For that northern star tumbled from its precipitous vantage
Plasma crystallised in its luminous wake
Following down to the edge of the sky
Unsettling the calm with a will to forsake
Destruction of self brings its own sweet nectar
Sculpting runes in the mind with its fluid motion
Clutching the embers of the fleeing nebula
It is the soul that sleeps with the voodoo potion
Now the puzzles coming apart
The picture it describes slowly disintegrates
So it took a while to possess that smile
Then smile as the laughter now dissipates
Searing, blazing, that star it erupted
With the cogent vehemence of a tortured scream
The maelstrom blasted aside all resistance
Leaving visceral remnants of a slanted dream
Sundered by beautiful hands of wrath
Flung out into the void of desolation
Awash with fury, with scornful disdain
Searching for home amid the isolation
Author notes
Contest entry code - 2007RC020
This piece comes from very personal experiences.
Kind regards
Previn
A contest entry
- The Raven Contest: Uncovering Genius in the Written Word by Raven Contest.
14500 points, ended October 1, 2007, 53 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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I enjoyed how you have used a star to represent a person in the sense that we are lost within a multitude of others that look very similar. In that sense I infer this piece to be an abstract look at a quest for individuality. While I do not share your penchant for ambiguity this piece has at least given me a glimpse into why some people do. It can be interesting to arrange words in a fashion that have several readers walk away with several different inclinations about their nature. I've just always thought that when that happens, you haven't actually said anything at all.
Thank you for your entry.
~Das -
To me a good abstract write give a stronger clue. When it so open ended a reader can add what not there. Poe was good at doing this. He gave stronger word pictures. I can appreciate leaving open. I was taught good write does not spoon feed the reader. Good writer opens up to the reader. Ask yourself what qualities do you admire in a writer.It took me awhile to widen my view a little. It does not feel like it was a good time. It left some feeling behind. I hope you are doing better. It content is good. These are only suggestion. I am sharing you what I was taught. Many have taught me many things that I did not know before. I wish you the best on the final round.
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For the most part, I tend to dislike poetry that relies on big words rather than actualy imagery and talent. It overpowers the poem and makes the reader somewhat lose the poem.
However, it seems that you have managed to find a decent balance between intellect and feeling, and have woven a wonderful picture. It still feels SLIGHTLY forced to me, but not so much that I cannot enjoy the read. To the contrary, I enjoyed it very much.
Good work! :-)
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Oops. I meant "lose the INTENT of the poem"
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First of all, in regard to the author notes for which I am thankful when they accompany a piece like this, I have to say that I am not a great fan of particularly vague poetry but what I do appreciate is poetry that either leaves the reader with a question to ponder or the subject engages them in personal recollection that takes them further than the author’s words and I feel that it is the latter that will be the case for the majority of readers. The vagueness allows it to be interpreted with uniqueness.
However it is interpreted by others, the first thing I received while reading it was an intense feeling of darkness, destruction and isolation. While the author uses images of space, a falling star, fleeing the nebula etc, I feel this relates more to an intense inner struggle which is so powerful that it may only be portrayed or compared with something as strong as a star’s destruction. In my imagination this destruction is possibly a person’s life literally torn apart by a devastating act that will never be forgotten, yet there is also an element of learning from the experience followed by a rebirth from the experience. The possibility of coming to terms with the event or finding oneself or self value also appears to be there. Perhaps that is what the learning is about.
I found this poem grows as it progresses, which also drew me in further the more I read. Personally I found the last two stanzas culminate the intensity of the poem by drawing all preceding stanzas together with absolute fervour and isolation as the dominant focus. Again the concluding stanza is open to personal interpretation but I equate this to more than the loss of a home in the sense of bricks and mortar, it feels more as if it is the loss of kinship accompanied by the fury of anger that would cause within a person.
I personally think this poem offers readers far more than the written words on the page with its ambiguity being a benefit and not a hindrance.
Congratulations on reaching the final round of the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with this entry.
Northern Raven
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Very, very beautiful. I loved it!
"Leaving visceral remnants of a slanted dream"
Its hard to pic, but I think this is my favorite line. Don't know why though. Well Done! -
I feel like my whole world just exploded. This would normally be terrible, but I feel so refreshed. What an excellent poem. You have a mastery of imagery, and this is certainly not light reading. It is indeed vague, but just the right amount.
Excellent piece.
2 Applauses!
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Extraordinary...
The words you have used certainly speak for themselves...
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Interesing piece of poetry...many lush poetic phrases throughout...a lot of cerebral stuff here.... bravo ... bravo ....
