Yelling, screaming, never ending,
Weapons clashing, breaking, bending,
Every second, people dying,
Their loved ones mourning, weeping, crying.
The smell of blood lingering in the air,
Children learning the world isn't fair.
Murdering the innocent without a care,
It's too much for many to bear.
Think before you end another's life,
With the shooting of a gun or the use of a knife.
Hear the sobbing of a dead man's wife,
All around you is chaos and strife.
On a furrowed brow, a worried crease.
The starving find bread and fight for a piece.
You want it to stop, you want it to cease.
You long to have tranquility and peace.
In this place we must learn to cope.
Don't stay lost in the dark and grope.
Would you throw a drowning man both ends of the rope?
Or do you still cling onto hope?
Please let me know what you think.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I like the whole poem. I'd give some thought to the syllable count though, and either stick with one count through the whole poem, or by stanza. Otherwise, spot on!
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i think its good and this is something i would often think about and often times its what all people are reminded as far as of the problems in the world. I would have not put the questions in the end, though, because its what the poem was about and when i did get to the end it was like i had to go on and make an opinion, which isnt bad cuz maybe its what you wanted. I would have finished it off solid with, instead of the questions, the questions answered.
It is really good, especially with the rhyme.
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Rhyming
Well, I like the idea of this poem, the rhyming scheme is difficult, a challenge, you mastered quite well. I find it too long, I would ditch the 4th and 5th stanzas, they are repetitive and unnecessary. The shorter and to the point the better. You want to grab the reader's imagination and heart. Say why people fight and murder, don't ask a question, give the/an answer! I don't understand your last 2 lines, anyway, don't tell the reader what to do, I for one don't like that, I like to make up my own mind. Offer answers, reasons, or just reflect, moan, criticise, observe. Maybe build in a metaphore to feed the imagination, to make it more gruesome...
This rhyming scheme tends to restrict you to repetition, to look for easy words to rhyme to the last word... this loses the originality of your work.
Find more difficult words to rhyme or try to write the same piece in free verse. Good thought, carry on!
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Thank you for commenting, Johnathan ROBIN
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Rhyme schemes and Time schemes
The first stanza kicked off very well but this is a complicated rhythm to maintain over several verses especially if aabb rhyme scheme is maintained throughout.
When the rest of the poem switches into monorhyme cause and effect are somewhat sacrificed in the process ... Furthermore the either/or choices offered in the final verse are not as definitive as they might appear
Overall an interesting approach -
Thank you, Gloria. : ) I like your new avatar, it looks cool.
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Wow. This was very true and inspiring, your word count goes off a bit, but who cares? Great job, excellent and touching write!
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