Be with us when the threaded planets part
And necklaced constellations snap and scatter
Stars, like beaded brilliants, throughout space.
When our novaed Sun, its furnace dying,
Flares, a sputtered candle, in thy grace
With no 'I told you so' but soft 'Amen'
Be with us then.
Be with us then...
But be thou with us now
Wherever lights burn out and senses fail.
Where meek men crack beneath a vicious will
And clocks tick out their countdown to a kill.
Wherever vicious power's brute intent
Twists false confessions from the innocent
And hope is snared and strangled by despair
Be with us there.
Be with us there...
And be thou with us here
Where 'Decency' is just a mask we wear
While Culture's trampled by the foot of Trade
and value's measured by what profits made.
Be with us here where tears too soon are dried
For all our past offences, justified
By early teaching of the "Rights of Powers" -
That others' wars have other deaths than ours.
Where fortunes fund the industry of War
While Compassion begs for pennies from the poor.
Be with us here where Youth and Innocence
Are spoon fed with our greed and indolence.
Where Truth receives a shrug
And Love a leer,
Be with us
...here.
Author notes
OPTION 9
NOTE: Religion: This was written to point up the hypocracy and the irony of those Christian fundamentalists who concern themselves with the tribulations they expect at the World's end, while going along with the sufferings and injustices of others in the Here and Now.
A contest entry
- Anything by fairytalelovestory.
475 points, ended October 7, 2007, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - All Time Favorite! by Mezclita.
600 points, ended October 13, 2007, 40 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - RHYMED POEMS ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT ... by ecrivain01.
1150 points, ended October 27, 2007, 26 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Meaning Of Life by sleepingINblackRain.
380 points, ended March 31, 2008, 23 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The End Of The World by abyssalchainsaw.
330 points, ended May 16, 2008, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - End times by Walking shadow.
750 points, ended June 11, 2008, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Show Me You Love Freedom, Liberals! by twilight seduction.
850 points, ended December 1, 2008, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Speak Up! I Wanna Read Passion In Your Convictions by karma-n-peace.
925 points, ended January 1, 18 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 44 of 44
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All I can really say here is BRAVO!
I am left speechless at the honest insight and poetic form.
Absolutely beautiful and brilliant.
Thank you for entering! -
Spoken with clarity and passion! BRAVO!
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Wow!
A stunning poem. Only one of six contest holders saw this as gold worthy???
"Be with us there...
And be thou with us here!"
(I was just about to add virtually identical comments as to what I said six months ago, [this time the analogy was going to be: as long as there are robbers, we'll always need cops] but suddenly remembered the "conversation" we had, looked down the list of comments and confirmed I'd already dooted you with three wisemen. Glad to know I'm consistent in my thinking over that span of time!
Anyway, let me re-iterate, this is a gorgeous, well-written write!)
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this was a very well written poem. It is powerfully spoken, and sends a good message accross. Thanks for entering my contest.
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yh I rlly like teh rhyming bits, it was rlly fun ROFL
you also used looooooads of long words and things like 'novaed' which was really cool. I didn't know the sun could be novaed. Anyway, good l7uck!
xXxXxX -
great
Wow this is really good. Its very well written and its worded so great. Thanks for entering my contest i wish you the best of luck.
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Shelly -
You been added to the finalist list
Good luck -
Perfect end
The way the world may end is very sad indeed. The greed, hate, lack of love, trampling of the Earth and war. Very well done poem. Good luck in the contest.
Walking shadow
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This nearly put me to tears.
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Wow'ed
Your work really played to my weaknesses and got to me.
Descriptives and repetitions definately loved,
and also the way in which the world ended.
Your trophies on this one were well deserved. -
Ah, yes the hipocrites
They tarnish our reputation the world over and we are to suffer for it. It truly is a shame, most of them "believe" only out of guilt. Anyways thnx for entering my contest I will have another soon. I hope to see you there. -
Im not really sure what to say about this
It was
Enjoyable
Beautiful
Unique
Creative
ect.
I really liked it
Thanks for entering -
I in no ways think that people should deny the injustice of what goes on today, but I do believe that going to hell or heaven is a greater decision. These people may feel these things for a while but not for long. We stress the end so much so to warn people. So that they wont suffer here on earth only to die and suffer in hell. Despite the fact that I some what disagree with this topic it is a well written poem and I wish you all the best in my contest. By the way all of us arent like that. Some of us Christians do not practice religion, we practice salvation. Religion is a ceremony to me in no way do I go to church every sunday to practice rituals and ceremonies. At church every sunday Im praying for those less fortunate than me, the crimes in darfur, the tragedies going on in Israel. What you call being blind to issues is simply mere scripture. He will always be with us, but he also tells us in the book of Matthew that things will only get worse and to worry not because he'll be coming soon. I am Pentecostal Apostolic Holy Roller and Im proud of it. I in no way think that youre bashing religions or whateva but I feel I just needed to clarify that.
