[he wrote
love letters in pencil-
so he could take away the words
on a whim.]
nothing so temporary
knew how to be true.
and you
fed off loopholes
that knotted a noose
for me to treasure:
like precious jewels-
to hold me
when I jump.
Author notes
Things that make me happy:
kitties
cinamon jolly ranchers
dandelions
orange-flavored chocolate
stuffed animals/soft things
opals
space/planets/stars
water color paint
acrylic paint
red hair
unicorns/ponies/pegasus
In a list
A contest entry
- critique. by DancingRed.
300 points, ended May 3, 2008, 14 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Ah, yes, this is a most beautiful piece. I love the word 'whim' - superb word choice there. I really think you've managed to encapsulate so much feeling in those first 5 lines especially.
I like the true/you rhyme, but I'm not liking the line "knew how to be true" - it's rather vague, and doesn't seem to add anything much to your piece. Perhaps that line could be tweaked a bit or cut out all together.
Hrmm. I don't think 'fed' is quite the right word there either. Also, I'm a little puzzled as to who the 'you' there actually refers to - you've introduced a 'he' character and later the 'I' persona of the poem. Perhaps something like this might work better --
loopholes knotted
a noose for me to
treasure:
I adore the ending. Your last three lines are full of surprise and just leap out at me the way words should.
Thanks for entering.
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strange poem....but very good! I like the title and how it fits poetically in several ways! great write!
Miss Marie -
Love the idea of love letters in pencil - though I certainly wouldn't want to get one...
Good formatting, better imagery. I think you put your thoughts down well. Good luck in the comp.
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wow! This was intense! You really swept me along into your world. Thanks for sharing your talent. Peace and light,
Kendal
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excellently depressingly awesome...
that pencil/love letter idea was really creative and awesome...i really like that bit...and the loopholes/noose parts were excellent lead ons to the end, that last line was really great! This was a very good write...I really love poems that give you that "punched in the gut" feeling inside, which this one did...awesome job!
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Hey! I wanted more and then it ended! No fair! I absolutely adore the very first line!
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beautifully heartbreaking
this was so short but the words were soooo powerful...
i really loved how you worded it....
so sad....much like all my poetry too...
this is definately trophy worthy .....
i can twait to read more of your work.....
good luck with the contest!!!!!!!
much love
and respect!!!!
LisaJazmine
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Hmmm...
Yeah, I like the penciled letter notion that he can take the words away on a whim--very cute--but at that junction he is referred to as "he". Later, when you say, "you fed off loopholes that knotted a noose..." the "you" is also "he", is it not? If so, I think it would be clearer to just say "he fed off loopholes..."
If we start getting too many pronouns in a piece that all refer to the same person it starts to get confusing. If "he" and "you" are two different people, then I'm totally lost.
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You know what? I really like that first line about writing love letters in pencil. It's just really striking because pencil is really what someone writes in if they know they may want to erase it. So for someone to write a love letter in that way is so sad. I think so anyways. But I don't think I would have ever stopped to think about it if you hadn't written it here. It's really clever.
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beautiful.. so complex in the smallest words
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i think it's a great come back. i really love those final few lines. they are very well laid out. thank you as always for the entry.
justin -
I thought this was absolutely fantastic. I actually really enjoyed the formatting you used as well as the punctuation. I think it worked well for the piece, and your words were simple but perfect. Good luck in the contest.
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awesome.
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