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fantastic!
It's dark. I like dark. Vague is good too. Drawing conclusions all your own is what poetry is all about. Well...at least most of the time. The experiences that brought this poem about must have been very painful, but that made the piece that much more special. Keep up the great work.
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Sad
Wow I'm going to have to pull out my dictionary for sure! It amazes me you are such a maturely advanced poet than I. Yet I also that you for you author notes. There is for the reading an open meaning of the poem! For me I guess sometimes I'm still searching for home amid the isolation perfect last line, than the title Journeys End is perfect as well it compliments the poem as a whole and then the first line for the norther star tumbled definitly leaves the mind open for the reader excellent first line to poem! Excellent write! I have so much to learn and it is poets like yourself that I hoped too! Thank you for your gift of poetry!
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As Much as I do NOT enjoy vague poetry, I really enjoyed this one. I loved your wording and the way this poem flowed. I dont know why but "It is the soul that sleeps with the voodoo potion" Really stand out to me! I really liked that line.
MR -
Absolutely great. In almost all ways...
NOTHING WRONG almost....
One thing.
When you said:
"Sundered by beautiful hands of wrath
Flung out into the void of desolation
Awash with fury, with scornful disdain
Searching for home amidst the isolation "
The rhyme scheme demands that the second and last rhyme and have a set number of syllables.... and yours is off... you need to fix the desolation line and/or the isolation line so they can flow well together....
Other than that, kudos.
~Asa of the Inconceivably Harsh Poets of Dark Forebodings -
Brilliant
wonderful imagery and style, nice job all the way around!
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very nice. A little cumbersome in the wording but I like that! Makes one think and explore in ways they may not be comfortable with. Thanks for sharing. Keep up the awesome work. Good luck. Peace and light always in all ways, Kendal
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Outstanding
I got the sense of the end of the world, a dying universe. I thought the language was dark and vivid and the over all effect dramatic and intriguing. The poem has a great flow and I liked the subtle rhyme scheme. Best of luck in the contest.
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ohh hey
friend thanks for postying this its soo greatt your words are superb i am gonna bookmark this thanks for sharing this
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Hi Prev, I can interpret this and know how and why this came to be written.
All the best in the contest and personally...
Sue
xxx
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Clutching the embers of the fleeing nebula
It is the soul that sleeps with the voodoo potion
nicely sculptured peice of abstract thought here, the vast space words themselves throw many images and memories at the mind in shooting stars and form that which is the journey into the unknown, reminds me of a taro card, the moon, could also represent the star and very internally directed with the focus on finding oneself to know thy self, anyheys i am quite amazed at the response below, it is utterly wasteful to put so much effort in misunderstanding, and by so learn nothing, anyheys his loss, and thanks for sharing, w picasso oranges -JAS
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This is a bit of a pompous mess isn’t? It is laden with pretentiousness that weighs it down into the poetry pits and never recovers fully and this
Visceral chunks of what once was paired
Is a good way to describe the poem itself. The metre of the piece seems disregarded along with a narrow focus and genuine goal. Esoteric is easy, what is harder is writing a poem that absorbs the reader to the point where they don’t wish to be anywhere else. And by journey’s end, anywhere would be better than wading through this bollocks that needs a much, much lighter hand to convey the deeper emotions. To paraphrase the sarcasm of WS Gilbert in Iolanthe
“If this young man expresses himself in terms to deep for me, why what a very singularly deep young man this deep young man must be.”
In the end it reads like one has dropped a brick on one’s foot and exclaimed, “A gravity enhanced visceral chunk of terra firma has invaded my toes.” May be right but it will never connect.
David
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Glad to have tortured you with such a painful read - wonder if that contributed to your baldness.
Perhaps your comments might be more effective were they not accompanied by a comical photo of a faggish sheep shagger.
And whats with the DP? Is that Double Penetrated?
I might take offence at your humility and genuine grasp of true poetry, were you not such a laughable character my friend.
Do enjoy your day, insulting your lesser would be poetic peers.
Regards
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It kind of reminds me of how my feelings were when a relationship I had failed after many a year, giving up the hope albeit it briefly I felt as if no home existed within the world for me to truly feel safe or loved again. Glad to say the human spirit usually finds a space and nestles in to find what it is we need when things like this happen. I enjoyed the metaphors in this and the subtle rhyme and rhythm. Love, C
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Your talent of weaving such intricate images using such a beautiful array of words leaves me spellbound by this tapestry resulting. Beautiful, yet sad. Wonderfully written.
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