The swirl of magenta overwhelms me,
Your rhapsody makes the forest enchant me.
With these crazed hues of pink and green,
I only wish that I wasn't seen.
The words bind to me like wet cloth..
The trees whisper at the ocean froth,
The black ivy cutting my wrists,
I only wish I could see through the mist.
The solemn attitude of a grey wolf,
The river scents and silence engulfs.
The breaking dawn bringing doomsday to us all.
The buildings towering so high..so tall.
The mistake makers have a few words to say,
Convey that it's not all work and play.
Brilliance brings monotony and bribe,
The music posts another world of vibe.
The serpent cries of high pitched silence..
The cyber-glass, fluorescent green fence.
The hovering guilt and feelings of empathy,
A lion's understanding of sympathy.
The grass grows brown with the monsoon sun
The cradle tips and the world falls down.
The breaking glass makes me fall back into place,
The sun comes out and smiles without a face.
The evil wink of a star at night,
Makes it hard for us to fight,
To gather power, open shreds of courage
To another fearful gathering just to encourage.
The spiteful glance of a vulture, so high up in the sky,
To make conditions necessary, he tries
But blunders on to the next new hope
Until tied down by a sorrow rope.
The swirl of magenta overwhelms me,
You're rhapsody makes the forest enchant me.
With these crazed hues of pink and green,
I only wish that I wasn't seen.
A contest entry
- Options Gallor!!!!!!!! by Ale E.
550 points, ended September 16, 2007, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything goes by crystallynnbradford.
565 points, ended September 19, 2007, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-write Party [Why not?] by DancingRed.
300 points, ended September 26, 2007, 53 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Mmmm, this is getting a bit on the longer side for my poor concentration levels.
Second line - I think you meant 'your'.
'rhapsody' is such a beautiful, colourful word to use.
Not too keen on rhyme at the best of times, but not many of your rhymes are all that unique - we've all read the green/seen and all/tall rhymes before. To keep the flow smoother you could also try keeping the syllable counts the same in adjacent lines - I find that works well.
I love the line 'The grass grows brown with the monsoon sun' - alliteration and internal rhyme at it's finest.
"so high up in the sky" - this phrase seems a bit redundant to me, as one would expect something up high to be already in the sky, and vice versa.
The repetitions of 'The' as a line starting came across as a little un-poetic and I don't think the repetition of the first stanza was needed at the end; it already seems long enough. Remember it's quality not quantity.
You have some truly great images within this piece - I love the "solemn attitude of a grey wolf."
Thanks for entering.
DancingRed.
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oh wow.. thanks so much for that comment! It was really refreshing.. Haven't got a critical one in a while. And it feels good. hehe.. thanks!!
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very nice....loving the flow and the rhyme scheme was wicked..i like the repeating verses
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I've been avoiding repeating a verse, but I love the repitition at the end. It just slams it for me. excellent.
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wow very nice! Your choice of words were awsome and your imagery out of this world. Very good flow throughout this piece. Very good indeed. Welcome to my preliminary finalists list!!! Thank you for entering my contest. I wish you the best of luck.
aleXox- never stop writing.
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wow, thanks!!
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wow! nice hehe... good thing i drop by ur profile to read this incredible poem.. i love it. the way it captures me by its imagery.. cause some poems just bore me this one well just simply amazing
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Damn sexy imagery.
Oh, and silence and fence don't rhyme.
Just thought I'd let you know.
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amazing work. love the flow of this and the imagry is excellent. well done.
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Thank you
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