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Introductions are in Order

Introductions are in order
Step apace and stand in line
Here we each, a son, a daughter
Lost, bereft in such urbane
And, oh, to gleen from sidling glances
The identity of each hungry soul
Who stares ahead, awaiting idle chance
The meeting, sharing, making whole
Thus introductions are in order
Step apace and stand in line
Here we stand, herd to the slaughter
Here, we, for mortal contact pine

Author notes

It wanted to be written like this (this being a set of 3 abab's with the repeated first two lines), but it is open to being editted--just give me whatever constructive criticism you can muster. I love growth.

Also--I am a fan of slant rhymes. sometimes I forget to mention this. Then I get yelled at by the exact-rhyme populace (who have a right to yell) I forgive them if they forgive me Ignorance isn't always bliss, folks.

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • jinsays gold member
    September 4, 2007

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    Step apace and stand in line
    Here we stand, herd to the slaughter
    Here, we, for mortal contact pine

    Great choice of words here. This is a very nice piece, honestly, except for a little layout, a few rests here and there, this is perfect. I would not recommend a change regarding the wording at all.

    This work is excellent, the flow was good, some words through me off, but the overall magnitude of your ideas here are very well penned.
    Great job,
    Jin


  • passim silver member
    September 4, 2007
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    I enjoyed reading this.I find there are a lot of syllables in this line; Who stares ahead, awaiting idle chance. It makes it a little jerky to my ear.Maybe you could use 'Who stare fixed' instead of 'Who stares ahead' But everyone else seems happy with it, so maybe it's just me. Anyway I like it very much


  • Wulfareika
    September 4, 2007

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    Very thought provoking indeed. I love the flow of the poem, it reads very easily. I really like the line "A son, a daughter" because it's very true, we are all a son or a daughter to someone, and it's quite hard to think like that because we know people differently, ie; mum, dad, sister, aunty, uncle, brother etc.
    As stated below though. I feel "time" would fit much better in line 4 than "urbane", as the rest of the poem is in an a b a b scheme, but urbane just doesn't quite seem to rhyme fittingly with line.

    Apart from that, a great write. You managed to pack a lot of thought into very few lines. You didn't over-do it and drag it out as many would do when thinking along these lines. It was just the perfect length

    Well done!!


  • storiesuntold
    September 4, 2007

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    Great

    Where it says lost bereft in such a urban maybe you can use the word time it would ryhme much better there all the rest is truly great


  • wiccanway
    September 4, 2007
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    Very thought provoking. I really like the thought process here. You say it wanted to be written like this? Not sure what you mean by that but in some places the wording does throw it off, in my opinion.
    Just small things that could be polished. Like line 7 would "chance" be better as "chances"?

1 - 5 of 5