Upon my violin I play for you
A sweet sounding song of misery
The strings are old yet still they play true
And I revel in the violin's delivery
Clutched upon breast, a faded rose
Plucked gingerly from ‘tween prickly thorn
‘Twas the last rose that bore the summer's show
And like rose from vine you were torn
Your beauty is wasted now lying in state
Soon time shall leave its death mark
And I, alone, must detest my sad fate
and wait for my own to embark
All kindred of mine are now sleeping
No rosebud left withered on stem
Although in bleak world I’m left weeping
I beg ye go sleep now with them
Author notes
Tell me why I'm left alone, while you dream in eternal sleep?
A contest entry
- Amaze Me!!! with real poetry! by gothicviking.
525 points, ended September 7, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Tell me why by astralshepherd.
450 points, ended October 16, 2007, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Thank you for entering your poem in the contest, I appreciate it. Well, this is a good poem, not a great one, but a good one. The flow is choppy and the rhymes are lacking originality, yet it is a competent poem nonetheless. I did not like the ‘ye’ in the last line, it felt very awkward as the usage is archaic and out of context with the rest of the poem. The lines feel too cliché and brings the originality down, degrading that score. The content, for me, misses the prompt in the contest, regardless of the author notes, but this has a so many good things to say and if written for another occasion it might do very well. High marks for rumination factor and image. Blessings and best wishes, ~richard
1) Content 2.5
2) Originality 5
3) Flow 7
4) Word choice (vocabulary and/or rhyme) 8.5
5) Imagery 8.5
6) Grammar 7
7) Form 7
8) Spelling 10
9) Emotional Impact 7
10) Rumination factor (how well does the poem make me ponder) 9.5
astralshepherd’s completely subjective total score 72
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An Excellent Poem !!
I read your words and I could ' see ' the contest picture in my mind through your words. I loved this. The mixture of darkness and beauty you have written, make this poem very special. A really excellent Poem. Thankyou for writing this and sharing it with me. All my very best wishes Rose xx
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Thanks for your comments!
I was hoping it made sense!
Monique
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Dark, Devious, Delicious
What can I say? You author notes acutally sumarize the entirety of this poem. The aspect of sleeping in death is perhaps one of the most beautiful sentaments I have every heard in my entire life and I respect you for putting into such perfect scenary.
Perhaps the best part of this entire poem was the beginning scene with the violine. In the world of insturments, nothing has conjured such mysterious and strange images as the violine. It's place in this poem is excelant.
Kudos,
Peace out. -
i like the descriptiveness and the darkness in this one. this is a good write. i thank you for your entry and good luck to you in this contest.
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"The strings are old yet still they play true
And I revel in the violin's delivery
Clutched upon breast, a faded rose
Plucked gingerly from ‘tween prickly thorn
‘Twas the last rose that bore the summer's show"
That last line
"I beg ye go sleep now with them"
I'm not sure what that means but its real thought provoking...I love the flow and rhyme
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