy lake
When I think of you
I see orange plastic bracelets
and hear the laughter and the tears
of years gone by
You are a sunflower
petals stretched to welcome sunshine
your mind like licking flames
(need another line, maybe something like)
with that solid core of seeds to sow
And now the earth shakes you up
and leaves your life like a toy train on its side
The hour glass of time tips sideways
and we wait
My sister,
if you feel a twinge of pain
I pray that blue bellied doves
will sing to you lullabies
and whisper soothing nothings in your ear
Because you and I
are slivers of the same cake
And though Ive always loved my cake
No one ever saw the icing quite like you
Just a couple of suggestions as noted. You and your sister are luck to have each other!
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Boilerjim,
Thanks for reading and taking the time point out my little errors. Its not easy to catch your own mistakes!
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I love this poem! Your sister is really lucky to have a family that loves her so much, and I hope she is a lot better very soon.
I can find very little to criticise, but on a purely grammatical note, "Ive" should be "I've". I also don't like the "blue bellied" doves, but have a profound dislike of the word "azure" due to its overuse. I suggest instead "blue-feathered." The "licking flames" also seem a little violent for the feeling of peace you describe your sister with, but I can't think of a suggestion for that. I love the image of the sunflower, though.
My favourite stanza has to be the first one-to start with, I thought you were describing a child of yours; it was only later that I realised it was a member of your family. Like I said, I really hope everything goes well with you and with her. I'll be praying for you.
-Hannah
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your poem made me want to cry...
it's so touching, and beautiful, and it triggered childhood memories within myself -
This is tastefuly done.
My first impression is that this is a very nice poem for your sister. Emotionally I can feel the love you have for her. You asked for suggestions, here are my thoughts.
In verse 1
line 3 (And) when you laugh
line 4 you could use either (and awakens a) or )(wakening)
Verse is just fine as is.
Verse 3
line 2 (streching)
line3 mind (is) like
verse 4
line 2 life like (a) toy train
verse 5
line 3 that (powder gray) doves
verse 6 is just fine like it is.
I hope this is what you had in mind I feel that these small changes would make it better without taking away any thing from your thoughts, feelings and words as a whole. I sincerely thought that this overall was beautifully done. My favorite part is the third verse and with the changes I suggested it wouln be smoother to read. Your title is perfect for this and the first line is just the line to set the tone of this poem. The last line is excelent for who could know you better than your sister. Hope that she gets better real soon,and you both can get back to doing the things that you like to do together. I really liked this.
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A delightful piece that tugs at the heart strings without being sentimental. Thanks so much for the read. Your sister is so lucky to have you - siblings don't always "touch" each other.
On the poems wording - I don't personally like the "bellied" part of the doves, it kind of detracts from the image of peace. "Azure blue dove" maybe?
If I may also say - if you are to virtually re-write the work (as one commenter seems to suggest) then you will surely lose the intimacy and immediacy and personal feel of your poem - just a thought.
Donald -
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quantumsurveyor,
I think your right when you say to be careful not to rewrite the whole thing or I will loose its spirit. I did ask for a picking apart and thats what I got and I am greatful to everyone who helped me make the little changes that made a big difference for the poem.
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I am so sorry to hear this...I do hope your sister is strong enough to recover to the fullest she can....But I think with the love of her family and friends shown as in this write she will get through some how...she will need all the love, help and support she can get so...give her this beautiful, lovely write asap....and tell her I keep her, you and all yours in my thoughts.
wishing you all strenght,
XXJeannette
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I'm sorry to hear of your sister's accident. I hope she will be alright. I think that she will like this as it is your voice and your thoughts from your heart. But since you are asking for help, I'll offer some observations from the outside.
The poem is filled with interesting images. Are they memories you share with your sister? I would bet that "orange plastic bracelets" are. What about "blue bellied doves", the "lake", "pancakes"? If so, that's cool. If they are just images, she may wonder about them unless you give some foundation for them.
I liked your opening in first stanza, but they might be better if you personalize it a bit more. What do these images do for you? If it is just an image, it might be better to take it one more step. Something like:
"Your smile is like buttery pancakes
sweet comfort food
that warms me, body and soul"
The second half of the first stanza is a bit harder. You may remember that I don't much care for repetition that serves no purpose. You use "laugh" here and then "laughter" in the next stanza. Can we change one of them? Maybe "and remember the joy and tears" for S2L3? The last line of the S1 is not grammatically correct. Is this a specific place or? Either way, tie it to you as well. Maybe something along the lines of:
"Your laughter is
moonbeams dancing on a sleepy lake
bright and alive"
I liked S3 as is. S4 is a good idea, but unless the "train" has special meaning for her, change that. It complicates the image and you have "side" followed by "sideways". I think the sideways works better with the hourglass image, so change "side". Maybe "and tosses you about like a toy"?
Why "blue-bellied doves" in S5? It is another complicated image. Lose "to" in S5L4. I loved the ending! I hope this makes some sense to you. If not, ask and I'll try to explain my thinking.
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Thanks zt, I took your advice about simplifying the images and taking out some of the akwardness. I have rewritten what might be the final draft. Ill have to come back and look at it again later and see what I think. Its going to be hard for me to figure out a way to give it to her anyways since we dont live close together and I dont think she has computer access.
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Ms Sarah, I love your poem, but than I love the poet's work anyway. I hope sis gets better soon and recovers all her senses. --- Thank you --- Hey Sis, get well soon; we need you to look after your Sis.
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Wattle,
Thanks for reading and commenting. I did indeed take out the almost.
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