The day was unlike any other,
on that day was born your brother.
Tiny toes and tiny fingers,
and such sweet smells that linger.
You asked but he was too small,
to come and play with your ball.
I said maybe in a year or two,
you can show him what to do.
The time it came and did pass,
you showed him what you had asked.
I watched you both in the yard,
playing ball, trying hard.
I knew those days wouldn't last,
you both seemed to grow so fast.
but always will I remember,
that great day in December.
A contest entry
- children by hilly.
300 points, ended September 14, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
A beautiful poem about a boy and his doggie. Fond memories that will be in your heart a lifetime.
-
Our memories are treasures of the heart.
And this is so sentimental and charming
it made my heart a little fuller.
Absolutely lovely !
~Pastel
-
"You asked but he was to small," - "to" would be "too".
The rhyme, though doesn't seem forced in most of the piece, does seem weak. However, it does seem to be more of a "children's" poem, and I guess I could relent on that aspect.
I felt that certain lines held repetitions of the same words, too much. Like in the first verse of the word "that" that is used a bit excessively. Same with other verse with filler words such as that. With the rhyme, and I didn't count, but, perhaps a syllable count would be better. Gives it a good cadence and helps in the story, overall.
A nice piece here, however, could use additional improvements.
-
this is really beautiful! i especially like how it flows so easily.
-
Aww this is so sweet and cute! A wonderful write!
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
