Dawn is daunting, for a daughter
All up, dusky and breezy
Drawn in by a gnosis I already contain
My form an antenna into ubiquity
Who's to blame
Why am I stuck so, here on the floor
For I am everywhere and yet nowhere
Full of fat and as thin as the air
Just a tear, a tare away from lucifer
He surrounds me, almost arms reach,
by my own breech of inauthenticity
God are you ready for me
Yet?
I cannot wait until its kismet
Are we there yet...
I digress
Author notes
jen thomson
A contest entry
- Creations From The Heart Daughters by creationsfromheart.
375 points, ended December 10, 2007, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Are we there yet???
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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Really nice! You were able to use such great, advanced words with out sounding pretentious, and still lyrical. The juxtaposition of such deeper concepts of things like kismet then a childish statement like "Are we there yet" Really liked this.
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fucking deep. loved it <3
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im sorry i couldn't really comment on this, i liked the form and language used, but the subject matter just went over my head!!!
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this is a great write. I think tare was supposed to be tear but other than that it was great.
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your style evolved soooooo much the difference is more then obvious...TIME has made you stronger
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I agree with Ophelia Risen, like the alliteration!
You use words 'gnosis' and 'kismet' why? Would enlightenment and fate be easier to understand?
It seems a little at odds with itself to me, although I cannot say why. Perhaps it's striving to explain a profoundness that you feel, or an awkwardness. -
I read death in it too.
Overwhelming sadness....Lovely background, nicce blues.
Jin
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Nice
I stumbled a bit but I read it over again and yes its good I love the part are we ready yet
I wrote a poem on here called Are You Ready a month ago and its a question we should all ask ourselves
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I really like the alliteration in the first three lines; it flows really well. I'd watch the spelling and grammar a bit; it's always a shame to see good imagery blocked by small mistakes. I do like how you seem to contrast thoughts with events that are occurring, but I think I'd add in a bit more explaining more in depth what's going on, to bring the whole piece full circle. I especially like the line "I cannot wait until it's kismet," I assume that's the punctuation you meant. But you have a very good start here, keep it up!
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Why did I read this as a birth, some sort of traumatic birth. Strange that with the placement of the proper words a poet can make a reader feel a myriad of sensation and suggestion, even linking birth and death. I'm a peculiar person though, great read thank's for sharing.
Angel aka WoundedAngel. -
wow-I saw something very dark in this-a life ended angrily-not sure if that was intended, but it said a lot to me. is it god or the devil we are asking? Could be both, I love how open to interpretation this is.
I see suicide-it's an ink picture poem.
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A+
I love the controversy in the poem. It is a lot to take in. I love the way that you chose to end your poem, it really does complete it well. Great Job!
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A very hard abstraction to get my arms around. Is this a solicitation for a one-way ticket to the heavens due to size and the unacceptance of said condition by fellow shalow and narrow-midned human beings, or something completely different?
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i felt that there was something etherial about this poem also
wonderfuly written
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Hmmm... very interesting. I read so much into this but then it would be a personal perception which is trully the sign of a great poet, one that allows the reader to personalize their piece. Excellently done. The battle goes on and we grow weary... "GOD, are we there yet!"
One Love,
John
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tHERE is something etherial about this, but i'm not sure what it is. I would say that my first thoughts hit something like - if only I could think like that - it is incredibly beautiful, there is a haunting unknown quality about it that makes me wonder who you actually are. I can feel so much through it yet by the end I am more confused. Although I think it lies along the lines of temptation, the title is the biggest mystery of this write.
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I was hooked from the first line. Great usage of aliteration to capture the readers attention. the imagery? superb. the picture i got was me floating into a void of nothingness waiting to be pulled into any realm. I love your diction, and the over all feel of the poem. Your inner pen has written a dazzling piece of art. Continue to write such intriguing piece of art as you have here.
May Your Inner Muse Inspire You...
K.V -
Unusual
My first impression is of someone reaching out for imortality. Emotionally I feel a depth of space both internally and externally. There is nothing difficult in the way this is written and so it is not awkward. I wouldn't change it at all. The title is perfect for this poem, and the first line makes you wonder just what this will be about. The last line states what you feel. It is very interesting. -
This is good, it shows like a quiet desperation to put things to an end and get the hell out! i see you put very good thoughts and words into this one. im impressed, i like this and i look forward to reading more of your work. keep writing
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A view from everywhere
I love the background you have used. I always have loved the word ubiquity...ubiquitous...like strip malls on every corner of every town in America.
You call out to the universe in such a powerful way. Love the end part with I digress.
I could see someone, may be yourself, standing at a potium in front of group of people who came to hear poems read and would wait until the end words to hear the loud applause.
Interesting, thought provoking, real life
Penquinpoet
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When is enough?
I was about to comment that there is an air of impatience here. That is a given. It is however more than an impatience but a edgey desperation where nerves are tensed and crawling.
You went inside for this write. I know because I have been to the awareness you describe, but have never attempted to describe it. The line "Full of fat and thin as air" told me that. A perfect description.
The thought crosses my mind as I read "Is there more required besides knowledge?", "When is enough?" Also of course, the longing for security, comfort, home.
You put my lazy brain cells to motion this morning. A very beautiful background by the way. Always great backgrounds but I feel especially impressed to comment on this one. Thank you for being one who puts out writes that challenge as well as illuminate. Jadon
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this poem is unique and yes i like i
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