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Beauty Died When You Left Me

Bright petals,
Sparkling reds,
Brilliant Green,
(My heart once felt like a Flower.)

(You held my heart in your hands)
Showing off its beauty

It was the pride of the garden

(You made me so happy)  

.

But time passed by

The flower started to wilt

And next to the newer blooms

Its started to just look ordinary.

Ordinary flower
(What changed?)
Browning at the edges
(Have I grown old to you?)

The flower now stands alone
(I'm sure pitiful sight)
Its feelings of being inadequate

Has grown stronger

As the flowers around it

Grow prettier.

(do you have to look at them like that?)


Wilted flower
falling over in the sun

loss in its betrayal

(was it her innocence?)

With no one to show it off

Its lost its beauty....

.

.

...(I hate you)...

 

Author notes

PersuingHappyness

The words in parenthesis are the flower talking.... its a metaphor.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 15 of 15
  • XxLoverOfDarknessxX
    August 23

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    AWESOME JOB HERE! i loved reading this! it was well written and had a great depth and flow to it. Your metaphors were amazing and very vivid. i loved the imagery and emotions; they were stunning and beautifully done. thanks for sharing this! BRAVO! WOW! i could see you going far with your poetry; you could write a book. keep up the amazing work here! I loved this! great job!


  • Charlotte Whispers
    June 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I like this. I like how it seems like in large parts of the poem with the lines in parentheses and the lines not in the parentheses that it's a back and forth conversation or argument or something.

    I loved the lines 'But time passed by
    The flower started to wilt
    And next to the newer blooms
    Its started to just look ordinary.' the most, excellent writing.


  • warrior-eagle
    November 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    With no one to show it off

    Its lost its beauty.

    I liked that best. The end was just great a simple,painful I hate you.Thanks for entering.

    ..Simply Me♥


  • crimsetssorrow
    November 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Perhaps you would enjoy Emily Dickenson? "But Beauty was Scarce" would be a good one for you to look into!


  • q-pid
    November 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This is really good!!! One of my favorites so far.

    Good luck!!!!

    /q-pid/


  • Immortal Obscurity Greeters member
    October 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I thoroughly enjoyed this, my dear. I know how it feels to lose love, and getting over it isn't the easiest thing to do. Sometimes, though, there is nothing you CAN do, except start the long, hard crawl back to the surface. It's a not an easy road, but nothing that's easy to get to is worth having, now is it? Very well done, and good luck in the contest.


  • samara11278
    September 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my god.

    This is exactly how I feel this very moment!!
    (My bf just told me he doesn't love me anymore )

    Great Job!
    The message is conveyed perfectly, and I love the analogy to the flower. Amazing!


  • DancingRed
    September 21, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I love the innocent frankness about this line - '(Have I grown old to you?)'

    Overall metaphor was good.

    Your capitalisation changes a bit throughout your piece, which came across as a little unprofessional.

    Also, this piece is longer than I was looking for in the contest. Thanks for entering but I don't think it will win.



    DancingRed.

    • PersuingHappyness
      September 21, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      I tried to use the capitalisation as a device. In the begining, she is really confident and there is a lot of captalisation, in the end she is no longer confident I was trying to make the words smaller, at the time I wrote this I wasn't a gold member and couldn't just change the font size. Thanks for reading it anyway.

      Donna


  • Epilogue
    September 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I like how you went through the different stages and feelings of the flower. I thought it was sort of sad- but i guess that's the point. Good write.


  • cemetary way
    September 16, 2007
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    i think it's good! a little confusiong but good.

    Nice poem. It made me feel very sad,will you please read one of mine?


  • clementine
    September 13, 2007
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    that makes me sad in that "man, i know that feeling" kind of way. very very nicely put.


  • whiterabbit.
    September 10, 2007

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    This is so beautiful and so sad. I really love this and the way you wrote it is wonderful. The flow is great and the descriptions are amazing. great job doll.


  • A Lonely Akumu
    August 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Breath taking

    I read this at least twice and I couldn't get over the orignallity and beauty this piece expresses. Telling a story in a metaphorical format...it's astounding and beyond words..I can't explain how amazed I am by this poem. Your truely talented and creative. I bow to your greatness <3 And I'm not being sarcastic

1 - 15 of 15