Dear Captain

Dear Captain

I am writing to you for some advice as to how I can solve my little problem.
This may sound strange but I seem to have fallen in love with the tree in my garden.

Every day I wake up and start thinking about that lovely old oak and cannot wait to get my hands on those (damn, what do you call them?) nuts.
The feel of that wood is so hard when I rub my hands along it and I just can't wait to climb aboard and wrap my legs around its limbs.
I could not resist and took a picture of myself with my legs wrapped around the tree and posted it on a website that I frequent. If my friends ever got up there and saw the size of that knot that I was sitting on, I think they would be shocked!

Do I have a problem or is this normal?

yours Mystery lady






Dear Galf. (oops) Mystery Lady

I usually get several letters from people who say they just can't seem to get good hard wood when they need it. You seem to have found a solution all by yourself.
If I were you I would try to keep on hiding that little knot from your friends and if things do become a little sticky (or sappy) you could always try weening yourself of the trees using broom sticks and finally going down to lollypop sticks.
Maybe you should try branching out to different types of trees, I have a friend who likes to slide down palm trees on her holidays.
You do not have a problem and it is perfectly normal behaviour for a sex starved nymphomaniac.

Yours sincerely

The Captain