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Hush Now, Night Lover

I [want] to step into
your

w o r l d

Show me how
To bend, twist, bleed

For your eyes only

Falling,

Let me fall into your sensual

[[nightmares]]

My    b r e a t h    lingers
over you now,

Can you feel the heat?

{Taste} my sugar laced, sweet blood

& watch the crimson stain
my porcelain skin

H u s h
 
Baby,

I don’t want the other souls
to be

J e a l o u s

  Have your way with me,
      Cus' I'm your pretty little rag doll;

Let this ecstasy    e n d u r e      as pain

......Until morning,
  when we become [shadows]


Author notes

08-30-07

This is my second attempt at a dirty pretty write. I tried not to use too much punctuation. I would love feedback, good or bad. Advice too, your more than welcome to give me a few pointers or tell me if I should change anything. Thanks


~~I LOVE THE BIG BLUE

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • Tzipora
    June 23
    Edit | Reply
    welldone. i think it is fine the way it was. it got to me.


  • PassionsPromise gold member
    January 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hey i loved this one. actually.
    not much into dirty pretty but i think you did well.
    best wishes to you

    tory


  • Innocent Evil
    January 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    its good!


  • MothandRust
    September 3, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    It's good

    you know it ;-P

    I have no idea what dirty pretty is, but I if this is it then I liked it.


  • danceswsquirrels
    August 30, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    oooo.. I like to tingle when I read stuff... Sometimes I think I'd like to fall into peoples sensual nightmares.. but then.. I remember I'm afraid of knives.. ::eyes shift left to right:: so maybe you can tell me what the double & is for? I keep going AND, AND in my head.. which... makes me feel weird...


    J~~~


  • LearningHow2Smile
    August 30, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You didn't overpunctuate as bad as last time, but I don't care for the cascading words, that's just me probably. Your word choice, however, was p.h.e.n.o.m.e.n.a.l, lol I really dig this piece,

    I don’t want the other souls
    to be
    J e a l o u s

    Love it! Great write!


  • Angel Wing Disease
    August 30, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I really liked this poem.
    The way that you wrote it.. it was a visual break on my eyes.. all the spaces and whatnot.

    However:

    ......Until mourning,
    when we become [shadows]


    Morning*

    That's the only mistake that I found, other than that, as I said before, I really liked this piece.
    You should enter it in a contest.



    xx.

1 - 7 of 7