That tickling trace of memories,
a soft humming deep within
perpetually, persistently prodding,
reminders of affairs left
unfinished...
Sands slip silently through fingers,
unable to cease the flow of time, yet
heartstrings reverberate knowing
that a few grains always remain;
nestled,
in upturned palms
waiting...
Even as twilight falls, eyes turn eastward
in anticipation of the coming dawn
darkness retreating from the
presence of spiritual rebirth,
and the knowledge
that another chapter remains
to be written...
Author notes
Bedroom Eyes
A contest entry
- Prewrite Mania for MY FAVORITES!!!!!!!!! by Celticmoon.
700 points, ended November 2, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poems That Should Have Won...But Didn't by trista.
1050 points, ended February 24, 2008, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites by sideways hourglass.
400 points, ended March 22, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Surprise me by the-gifted.
900 points, ended April 8, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your oldest prewrite poems and my 20th contest by stargazer..
650 points, ended April 20, 417 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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Well, this holds more to it than just words.
I want you to know that if you ever feel left out, sad, lonely..
first call Sandy.. then if needed call JoJo.
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I loved the stanza about time and sand, how a few grains remain, like memory. I've never seen that kind of analogy before, and it's really, really beautiful. And the alliteration in the first stanza worked really well for flow!
And I see that there was some alliteration in the second stanza when I re-read it, but I was too busy loving it by then to notice at first.
You have to get out of your writer's block. 'Cause you're a more than awesome poet, I can tell. *nodnodnod*
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very good write. thanks for entering and good luck.
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I'm not crazy about the opening, because it seemed unfinished - perhaps that was the intention as the title suggests? Even so, I wanted to get caught up in the current of meaning, but it didn't happen for me.
However, beyond that point it made sense to me - and was well thought out. You had some very good images. And I love the unique style with the spacing - it's nice to see poets trying new things here.
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This one is definitely penned with emotion being left unspoken- so to speak. You see the thoughts that are intricately woven for a deeper meaning and it haunts you with this sadness of "what if's"
and it lingers...
I could be wrong but this is the feel it left me with.
A beauty truly.
All the best in the contest...
Much Love and Many Blessings~
~Joy
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I've been back to read this several times...and still have a difficult time deciding what it is that both pulls me into the poem, and makes me feel left out at the same time. I'm guessing there's more meaning here than I could guess at, and maybe that's partly what I sense...
I'm not terribly fond of the format you've used, yet it's an effective use of white space to help pace a poem that has so little punctuation. The alliteration was nice too...wish there had been a bit more actually, especially in the final stanza. I think the middle part of the poem is definitely the strongest. The imagery there is very vivid, and something that seems to pull at a lot of emotions. About the only things that stood out in a not-so-good way were the line ending in "the" (to me, it really broke the flow in that spot) and the repetition of remain/remains in the last 2 stanzas. Unless used for emphasis, repeating an uncommon word can be very noticeable and takes some of the power away from it, IMO. Lastly, your title...it works, but I'm not sure it's worthy of the poem. I'd love to see something that either draws readers into the poem by making them curious what it'll be about, or one a bit more metaphorical. Remember...the title is the first thing a reader sees, so a lot can be assumed based on that first impression.
All just my opinions of course, and all very minor details. There are definitely more strengths here than weaknesses!
I love the journey this takes me on, from a melancholy remembering to the hope of what is still to come.
Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck.
Best wishes,
~J.
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Greg,
It seems after much debate on what you thought best to enter in this contest a wise choice was reached. This piece is deeply touching and very emotional. Each lines is spun in a fine golden thread that continues to weave a blanket of emotion from begining to end with no knots to hinder it's flow. Simple elgance it what you have created here. Thank you for entering and good luck!
Blessings
Bel
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do try not to be lonely....
someone cares....
somewhere.....
and you'll find that right one for you....
when your suppose to.....
sweet one....
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Had to come back again, for more......always......coming back.....
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Hey YOU! Not sure what to say to this...its left me teary-eyes and my soul stirred...how bout this ~HS...Enough said....Glad I could tickle your muse...THIS IS one of your best yet! it just falls off my tongue and lingers on my lips......
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I'm very pleased you liked this piece Julie. Yours today brought this on, and I'm glad that you read in it what is meant to be seen
That, to me, is what counts hugs & HS
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That tickling trace of memories,
a soft humming deep within
perpetually, persistently prodding,
reminders of affairs left
this was the best knock out punch of this poem i will be glad to read the continued part -
wow....this poem was...different than wat im used to reading, yet im open to new things...i like wat i read...can u personally help me betterunderstand it...it would definately help my skills as a pote/reader...thanks for sharing
-Tre' -
I love the way you shaped this poem. It really makes people start thinking, and I thought it was very good. I especially liked the "sand through fingers" part. Keep it up!
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Beautiful, your choice of words and how you placed them together created a beautiful moving piece.
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This
to my eyes.
Your an awesome poet my sweet and i cant wait to read more.
I appreciate you and kno w your going through a rough time. I am here if you need to talk. Gla dto see you got your muse back
Much love to you
Tory
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I loved every word and every image those words brought forth. Well crafted and presented thoughts.
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The first two verses of ease, but the last one seems to have some sort of anticipation to it. The last line of the piece signifies that anticipation. At least, to me.
A good piece here.
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This was a very deep piece...I loved the way it flowed with your feelings just emerging into each stanza. Very well done...
Soulful Woman
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A beautifully written piece of art...masterpiece in words. Your words flow smoothly from the page. I love it. Keep writing, you are a wonderful poet.
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thoughtful and hopeful. i like the different imagery you use for each stanza, especially the idea of sand grains still being left. i liked the use of illiteration too
just generally well constructed
xxxxxx
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This was so beautiful ! I enjoyed reading your thoughts , keep the writing up !
My favorite part was ,
Sands slip silently through fingers,
unable to cease the flow of time, yet
heartstrings reverberate knowing
that a few grains always remain;
nestled,
in upturned palms
~lisa~
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Very nice write,actually its stunning...mittens are nice!More than everytthing i liked the shape and the flow of the poem,it fits perfectly with every word!Well done!
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Very well done!
Wonderfully written! This poem will truly stay in peoples mind as they read. Flows well. I love the sand verse as well. Bravo and keep writing with your talent.
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oh wow. nice piece this one. i really enjoyed it ... reminded me of the song unwritten by natasha bedingfield wen i saw the title...
Sands slip silently through fingers,
unable to cease the flow of time, yet
heartstrings reverberate knowing
that a few grains always remain;
nestled,
in upturned palms
loved that verse. nice job
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