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Victim

Emotions are my inspiration,
Sorry asses are my aggravation.

Some days I have pointless complications,

Others happiness is my destination.

Love is my motivation,

Heartbreak is my mutilation.

Seems like my life is under observation,

Why am I the investigation?

I'm only one in this population.

Yet I'm under everyone's recommendation,

I can't have any relaxation.

I think I need rehabilitation.

This world has me in rotation.

I can't live up to everyone's expectation.

I'm starting to lose my motivation.

My body feels as if starvation.

I have to learn to control the temptation.

Do I always have to be the victim?

A contest entry

Gr-rwar!

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 17 of 17

  • Freed by Mercy silver member
    October 16, 2007

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    You're telling, not showing. I see no real imagery in this piece, just forced monorhyme, like you're trying to rap.


  • Oedhel
    October 10, 2007

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    Results...

    Unique- 4/4 Great originality, in everything about the poem.

    Rhythm- 4/4 Flows great.

    Wording- 3/4 Some of the lines either didn’t fit or in one case was grammatically incorrect to the point the sentence didn’t make sense…

    EOR- 4/4 flowed great. Easy to understand.

    Final Score- 15/16 Great Job.

  • Mercury Rising
    October 3, 2007

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    It's really not easy to sustain a monorhyme of this length, so I really admire your effort here. Best of luck in my contest, and thanks for entering this excellent piece.

    David


  • Tarja
    September 21, 2007

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    Oh my... Well... no sorry I didn't like this at all.. I mean... just because... of the way you rhymed with the same basic scheme... over and over and over again... I will say I have never really seen a poem do that before with that many different words... but I just ... blah... no! Sorry!

  • abba12
    September 21, 2007

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    i love the rhyming in this! amazing. its very hard to keep good consitent aaaaaaaaaaaa rhyming but you did it. and the frustration it is shows, its well done. my only advise would be to add a space between the last of the rhyming lines and 'do i always have to be the victim' since it is seperate, unrhyming and a question. well done, great work


  • The Perfectionist
    September 21, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I really loved this poem, I loved how it rhymed. Great write! <33


  • NakedHeart
    September 21, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I have lived this. I enjoyed this write a lot. You speak so much that I can not say. Great write.

  • jaybeedubya
    September 21, 2007

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    Awesome to the nth degree!

    I'm sure I could give some kind critique..But why? You're obviously a great writer judging by this poem. I can feel it, I can see it...Hell Love, I can damn well taste it. It kind of yells "Alone in a crowded" room to me...Swift, rolling, full of momentum...Then stop. It was great, you've talent.


  • Jonathan ROBIN
    August 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Twisting tale

    Interesting monorhyme with a twist at the end which would perhaps have been that much more effective had the title not pre-empted the effect ... Why not 'Why ?' as title.

    Monorhyme can be very effective if followed well and backed up by technique.

    perhaps it may be thought appropriate to redraft through tightening up the syllable count so as to enhance readers' perceptions ...

    for :

    Emotions are my inspiration,
    Sorry asses are my aggravation.
    Some days I have pointless complications,
    Others happiness is my destination.
    Love is my motivation,
    Heartbreak is my mutilation.
    Seems like my life is under observation,

    perhaps

    Emotions are my inspiration,
    Sorry asses aggravation.
    Some days suffers complications,
    Others joy's my destination.
    Love remains my motivation,
    Heartbreak is my mutilation.
    Seems life is under observation, ./.


    Hoping this comment is construed as proactive criticism

    • abba12
      September 21, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      i just read your revised version of the poem and i have to disagree. i feel that some of the lines you wrote actually change the meaning of that line if phrased that way. tighter sylables can help but not at the expense of the meaning.


  • BAMFNx3
    August 28, 2007

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    Wow. This poem was AMAZING. A poem in this style takes time and skill to write. Great job. I could definately connect.

  • Acidanthra
    August 28, 2007

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    Oh, I can so relate to this poem! Seems as if duality is your enemy. It's either black or white, no in between.

    I feel that you are not happy when you feel happiness, and you are not happy when you feel the darkness.

    Nothing ever works out in your best interest. I live that everyday. I really enjoyed the way that you wrote this. I felt each word as it passed.

    Very good write!


  • Shockerloba
    August 28, 2007

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    This is so fun to read, well done keeping the end rhyme. I like the change at the end too. This is a really cool write, coolies to you for being original! It makes you a rarity in my ap wanderings. And as for subject matter, tell me about it, you've conveyed a well known well sympathised problem very well, and yes, it passes, it does get better and it will go away... but more like a slow fade than a poof, and only if you let it.


  • guttermouth
    August 28, 2007

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    Overall I think this was good. A difficult style to pull off. One line didn't really get through to me (Yet I'm under everyone's recommendation). Aside from that one piece which may just be beyond my interpretation, I think this was nicely done.

  • JustBreathe gold member
    August 26, 2007

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    Very creative write! Amazing amount of end rhyme, yet you made it work! I could 'feel' your aggravation. Great job ... enjoyed the read. Thanks for sharing this one. ....JustBreathe


  • grannyeri gold member
    August 26, 2007

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    Lots of the same end rhyme in these lines - except the last one. All others are ion, then that im is a different one. This is easy to read and understand, and is fun to read out loud. Just wonder if all the periods are needed as I think it stops the flow in a way. Not the easiest kind for poetry to write and you have done an awesome job here. Liked the opening two lines that started it all off.


  • BeautifulFlame
    August 26, 2007

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    WOW!

    I am in AWE ! You did a splendid job on this ! Its packed full of raw emotions and your form is excellent !
    I admire this poem if you need a few more points to feature let me know !
    I love this much talent here!!!
    Love your AP Mom
    ~Lisa~

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