After dark I hurry up and down shadowy hallways in an old graveyard they call a hospital.
The people who lie within these walls are slowly slipping away and somewhere their grandchildren throw back shots of tequila licking salt off tanned wrists, smelling of sunscreen and dancing till they forget. Trying to think of anything but her bones rubbing against each other grinding down to the dust that coats her soul from neglect. Think of bed sores and blood and vomit. Lying halfway in this world and halfway out we will wait until the funeral to care so much it hurts.
Chat about the weather and blink once, twice, three times. Swallow a gulp of air and end with a doubt-filled "see you soon".
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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This poem hits the spot
You have brought together some astute observations. I did wonder about the "voice", which affected my own emotional engagement - it seems to slip ambiguously between different viewpoints. Not a criticism, , just a personal response you may find useful. I was really impressed!
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Thanks for the feedback. I know exactly what you mean about the voice but it was sort of intentional. I was working in a hospital which only had palliative care patients but I was sort of also thinking of a friend of mine who's grandmother was sick. Maybe it's confusing but it kind of works for me. Thanks for your feedback.
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hrm... interesting
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OH WOW
That is one amazing write!
I am a nurse and whta you have written is so true!
And the last two lines reminds me of how I would what the relatives sitting by a bed and not knowing what to say to each other or to the illness in the bed.
Great write!
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wow!! what a wake up call in this write. you have done the best job I've ever seen, to write the truth about how we can take a loved one's life for granted.
I applaud you!!!!!
This deserves a triple gold trophy in my eyes!
GBY
SilverButterfly
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Great imagery!
I like the imagery and sensory detail in this poem, for example, "shadowy hallways" "grandchildren throw back shots of tequila licking salt off tanned wrists" The mood of despair is conveyed with "bones...grinding down to the dust that coats her soul" I like it all except the line about "to care so much it hurts". I can't explain exactly why, but this wording is not of the calibre of the rest of your poem. Have you considered other words that might follow "we will wait until the funeral to..."
I'm just thiinking out loud/brainstorming...
dress in black and grieve in soft whisphers
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I found I wanted to read more, it wasn't ridden with beauty, making death something beautiful, and it wasn't smothered in self-pity. It took the reality of it and shoved it into words. I liked it. Thank you.
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wonderfully blunt
totally agree with your sentiment
so sad
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Haunting...and definitely not something I should of read while trying to eat! It was blunt..and that bluntness allowed the imagination to elaborate on the innuendos of gore. Or maybe my mind just naturally does that anyway. But I liked this piece..it was short, to the point, and had some very splendid imagery.
Kudos!
Cynn -
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Thanks Cynn. If I made you just a little sick to your stomach I've done my job!
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Spooky
This should get all kinds of positioning based on how this play otu. I ahve to give you credit for not being too make spooky. Anyway,I thought you a wonderful thing with this piece. Take care, Rhon -
Wow, this makes me think twice about nursing homes and hospitals! I can literally picture myself in your shoes, and I don't think I've ever seen a better piece of work on the subject.
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very raw, but talented write. Alone in nursing homes, many souls suffer alone, but for the strange caregivers. Often times I think family would rather run away than face the pain of seeing a loved one suffer, yet in the end they have to face the reality of death. Heartwrenching write, to say the least. "Lying halfway in this world and halfwayout, we will wait until the funeral to care so much it hurts", I'm sure this line will really hit alot of readers in their heart, and hopefully will jolt them back to reality, and they will spend some time with their loved ones before it's too late.
Wonderful write
Sincerely,
Sassy
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this is amazing. you put so much imagery and so much soul into this, it pays off in so many ways. i love the truth of this, how the elderly are neglected, their families far away. i couldn't even begin to fathom the loneliness and hopelessness that permeates the air in this place that you describe.
I think over all, my favorite part is where you talk about the grandchildren's dancing and self-destruction to forget the loved ones they've left to rot away. I think you kind of let the bitterness seep through with the line: "Trying to think of anything but her bones rubbing against each other grinding down to the dust that coats her soul from neglect". But it fits the sadness so perfectly.
It makes me angry and regretful at what we've become.
Cheers.
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the truth
this is very true . i have worked in nursing homes for 5+ years now and i know all to well the sad faces and the broken hearts. i think i have a poem you would enjoy . It's called .... What will we do with mom... it's very sad but it's true . thanks for sharing this and also i am hosting a contest if you would like to check it out , you have wonderful talent and maybe you would like a shot at a trophy for it !!! thanks again for sharing!! -
I hope that by the time I reach the age you have described here somebody will be kind enough to take me out to the field and end it for me.
Great write.
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I AM
I am that kid knocking back Tequila. Thank you so much for making me feel bad today. You sure did it.
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Thanks for reading. I'm glad that you are taking the moments you have with your grandfather to heart. I'm glad you weren't offended by the frankness of voice.
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This says a lot and I really like it because it is so damn true... Great job at putting the truth on paper.
Alix -
Oh my gosh...
This has hit home with me, my grandfather is now in a nursing home and every day I go spend some time with him and every time I leave I wonder... will I see him again?
Such a beautiful poem and so very true.
Thank you for sharing this.
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So many older people are in hospitals today on their deathbeds waiting to die.Alot of loved ones don't come to see them because it hurts to bad to see them suffering or because they don't think about them like they should.You did a great justice to those dear old souls who truely are suffering and needing alot of love and attention.I hope that by you writind this fine piece of work that it will make others wake up and see reality as it is and not as they pretend it is
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