My love is a Rose of an ancient line
dating back though measureless unchanging time,
regal and royal, honed profile in marble fine
dark deeds and light combined into the present body sublime.
Pollen'd and pruned back in an age
lost to legend and fable and gold-wrought words
where wars were fought and blood rang with rage
and each tongue screamed to the wind's overlord.
Red as a rose against flying plumes
silks twisting in torrents of blackened heaven
and stone carved kings in gold carved tombs
laid waste and to rest with beloved weapon.
White as a petal softly felled
lying, dying, silently on needles of green
catching crimson tears where youth is impaled,
and a generation of ghosts to subjects unseen.
Sailing with flags snapping the breeze,
blazened crowns and helmet horned,
their woven emblem proud above the trees
Fear'd, loathed and self-loved, worshipped and scorned.
Hung with garlands pink and blushing,
Battle sashes ornate ordained adorning
sweetheart's buds awake for touching
'gainst strongest thistle, lie soft in mourning.
My love is a Rose of an ancient line
carrying history and future together bound
looking forward and backward, bold and fine
clear and cutting as clarion sound.
The blossom is grown by well-tended bloom
the thorn is then just the smallest part
we feel it not in our loving swoon,
as it pierces the hand, but not the heart.
Author notes
In progress
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Excellent Writing
The last two verses are my favorites.
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Very good, I have a rose fixation and appreciate the further insights I have gained from your poem. I particularly like / forward and backward, bold and fine/ and also /worshipped and scorned/ I'll have to come back again and read further if this is a work in progress.
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Uncanny.
I have no words to descrive how perfectly romantic this poem is.
Blessed Be
Allura
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Allura, thank you for reading and thank you for this lovely comment. I am glad you like this.
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Very Romantic and tasteful write. I sort of got sick of reading love poems long ago but this one was definately worth it!!!
Well done, and best wishes. I wouldnt make it longer.
MAria
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Thank you so much for reading and for the encouraging comment.
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You've selected an appropriate topics--the rose is probably the most important literary/symbolic symbol throughout the ages. The poem develops the sense of antiquity in the symbol, as well as its immediacy. In terms of theme, the poem works well.
Some individual lines seem rough, especially since rhyme and overall rhythm--and the subject--suggest smoothness, fluidity. Line 2, for example, seems awkward in the phease "countless...time"; the two words don't seem to fit.
And a number of lines suggest strong image but don't quite deliver--"blazened crowns and helmet horned"--, pass on too quickly to the next one.
Some other possibilities to consider: Red rose of Venus, White rose of Mary, White rose of Dante, Variagated Tudor rose, Renaissance rose (sexual passion/religious devotion), Victorian language of roses (communicate messages by the color, whether bud or bloom, with or without leaves or thorns, etc.).
This is rich enough for a book of poems each exploring a different facet of Rose.
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micol, thank you for the critique and for the informative suggestions. Much appreciated.
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Interesting .
My first impression is that this is inconsitant, some of the the verses have every line rhyming others do not. Emotionally I can feel that this is about a lost love, it seems sad and lost. It is a little awkward what with it jumping back and forth from rhyme to non rhyme. I couldn't say how to change this except if you could be a little more consistant. The title is very good and this first line sets the tone very well. The last line sums this in the right way. My favorite part is the fourth verse. -
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It is an every-other line rhyme of each verse. I like putting words that are similar in sound if the rhyme is not perfect. This was edited from the original.
Thanks for the critique, and I am glad you got an emotional tone from it.
Hoping to prompt images of the Tudor line.
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A little short
Its a good poem. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against short poems. However, I feel like you took this grand idea...this masterpiece and compressed it into a nice little poem. Now, that could just be me. Onward to the complimenting. This poem had one or two nice images. There might have been more, except I think that the rhyming, which came across as forced, took away from the poem a little bit. The same goes for the flow which seems just a tad bit choppy. Otherwise, a nice poem.
~Kimberly~ -
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Thanks for the critique. I always tend to go toooo long, there was more to this but lately I try to economize.
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Nearly there
"red as a rose against flying plumes
and stone carved kings in gold carved tombs"
I really loved those lines. I think there are other couplets in the piece that could be trimmed and timed, but then I'm a nutter for hard rhyme (not like this actual comment that seems to be sprinkled unintentionally with soft rhymes).
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moth, thanks for reading and for the awesome comment. I'm a rhyme stickler to a point but I actually like the cathc of"almost rhymes" and how they play in your head as you read a poem. Thanks for the comments. I appreciate any critiques and suggestions.
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I could see they were purposeful. When I get a bit more experienced and braver I may shake the OCD for perfect rhyme. :-)
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