With my legs lopped off
puddles of blood arond
screaming and crying
he hears not a sound
In pain with angst and regret
I scream in his face I'm upset!
my tears on his shirt
his shoulders so wet
and yet
he hears not a sound
I'm climbing on towers, mountains highest peak
I'm screaming and shouting
down in oceans deep
In my dreams it's him I always seek
he hears not a sound
Oblivious would be a word that's better
if not only because O is my favourite letter
but mostly because
Oh
describes his standard response
It's ignorance however,
because I've told him forever
I want us to be together
I need this life to sever
It's him that I treasure
he hears not a sound
Ignorance is bliss
but there's no sense of happiness
to the one waiting for just one kiss
A contest entry
- Impact #6: Ignorance by between slices.
462 points, ended September 6, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PRE-WRITES GALLORE ~!~!~! by Naridill.
800 points, ended January 31, 2008, 138 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
in the 4th stanza, try adding an "and" or a "yet" in the last line. "and/yet he hears not a sound".. currently, it seems really abrupt..
love the 5th stanza..
i like how you've expressed his reply.
quite a sad write... i can feel the restlessness within. waiting for ages for a reply and not getting any.. it can be damn annoying. how you feel like you want to inject him with some "anti-ignorance" serum..
if only it were available.. pft..
Ps> Please do not reply or rate till contest ends.
-
This has such painful resonating power - heartfelt and real I think. But, can we use a spellchecker correctly? loped for lopped, arond for around, peek for peak - and the odd use of a lower case "i". I don't believe we can call ourselves poets if we mangle our beautiful English (and American) language.
Adding your comment:
