I stand and gaze
the glow of the sun on the hills,
the swan spreads wings
and then lies still,
the birds and bugs
they whistle past,
and time stops at last
complacently complete,
placidly accepting my defeat
as the shades of color
sweep me from my feet,
and finally i gently weep.
A contest entry
- Picture Inspired Contest by R-Evolve.
1500 points, ended September 11, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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hello
I think there's too many 'and's and 'the's
plus, I don't think you've finished well, it's a bit 'eek' (in the sonic sense) -
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Hello,
Thanks for your criticism i guess, bit off balance by it really, didn't think anyone was ever going to actually get up and be constructive in this place.
I can see what you mean by the incomplete part but right now i guess I'm not in the most inspired of moods,
And i have a tendency to overuse the word 'and' across the board but i was under the impression it was quite toned down in this one, guess I'm just not seeing it.
what did you think of the poem on the whole anyway, assuming I'm calling it a 'work in progress' so to speak? -
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what do I think?
you would do well to edit. there's some nice images in your poem, but it's clumsily presented
if this was mine, I'd drop the intent/message behind the 'reason for writing' and pick out the best lines, to go from there -
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I'll take a gander at it and see what i can do.
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