your name permeates my consciousness
asserting itself into mundane thoughts;
peppering my internal monologue
like brilliant stars in the darkness,
machine gun fire piercing
blackest velvet.
through waking hours
I pass your trailing shadow slowly,
tinting me shades russet and brick
made more beautiful still together:
Charon and Pluto
locked in slow waltz
face to face,
a brief encounter
made monolithic
for our mayfly lives.
providence in stars
suspended high in crystal spheres
has no influence here;
I care only
for the Moon’s pull
on sea green eyes
Author notes
In honor of the total Lunar eclipse on the 28th (in the wee hours)
A contest entry
- Who Do You Love? (I WARN YOU... IT'S EXTREMELY CHALLENGING!) by Cherokee.
750 points, ended September 15, 2007, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Wow I missed that the poem is a love poem. Upon re-reading I see glimpses of a love poem, or love as a subtext, but I personally get caught up in your universe (the stars) images. The first line of the poem does start out as i love poem. The third stanza bring the lovers together. I see now that these images that I adore are metaphors for love. Shit, sometimes I am slow. :0). I think you should have a title that is more than one word. Not all poems should have a title more than one word, but yours is in depth.
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I watched the eclipse last night. I work up three hours before I had to go to work today. I can say time well spent. i was hoping someone out there wrote a poem about last night.
The images in the first stanza almost remind me of a meteor shower when I first read the poem. I had not read your author's note. Maybe make it a slight more clear in the text to what you are refering to. Don't get me wrong I think the images are brillent.
You chose the poem to be one long enjambed line why? (I will reread the poem so maybe I can clarify why on my own first.) Please tell me why no ceazuras? I am just curious.
To me, the title only fits with the last stanza that is relating to the speaker, not Charon and Pluto's dance. maybe rethink the title. or what would be cool is juxtapose the images of the blood monn with the tidal images related to the speaker. (FIRE/WATER).
I just wanted to leave a healthy comment. i truly enjoyed your poem.
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Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
I was awoken by a nightmare just in time to see the red-eye moon staring at me from my balcony. I wrapped myself in a blanket, and stared back for a while, until I grew weary. It was beautiful.
I think I agree with you on the title. I think I need to re-work that part of it. Perhaps 'Gravity' is better?
I'm not sure what you mean by it being written all as one line. It is devoid of punctuation, but I think that the hard returns, and blank spaces make up for the lack of punctuation. I didn't want anything but words, a stream of conciousness, of feeling and emotion.
upon re-reading, I notice that I am myself in the process of reading it adding punctuation mentally to give it the flow that I expect it to have. I'm going to play with it, and see if added punctuation makes me feel it more.
The other thing that perhaps isn't clear, based on the comments you've made is that it's actually a love poem... and the eyes aren't mine, but someone elses.
Thank you so much for leaving such a wonderfully in depth and meaningfully critical comment on this piece. I really appreciate the constructive input.
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