I have loved you since we were young kids
back then you didn't like girls though
then afterwards our parents forbad it
but by then my love for you had begun to grow.
I tried to get over you one year
after you used me and broke my heart
but nothing will stop my love and i know it's clear
but now everything's falling apart.
you made some wrong choices in life
that will never go away
you're now telling me you found a wife
and it's putting me in dismay.
you lied to me
when you said you loved me more than life
i wish all of my love you could see
i love you more i want to be your wife.
I will always have love for you
but i think i need to let you go
I need to realize that we are through
but it's gonna be a lot of pain i have to undergo.
Author notes
i have loved this guy ince i was 6 and have known him for 14 years hes 20 and im 17.everybody always thought we were gonna be together but he now is engaged and has a child on the way....this is just how i feel!!
**what do i have to do to make you see,
she cant love you like me!!
option 1
A contest entry
- You cant help but love him///her.... by oldphotosonlybringt.
300 points, ended September 4, 2007, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - whatever you want by Anonymous Shadow.
600 points, ended October 1, 2007, 119 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Crying... by near1202apocalypse.
450 points, ended January 14, 2008, 77 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - [[ Hate to Love You ]] -PW Allowed- ENTER PPL! D= by ThatONEweirdChick.
600 points, ended December 3, 2007, 40 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - *~*~ Break My Heart *~*~* by Melissa Burns.
475 points, ended November 21, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Missing You by TheStupidLamb.
900 points, ended December 2, 2007, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Largest Contest On AP!!!! by xxRainbowDawnxx.
3000 points, ended August 26, 2008, 1668 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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First of all, congrats on the trophies this piece has brought you. Now anyway, some of your rhymes seem a little blah or forced to me but it's still perfectly good poem. The emotion makes up for it, and that's all poetry is about right. Nice job here.
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Thanks for your entry and good luck!
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***** Thank you very much for entering my contest ****
Trust me 100% when I say I know how that feels. It feels like dying. Hope you had fun with the contest - I enjoy reading all the entries. -
oh wow this is indeed a very nice write. A little of your ryhme somewhat confused me. Where you said loved me more than life and then I love you more i want to be your wife. I dunno I just had to read that over a bit before I got it. Maybe add a comma/period or add an and? Anyway, it's a good poem =]
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Excellent write, this is beautiful.
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Beautiful, thanks for entering and good luck.
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This is heart breaking and so well written. The emotion...the torment...the longing and the tears...they all show through...brilliant write hun!!
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rhyme and meter a little off but besides that, great job! strong emotion and thought was put into it - i can tell.. it was made with passion, and those are always the best poems. thanks for entering and best of luck in my contest
lexie
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It doesn't really tell how you were used. But the feeling is there. I'll keep this in my contest. But I recommend trying again too!
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I can feel the emotion in this, but I don't like the rhyme scheme. Some of it is forced, like "putting me in dismay." Lines like that are awkward, because people don't really talk that way, it just is put way to make a rhyme. That, I think, detracts from the poem.
I'd rework that line. You know what might be interesting? Rewriting this as a non-rhyming poem. Letting the emotion flow more naturally without having to rhyme, and maybe throwing in a few metaphors to express how you feel.
Overall, it isn't bad, but I think it could be improved. I hope you are not hurt or offended by my criticism, you have talent and potential, I am just trying to help. -
Perhaps it's my monitor screen but it's hard to read your poem with a blue text against a gray background. Most would use white or a light auburn against gray (even black) but, not blue.
"I have loved you since we were young kids" - I feel that "young kids" should be "children". I think it'd read better, and gives the same imagery.
"then afterwards our parents forbid it" - "forbid" I believe would be "forbade".
"your now telling me you found a wife" - "your" would be "you're" but since you don't seem to be using any apostrophes (why I haven't pointed any of them out) then "youre" or since again: you're not using apostrohes "you are".
"but its gonna be alot of pain i have to undergo." - "alot" would be "a lot".
I would suggest editing in apostrophes in the words appropriate. I state this because sometimes without an apostrophe in certain words, it changes them into another word.
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I didn't like this very much.
The wording wasn't all that great itself.
"i love you more i want to be your wife"
that was my least favorite part. -
One powerful read here poet.
i can feel the pain yet i can still feel the flicker
of hope in your voice..your pen speaks loudly friend.
best wishes
Tory -
You did a good job of expressing yourself. Good luck in the contest.
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its always easier making the wrong choice s then it is to face the truth and handle the right ones
im guilty of such. great job here best wishes
Tory
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I'm sorry, but I no longer have time to comment all entries because I have recieved so many.
So I am only commenting the ones that have followed my rules.
Unfortunately yours didn't.
I really appreciate you taking the time to enter but it's going to have to be DQ'd. :/
Good luck in your writing!
<3 -
i know the feeling of this pain...my ex-finance left me to get married to his ex girlfriend about 3 days after he purposed to me....my adive to you would be to get over him, but try to salvage your friendship, for friends are forever
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well sweetie like i said befor i love it bunches..xoxox
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wow sweetie this is so sweet//sad all at the same time great poem though love bunches..xoxox
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i feel for you.
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