to scream....
a expression of pain.
to laugh....
to fill the heart of another.
to dance....
to please no one but yourself.
turning....
another restless night.
spin....
as you fall to the floor.
all for you when your with me.
when im alone i
i scream as expression of happiness.
laugh just beacuse i can.
dance in my underwear....
i dont have to please.
spin....
to end another peaceful day.
for a carefree.
A contest entry
- who you are is who you are when you're alone- by CarCrashHumor.
600 points, ended September 21, 2007, 43 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - More than just a pretty face... by aligurl.
625 points, ended February 25, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
I really liked this. A very happy piece with a little touch of humor. My only critique's are... the second line it should read 'an expression of pain.' Also, avoid second person. Avoid using the word you. It takes away from the poem and feels like you are preaching to the reader. I know it is hard to do and I have struggled with this but it really improves my writing. Give it a try... You might surprise yourself. Gosh I still get a kick of the whole dancing in your underwear... I didn't think anyone else did. lol Thank you for your entry and good luck in my contest.
-
This is beautiful and I love the many expressions of yourself...wonderfully written, you have true talent hon
-
I liked the lightheartedness of this..
"i scream as expression of happiness.
laugh just beacuse i can.
dance in my underwear....
i dont have to please.
spin....
to end another peaceful day.
for a carefree."
especially that.
I think you could edit the grammar and setup a bit though.
keep writing!
Adding your comment:
