A sudden lack of oxygen to the brain,
As I sense the creeping curse
An overwhelming shatter of pain,
Couldn't possibly hinder worse.
Wash away any train of thought,
This bizarre paralysis of fear
I bare my teeth as a wince escapes,
Along with a hurried tear.
A thousand knives focus on a quick farewell,
A dull ache licking my screaming veins
Pulsating and pushing every fragile cell,
Contaminating all my shell contains...
Author notes
"bah-humbug"
AN-PureAmethyst
Amaranthine Lover
A contest entry
- A concussion. by LittleKnowItAll.
400 points, ended August 26, 2007, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - all the prewrites you want (theres a catch) by serenity silvermoon.
400 points, ended January 7, 299 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
Excellent poem for the promp you won gold with.
Good job.
Thanks for entering. -
reason for removal:
no rhyming allowed. -
I love this, it's like told from a distant so it's cold it's self and gives you that cold feeling, that something is coming over you.
'A dull ache licking my screaming veins
Pulsating and pushing every fragile cell'
I loved that, really captures you. So strong.
This is something I noticed, in the second and last verse the first line and the third rhyme but not in the first verse. Wondered if you did this on purpose or if you didn't notice.
<33
<33
-
A captivating piece darling, I have mixed feelings about where I'm going to place you in the competition now but I'm adamant I'm going to judge all 5 entries fairly and this was a nice piece, slightly over the line margin but like I've said in other entries the rules can always be bent a little. 'Along with a hurried tear' were the lines that jumped out the most, thought it was a lovely touch the hurried tear line in particular, but mostly it just fully portrayed the feeling of a concussion as it happens.
Good luck in the competition,
x -
-
Thanks baby
x
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