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Not too bad
Not too bad at all. Very prayer like, yet very vague in that sense. But the content; the reason you wrote it is very good. I can appreciate it. Well done and thank you for your entry.
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nicely written. I really like this. and I think you done an awesome job!
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Love the sentiment and some excellant lines here! I was a bit wary with a title of two clishes, but I was nicely surprised.
Where 'Decency' is just a mask we wear
While Culture's trampled by the foot of Trade
wonderful.
and the whole first stanza was stunning.
I would recommend changing "senses fail" as its a band and not an uncommon concept. Your call though.
Thanks for entering!
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this is great! i can even put into words how much i like it! i specially love this line: "And hope is snared and strangled by despair" jus cuz its rly true!
good luck hun! -
Very Well Said
You said the bitter truth so beautifully by capturing the irony of the ones who believe in God but not humanity... Religious people worried about after math ignoring to do to make now right... I can see it clearly the winning streak in these lines... very well structured poem that flows flawless and best of all you've touched and covered the obvious topic that is ignored.... thanks for sharing your thoughts and reminding us to straighten up our act - take care Minoo
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Thought provoking and well written.
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Very poignant. I liked it a lot. I thought that you had several good passages.
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The message of your poem rings of utopia. War, to my sensibilities, is like a surgeon's knife... as long as there is disease, surgeons will always have to cut flesh. In like manner, as long as we have nefarious heavy-handed riff raff stirring up trouble, humans will need war or revolution to supress it and cut it away. There is rampant killing and rape in too many countries in Africa. If it's not blood diamonds or religious intolerance then it's tribal differences or political coups and intimidation.
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Outstanding
Congratulations on the much deserved gold trophy. This is a brilliant poem penned by an amazing writer with great clarity, compassion and intelligence. A very powerful poem indeed. BRAVO!!!!
David Michaels
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Very factual indeed. This is an eye opener of what is happening and what is going to come..Very thoughtful read..thank you for sharing
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Nam has a point ...
about "other's wars', and I think it would be others' to be completely correct. As I said before, this is a great poem. However, if I give you a Gold or Silver, that means you have to withdraw from that "upgrade to Gold" contest. Tough decision, eh?
Oh well, you snooze, you lose.
Thanks for entering this. It's a great poem.
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interesting topic, very powerful write.
your piece is dripping with emotion.
thank you for entering my contest and i wish all the best.
~birdie -
This was a very powerful piece. I enjoyed it very much. the emotion just bleeds off the page. I liked the lines,
"Wherever lights burn out and senses fail.
Where meek men crack beneath a vicious will
And clocks tick out their countdown to a kill."
Well done.
I see why this poem has won a couple of "HM" trophies.
Thank you so much for entering my contest and I wish you the best of luck.
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"Wherever corrupt power's brute intent" - the way you've written this line, I do not believe that "power's" would have an apostrophe. The same with this line:
"That other's wars have other deaths than ours" - I feel that "other's" would either be "others" or "others'". However, I feel it would work better as "other".
A nice poem that you have written here.
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Hi Nam. Thanks for the comment. However, I'm happy with the apostrohe in both cases you mention. Both are possessive. The first refers to the 'brute intent' of a corrupt power and the second to other people's wars. It's all in how you read it. Still, your comment's appreciated. Cheers, jimmy
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I love this, message it speaks as you read it's like an old type of poetry which i very much enjoy this is really very enjoyable read great job and good luck
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Beautiful like a poetic song
thankyou for this wonderful entry, judging is in the
morning, I hope I have hair left in my head, this will
be much much harder than I thought.
What a beautiful poetic song that was...it was like you
were singing in our ears.
ears2hearyou
Kathleen : ))
Great job! judging tomorrow morning early.
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Thank you for your entry into my contest. WOW You blew me away with this poem. It is well written and well thought out. I really enjoyed reading this poem that you penned so eloquently. I am not really sure if "novaed" is really a word or not. I could not find in any of the numerous dictionaries that I looked in. I understand what you meant by it, but I wonder if nova-like would be a better way to say it. Just a thought from an old man that you can either use or just discard.
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This is a great poem ...
I love it.
I don't normally like the thees and thous, and normally would point that out forcefully, but here it works. Actually, everything here works. I'm impressed.
It doesn't really answer any questions about what or how we could address the issues facing us, however. The punctuation is not good, of course, but that's easily fixed.
