I needed eighteen minutes to finish making the dinner.
You gave me thirteen,
and while the water was growing steam fast, lifting away from the pan; there was a chop chop. It was my finger though, and not the carrot I had been aiming after. My atheism allowed a curse more freely than you, but your practice of religion hangs loose as hemorrhoids and is far more painful to look at. The two lines cut into the fat of my finger were neat,
not as in 'cool' but more as in asymmetric. The blood ran like Nascar drivers down the run way.
And no matter how I rounded it, I was in last place.
The last place I thought I would be in this moment of my life. The point where I turned over on a Saturday morning with tangled hair, worrying if it were Sunday yet and having no one to ask but the alarm clock. The anxiety won't go out with the afternoon trash.
But you, you've already left and you never even got here. (wet paper towel promises)
While the muted green couch still talks about you, the one with the burgandy pillows shaped like diamonds. It still cradles the imprint of where it held us together as final puzzle pieces found under a rug. It sings like a Hallmark card, till I retch in the bathroom you never saw that day.
A bathroom decorated like a forest with trees, like your childhood home, where you played most of your life. I never knew you then and I will never know you now. Parallel lives, lies that can't touch. It's just the nature of natural law, leaving me laughing sardonically at a sick bloodless face of irony. A collapse of reflection with feet cool and collected, regardless of the rest of this.
You broke all the syllables of your words and I stutter in the waves of them coming to drown me. A shadow of a person,
I admire the outline
but I'm left to guess at the full of your face.
Author notes
Notes are for those that do not speak in tongues.
Or have somehow managed to keep their own.
In a list
A contest entry
- No Pretense by JustBe.
1107 points, ended October 13, 2007, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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a very interesting and thought provoking write, I read and reread in hopes of unravelling more of the question marks I am left with. A very enjoyable read.
Rory
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PLEASE do not remove your entry. I do plan to give you quality commentary, and I am sorry it has taken me this long. to even say this much. This is easily the hardest contest I have judged, if you did not win, then that means only just slightly more than nothing, as far as this judge is concerned.
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While the muted green couch still talks about you, the one with the burgandy pillows shaped like diamonds. It still cradles the imprint of where it held us together as final puzzle pieces found under a rug. It sings like a Hallmark card, till I retch in the bathroom you never saw that day.
I like the couch angle, thats a new thing for you and it works nicely.
When I read this, I can feel the depression and the anxiety mounting. It reads to me like this is a person you love and know you should stay away from and yet you wonder which is worse... being with him and all the bad things he brings or being without him and walking through the days alone? As always, you leave me in awe.
Sarah
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You definately have a talent for elevating the ordinary to extraordinary in poetic verse. I for one love the reference to NASCAR because that's my favorite sport. I love the way you keep my interest throughout this seamless work of art. Tragic, yes, but faceless..... I think not. Best of luck in the contest.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
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i don't really get it and i am afraid any stab i take it will not even come close. the writing of course was flawless. but since i don't know what is going on in yourlife lately, i have no clue who or what exactly... it just sounds like your staticky... i'm not sure how to explain what i mean, but you are a smart cookie so i'm sure you'd know what i mean.
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I liked it, but there was one thing. The nascar thing. I like that you use simile, but some images don't coincide like other images. I think I read in another of your pieces once something about 'flailing arms like water knocked off a table' or something along those lines. And I thought, wow, that's great imagery. It's perfect. I read it four times, it was great. But nascar racing and blood. Well, for me, that didn't work out. Just a thought.
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this was amazing
i liked it as a whole
the images were fast paced
great work
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Intensely thought provocating
My first impression is this is interesting and thought provoking. Emotionally this is a bit on the dark side for me. It is easily read therefor not awkward and does not need to be changed. I can't say that there is any thing that I liked better than another. The title is also interesting, and the first line works for this piece. the last line leaves you wondering. good write. -
oh my...
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I wish that I had the words to express what this did to me- perhaps I need to make up a new language so that you can receive the praise this so richly deserves. All I have to offer is this===
FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!
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Mmmmm, this is poetry. Love the way you've vividly captured a moment.
DancingRed.
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"I admire the outline
but I'm left to guess at the full of your face."
this rings and rings in my head.
I adore your writing.
even your "author note" is poetry.
and there's not much else I can say.
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This is a really creative piece and i love how its formatted. you did an amazing job! i love the line: A collapse of reflection with feet cool and collected. It flows nicely. Good job...
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I like it. Plain and simple I think it's great. I really love the line "as final puzzle pieces found under a rug" great analogy there. Very creative. Thanks for sharing you did a great job!
Love and Peace ***~*~*~*Stacey*~*~*~*** -
Wow.. I'm actually... um... speechless. For personal reasons this really hits home with me so I'm probably not the most objective critic right now but I think this poem is awesome and if poetry by definition is suppose to minister to others, you have definitely done your job.
One Love,
John
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