seductive ims and meaningless words
[cause after all you dont trust me]
...butgoditrustyou...
and ill pretend i dont care
while you say that you do
which is such a lie because honestly i'd give up
e
v
e
r
y
t
h
i
n
g
to be with you
but tell me
what would you give up for me?
your life.
your breath.
your love.
your drugs.
your heart.
your habits
me?
and you say you care
&& i refuse to believe you
so it's his hand i'll hold
his mouth i'll kiss
and when this all comes
---->crashing<----
d
o
w
n
it'll be [him] im standing next to
even if my ♥heart♥ is with [you]
Author notes
dancing marionette
- A Dirty Pretty Group group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Miss Plastic [Never Forgive And Forget] by Heartbeatsxfading.
300 points, ended October 3, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Round 1: Hit me With your Best Pre-write. by edit my world..
425 points, ended October 20, 2007, 64 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - strung out && b r o k e n more than an old cassette by PaintedParisPassion.
600 points, ended December 24, 2007, 65 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 38 of 38
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I love the form to this.
Amazingg -
I think we've all felt this way at some time or other. When I was with James I loved Karl but I didn't think he was stable enough [ha and I didn't look at James properly either, obviously!] so I just stayed with James though it wasn't all in it... Sad but true. Great write here honey.
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Wow! I really liked how you typed it out and everything to it. There was great emotion behind it.
Great job!
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Beautiful.
So pretty it made my heart ache...
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This is such a great write! I loved the format that you used and the way that you put this all together. Well done and best of luck to you with this one in the contest! Thanks a lot for sharing this one here!
Jeremy0826 -
WoW this is an amazing story you put into your piece of poetry. Doing all the right things with some else, when your heart really belongs to another.
This is some great writing.
Loveandblessings2u & yours always
Joyce
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Babe! i love this to death! It just describes so much and its so beautifully written...omg im just left so speechless!
definitly a finalist!
what would you give up for me?
your life.
your breath.
your love.
your drugs.
your heart.
your habits
me?
i know i am not the only one that likes this part but girly! this rocked my socks! thankies so much for entering!
<3Dani -
I liked this so much!
The best part of it was this:
" what would you give up for me?
your life.
your breath.
your love.
your drugs.
your heart.
your habits
me?" -
i love the form! it's very unusual! =D
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Great
I love this poem.... I also like the way that you shaped your poem, very almost conversational yet your whole point it put across beautifully. Great write and a beautiful read.
Hugz
Himler
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i love this!
its very good. -
Very nice write. How you may be in love with someone but you know they aren't right for you or they don't really care, so you stick with the one you know who has the feelings for you. Very beautifully written and I must say I can relate to this and have gone through this about 6 months ago and it's kind of a depressing thing but I'm better [as far as that situation is concerned] anyway. Loved the write, keep it up.
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WOW! This is really cool. &What u've written is something I have felt time &time again. &I just love this stile u have written it in. Wonderful job!
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I like the form in which you wrote the poem, although the actual topic surprised me , I though it was going to be cliche but it wasn't, great write
please return the favor -
Wow babygirl!
this is fucking awesome
xxx
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This was very strange. The style is unique and how you put your words was also original. I was a little confused by this but overall it is a fantastic piece. Good job
-A. -
wow... powerful words. Stuck betwwn the one you're in love with and the one you love because your with him. I liked it, been there, it never works.
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which is such a lie because honestly i'd give up
e
v
e
r
y
t
h
i
n
g
to be with you
OH MY GOSH.
this was my very favorite part...
beautiful really.
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this is my FAVORITE piece of yours my darling...
so beautiful.
every word was perfect.
I love it.
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Beautiful expressions of magnificence in love. The way you structure your poem express comfort and strength. Love is unconditional and whatever comes with it. Through thick or thin. True love support and is a rock! and don't go flat. Nearness in the heart is intense and can handle anything and everything. Lots of abundance in intimacy I love my husband and have to finish his poetry.
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Deep! And figurative in more ways than one! And spoken true from the heart! Wondeful write! i love the ---->crashing<---- (down) in such a built picture. Great write!
Miss Marie
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wow
This is powerful. Very powerful.. I love the effect you used with the wording.. creative. Excellent emotional value.
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I really love the way you structured this... What a creative format! Everything's falling. It's beautiful.
It flowed exceptionally well. The topic of unrequited love is often overdone in poetry, but I adored this one. You have strength, yet it is succinct. It's amazing!
The only suggestion I have is to eliminate the "me" in the "What would you give up for me?" section.
It doesn't seem to make much sense to give up you for you.
Maybe there's more to that than I'm seeing, but as a reader, it was a bit confusing.
Excellent poem!
-
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i was actually thinking that when i reread the poem
but it something that makes perfect sense to me i guess.
i just couldnt part with it.
in a way the person in this always said he would give up everything for me,.
and in the end gave up me.
im not sure if that helps any actually.
thanks for the comment -
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Aye. Life unfortunately does tend to come at us that way on occasion when some of us fall victim to our human condition. Fortunately, there are mediums for dealing with that condition, and you do it quite well. Ultimately, this writing is for you, not anyone else, and that one word has significance, so be proud of it.
I think the explanation is better used in your heart, where this poem came from. Everything makes more sense there than when you bring it out into this tactile world when rational scrutiny goes and poisons everything.
In the end, you still have you. And a wonderful piece of art to show for the season of your life which is leading to better ones.
Not too shabby, I suppose.
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The style is different, but the creativity is great very deep piece you penned here, thanks for sharing.
MxA
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love
this is superb and magnificant..ilove it honestly its so deep and full of emotion i know how you feel...great write
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I loved this...it was just effin amazing and relatable.
the subject by itself sucks (you know the whole unrequited love thing) but a wonderful take
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to love the one that has no concept of how to love... the theatrics of the form doesn't appeal to me but that is personal perference only all in all a solid write
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sad
how heartbreaking this was to read. to not be with the one you love makes life kind of meaningless in the end. well written and leaves me with a very empty feeling, which i think it was intended to do. i am looking forward to reading more from you. viyanna rosemarie
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wow crazy style. Your literally all over the place. It enhances the poem for sure. Dug it, keep up the good work that you have goin on here.
Best of luck,
Creatress
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Beautiful
I love this. Its great and it makes me think deeply.
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Aww bby this is sooooo sad. I know how this is. I love the way you wrote it. I'd give up everything to be with this guy, but I don't know how it would work. I'd give him the fucking world. ILY bby and this is wonderful.
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a very painful and emotional write...straight to the heart from the heart...ty for sharing
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woOt!
yet sad...
excellent write nickoley cole
i totally loveded it :]
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this poem is really sad and I'm sure hits home for so many girls. you have a wonderful way with words. keep writing
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It's so sad to me. It's painful to be in love with someone who's not in love with you. ♥♥♥ Loved it, bbydoll.
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this is really good i like the funky typing lol its awesome
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