That aside, it's a great poem.
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Hi again - and, again, thanks for the comment. Yes, I know I didn't attempt to offer remedies in this piece which aims to point out (some) of the ills to those who seem blind to them. As for remedies, I've been actively involved in non-violent Direct Action campaigns against war and repression since the late '50s but now find (here at least) the networks have evaporated and the ability to mobilise is virtually nil. Consequently I am looking for the new way ahead myself and can only say that nothing can go well as long as people obey/go along with what they know to be wrong. Thanks for setting this contest. Cheers, jimmy
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A beautiful prayer... and wow I didn't even realize it originated from that idea (maybe because I actually don't live in a predominantly Catholic country? Bangkok, Thailand over here!) Anyway, I much liked how it reflects society very accurately (of anywhere in the world almost). The ending captures it perfectly... it's good to know that with people who think like you there's still hope for today~
<3 thank you for sharing... Alex
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interesting write, its a great poem, i enjoyed reading it a lot =)
thanks heaps for entering and best of luck in my contest! =) -
Wise words, Dear Poet
I loved this poem. It made me think. I agree with everything it says, its poetic. The language is beautiful. The topic is unique, as well as the poem.
It's a wonderful free verse! I loved the entire poem,thats why I don't have a favorite part.
I loved this wise and thoughtful poem. It made me feel a little agry for all the ignorance this world holds.
Thanks for entering this MAGNIFIC piece.
Good Luck on everything -
WOW
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Well done overall I'd say. I'm never quite sure who the poem is imploring to be with them, but I suppose that's a good thing which leaves it open to the interpretation of the reader. Also the first stanza seems to have a scattered rhyme or two whereas the rest seem to have very fixed rhyme. I'm not sure why this change took place. I think a poem should have consistency unless there's a very purposeful reason for interupting that consistency. One other thing. I'm not too keen on the use of the words "thou" "thee" and "thy". If you're going to use Olde English words then you should write the hole poem in Olde English. Otherwise just use you and your.
Thanks for entering and good luck. -
Mournful
I just feel like crying. This poem has so moved me. I just cannot find words. The line "Wherever corrupt power's brute intent, Twists false confessions from the innocent, And hope is snared and strangled by dispair.......Be with us there. My goodness the cry of the heart here could bring me to my knees. I feel tormented now, as if your words are the ones I lost somehow and now have found again, hidden in the confines of my shrouded secret heart. It is the human aspect I feel you have captured. Where the spirit lives and makes us brothers and sisters.
Just my response.
Beautiful words that touch the soul and heart and enrapture the mind.
Castaway-poet
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My first impressions on this are recent news of 2012/end of the world is nigh and all that. I love the descriptions of the universe. It seems to point an issue between God having told us that this was going to happen and mans/the poets non acceptance of this till its near too late. Pleading for help, waiting for it to be over and the hope of better things to come. Repentance. Amen its done.
But Amen? Is this true repentance, with tears and all will stand and be trialled against justice and the powers that were always there. To where justice reigns, those that have passed before us striving to die for mankind through war or just simply striving to survive sit with their King. Where previous powers are as accountable as anybody else; and we become as one forgiven and united in love and peace.
......................................................
As you can see to me it smacked of imagery and description. I believe its very well written and will be most thought provoking to many. As I have sad before with your pieces a written commentary along side would be most helpful as I feel some of your poems may hold a place for the future.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece. Anna-Marie
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Be with us when the threaded planets part
And necklaced constellations snap and scatter
Stars, like beaded brilliants, throughout space.
When our novaed Sun, its furnace dying,
Flares, a sputtered candle, in thy grace
With no 'I told you so' but soft 'Amen'
Be with us then.
i really love your technique of writing here. it
sounds very skilled, i have a fellow poet i have met on here also you might relate to his writings a bit. i will have to review my favorites list and get back with ya on it.
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on "Is There Anyone Out There?"
Hi. Thanks for your nice comment. Having said you like the way it's written, it would be nice to know what you think about what it says. -
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i think it is a beautiful plea to God for guidance to watch over us while we are corrupting ourselves. i think the title in itself says there is question and doubt in any kind of existence period, and i also think it can pertain to the public as to say, hey listen to what is happening to our world, can you do your part to try and straighten things out, little by little.
still once again, very creative artistic writing skills also. -
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on "Is There Anyone Out There?"
Many thanks for taking the time to reply. I find your observation re the title particularly insightful. This is a poem that really wrote itself and, as an agnostic, it left me somewhat unclear as to where it had taken me. Thanks again for taking the effort to be helpful. Cheers, jimmy
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