I do not like the rain. It is pain filled,
Reminding me of a tear stained memory.
Thoughts of you and me will make my heart still.
In my restless times, better days I see
You and I walking lonely streets lit bright.
Passersby do not see the night as we
Do, strolling hand in hand, through the cold night.
In truth, they do not care, but leave us be.
And in peace, this is how we continue.
We turn the corner to journey on home,
Near the conclusion of this avenue,
And do not want to go in, but to roam.
We wish the night to last forever, still.
Now we know the true meaning of free will.
Author notes
This was my first attempt at a Sonnet, so hopefully it is not too horrible. It was written for a class. I drew my inspirition from a photograph that I had taken two days earlier. Please tell me what you think. Also, I do not like the title.
peace
~*maymay*~
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I do not like the rain. It is pain filled,
Reminding me of a tear stained memory.
Thoughts of you and me will make my heart still.
In my restless times, better days I see
You and I walking lonely streets lit bright.
Passersby do not see the night as we
Do, strolling hand in hand, through the cold night.
In truth, they do not care, but leave us be.
And in peace, this is how we continue.
upto this i love it
after this i like it -
Well, I'm no expert at sonnets
But I like the poem rather well. I don't like the rain because I don't like getting wet and soaked in my clothes. I thought the ending was well written, a different sort of ending than what I had expected, but it tied into the theme very well. Keep on penning!
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I think you have done an excellent job..
Lovely imagery..
Peace
~A~
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About the title: It is as much a tradition to call a sonnets by its first line as to give one a title. Either works. It might be more interesting for readers if you were to reverse the order of the title: "I Do Not Like the Rain: A Sonnet." That might bring them into the poem first, then alert them to its form.
Now, about the poem: It is definitely NOT horrible; on the contrary, for a first try it is solid. I taught poetry for nearly 30 years so I've seen hundreds of first sonnets--this one is well toward the top.
A couple of things might strengthen it. "Mem'ry" doesn't really help the meter and looks both artificial and archaic. "Memory" would do the job just as well, would help the flow of the line, and would not draw attention to itself as a poeticism. There's nothing else like it in the poem, which works quite nicely with clearn, rather blunt contemporary language.
You might with to hypenate "tear-stained" since the combination of the two words modified "memory."
And finally, the poem might be more effective with left-hand justified margins rather than centered. As it is, "Do" rather juts out on its own, right in the middle of the poem...and it is really not that important a word.
As to content: I'm trying to stick to technique, since there I feel of fairly firm ground. What you have to say works well; the distance you create between "us" and "them" fits nicely with the images you use.
In general, it is a solid attempt. If you have any questions, please let me know.
And finally, IGNORE anything I just said if it contradicts a clear vision you have of the poem.
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