A beam of sunlight stirs
me from a reverie.
Holding you tightly,
nowhere else I'd rather be.
The slow, even breaths
you blissfully breath,
make me regret
that I have to leave.
Careful not to stir,
careful you're not to wake.
A kiss, "I love you" and
to the door my way I make.
Still sleeping, with a smile
you ask, "You're leaving me?"
In the door I stop and turn,
"Only until tonight, honey."
Author notes
Written with memories of perfect mornings with the one I love in mind.
-Nick
In a list
A contest entry
- First Impression by nobletemplar.
600 points, ended September 9, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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it is beutiful your like the best poet on here
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Memories are horrible - I can imagine what was going through you as you wrote this. This is a beautiful peice, regardless of whether I'm in for a love poem or not
Never ♥
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Whoa- bright happy background..hurts the eyes a little..but ugh very good, nick
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wow, not used to this background,lol amazing write once again, perhaps, ten more times again!
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Jesus Mary and Joseph guy. Way to make me melt right into my chair. Loved the rhyme loved the story like feel to it and I absolutely adore the sentimentality beneath it. You can not be read!
-Sasha
That or you've got extremely big feet or something...nobody's pefrect!!!!
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You can not be read!
I cannot be read? o.O
Thank you so much for your words, very enthusiastic and yes, I am far from perfect.
-Nick
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Maybe she means you can't be real..?
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well obviously. I was merely pulling her leg.
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Lol. Idk
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oh this is so wonderful
a moment with the one you love
would be wonderful indeed
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Beautiful words
"Holding you tightly,
nowhere else I'd rather be."
*sigh* you're making me fall in love with words. very real and very passionate words. who ever you speak of should feel VERY lucky to have your feelings. keep writing and i hope to read more of your stuff. peace and take care.
Always too late...Always in our hearts...
~White
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this is a great story. work on how you tell your story. your language is simple, which is good in this case. it is a straightforward poem with a loving tone.
don't force rhymes and watch your refrain. the narrator knows he must go, but doesn't want to. use this to your advantage, breaking up the stanzas into something.. perhaps: fact, fact, refrain, loving statement.
a good example of your refrain (doesn't need to fit what i just showed you) is your last stanza. what a good ending too =)
you want to keep your poem as concise story-wise as you can. my best suggestion to improving this poem would be to adding another line to each stanza, and reworking the refrain. -
It is so hard to leave the ones we love. I know that when my husband Jason leaves in the morning for work I miss him all day until he returns at night. Another wonderful and so full of love poem. I so enjoyed reading
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sweet
this is sweet, sounds like good memories for you. Nice flow! -
aww thats really cute. i like it
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It has the same rhyme pattern and style that i like to use too
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Aww.
So cute Nick.
I love it.
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