living
is the weight of opportunity
clawing like a mangy lion
and the constricted intellect
of the serpent's paradox
when millions of years
are full of inefficient gods
then lies
are handles of doubt
with symbols signs
and sevens
i am a phased-out number
called man
with the riddled eye of a cat
my pupils slant in wisdom
with the sprawling sphinx
solemn shapes slip
slowly...
sand
slithers
with the serpent
of time
i level the leaning tower
suns set and sons rise
and i revolve daily
against the evolution
of syncs
commodity is a burning
manifest in chinese
crackling
is the sorrow
of zen
i wake like the pure star
with the blind boy blues
sinking into the grey
where passive breathes heavier
and the sole moving eye
erases the black bored
man
with too many holes
in his head
he dreamed of being
and the black box came
he dreamed of seeing
and the black box came
he dreamed of fleeing
and
yeah
it came again...
in the the form of
snake eyes
the road to this race has ended
human we say...
reflect
on six cold feet
if you have the time
and your metaphysics degree
is in the closet
smile at the mirror
and count
people
Author notes
tell me how many do you see?
A contest entry
- A CONTEST FOR YOUR MIND by Dalaney.
675 points, ended September 9, 2007, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - see not the flame, know the artist, and understand blood. (invite only) by apples fell.
400 points, ended September 25, 2008, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I remember this one, an excellent example of your poetic understanding, and talent hon. I can't pick out a favorite part, it all flows exceptionally well, right down to it's perfect ending.
Bravo. -
simply genius.
-
"he dreamed of being
and the black box came
he dreamed of seeing
and the black box came
he dreamed of fleeing
and
yeah
it came again..."
- I loved what you did here with the repetition and how it adds strength to the piece, instead of taking away from the poem.
"and the constricted intellect
of the serpent's paradox" - Another killer line and it makes me think of a song by tori amos.
"crackling
is the sorrow
of zen"
- Oh sorrow and it's many illustrations for the heart...How you window that idea though, you make sorrow seem fresh again.
"pupils slant in wisdom
with the sprawling sphinx
solemn shapes slip
slowly...
sand
slithers
with the serpent"
- I loved all the "s" sounds this carries. I think it helps move the piece forward, instead of constraining it.
There is a lot here that speaks, as all good poetry should do, but coming from you, how could I ever even think this wouldn't be breathtaking?
"if you have the time
and your metaphysics degree
is in the closet
smile at the mirror
and count
people"
- How very bold and honest that stanza is for an ending....Yes, more people really should take the time to open their eyes and see...
A great piece of writing. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
;
-
The title is creative within itself,it introduces the reader to the black and white within the game play and random matter that will carry whatever weight the reciepient chooses to place on it,the dominoe affect can cause all to fall down yet conversely,when each is balanced,the infrastructure works.
The reader was capitavited from the phraseolgy of "living is the weight of opportunity" Six words which have impact,are incisive and slice the apple pie according to appetite met and fed.Love it.
Good usage of grammar,alliteration and assonance.Liked the wordplay within "suns set and sons rise" Also "passive breathes heavier" adept at describing the slow intake and contemplation as the breath oxygenates as opposed to tripwire firing trigger happy synapses.
Liked "reflect on six cold feet" whilst an illusion to the depth of body buried perhaps also a reflection on some who waste the six days of time spent creating this world but soak sundays sermon.
The ending was as strong as the beginning.Not an easy feat with a lengthy write that has so many poetic points but the poet achieved it." Smile at the mirror and count the people" is wonderful at reflecting what the man in the mirror sees for does he see all the faces staring back? It reminded me of something my Mom used to say,she would ask me " Do you know who I saw today?" I would reply "No" and she always,always replied "everyone I looked at!"
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wow...wow...this be my absolute favorite. Incredible write my friend.
Peace and Love
Cinn.
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The imagery and metaphor used here gives the reader the opportunity to approach and gain meaning from this piece in several different ways? Is this about man or is it about "Man"? That's up to us to decide, though.
I love the repetition imagery, the use of serpent, that, due to religious mythos (and man's own fears), often has evil or frightful connotations. But, is that really what is represented here? Well, that's just up to the reader, really....
Great write.
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exquisite
This is your highest power my friend. You are a born riddler. Aquarian...through YOUR eyes. Your metaphors are surperbly sculpted. This holds your focus, then quizzes you. Makes you scratch your head..and question your own perceptions..are they primitive.. or evolved..and if they are evolved..are they still just a small fish in a big pond of ponder.
I love this.
suns set and sons rise
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Holy hannah..my friend, one of your finest. I read this one over three times, and I could read it again..
fantastic work. I think this is my new favorite of yours.
Intense, and beyond intelligent..
how many do I see? lol. We don't want to go there.
Standing, applauding and whistling...
Bravo.
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So much incredible innuendo, slithering like the serpents you describe in and around your phrases, the timing is awesome here and some of the lines are unbelievable in their depth. Mindblowing. Gonna bookmark for future re-reads, also to ponder the concepts your words revive in my Sunday morning brain. Evolution is a circle.......a game? Bravo.
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Brilliant. I love your poetry - it is riveting,
packed with images for the mind, and yes, there
is always always something between the lines
waiting to be discovered. How many do I see? I
see one man with a thousand voices, and all of
them with something to say...
Love, Lane
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