it is one thing
to live life outside the box
and yet another to live in one
[he said]
staying alive required hard choices
in a house where love died long ago
and dreams were barely breathing
[she said]
parents going through the motions
believing children should be seen
and not heard
and even "seen" is optional
[he nodded]
it was time to go
[she told him]
into the lonely hours before dawn
my savings in my jeans pocket
and the rest of my life
fit neatly into a gym bag
walking...walking...
that was two years ago
but this is a box
[he said]
houses come in many forms
[she said]
walls of plaster
walls of wood and even
walls of cardboard
homes are built out of flesh
and bones
but you have no heat
[he said]
nor water
nor electricity
not even a roof
i have heaven above me
[she said]
and something you do not...
my dreams
but i'll share
[she reached up
plucked a star from the sky
handing it to him]
[he stared at it in wonder and asked]
can i have a box to go with this?
[she just smiled]
Author notes
The contest image was just captivating...
In a list
A contest entry
- Image Contest by Touchof1der.
700 points, ended September 7, 2007, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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This is not quite what I had imagine when I saw the title of this poem...although I am not to sure what it was that I was expecting. I must say that I love the way you formatted this. Its also as if you wrote this in a conversation type style. I like the hopefulness that is shown towards the end of this poem. There for a minute I thought you were about to make me cry. I also like how I feel this could be taken in so may ways then what you might have intended. Congratulations to you on your bronze trophy. You were definately deserving of it.
~Midnight Lace -
wow, this was beautiful and a great take on the prompt. it was full of imagery and emotion and told such a wonderful story. congrats on the bronze. be well and be blessed
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This is absolutely wonderful. A very interesting look at the picture prompt. A wonderful message you have woven into the words of this poem. Congratulations on the trophy. I loved it. Thank you for sharing.
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zt,
I think this is a poem that was waiting for the right moment to be written. Its fantastic.
he stared at it in wonder and asked]
can i have a box to go with this?
[she just smiled]
Wow, leave it to the average Jo to see a miracle and ask it to change. -
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Thank you for stopping by. The query about the box in this was done to have an ambiguous meaning. I wanted it to sound casual, as you interpretted it, like he wanted a box in which to put the star. But the more important meaning that I wanted people to get was that in the gift of the star, he learned what she already knew and was ready to join her on the street and live in a box of his own. Ah well... I guess that wasn't clear enough. ~smile~
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"I met in the street a very poor young man who was in love. His hat was old, his coat worn, his cloak was out at the elbows, the water passed through his shoes, - and the stars through his soul.” ~ Victor Hugo
Yess..
This is a truly beautiful poem. Some say true beauty cannot be depicted by the gentle stroke of a brush or the swiftness of a pen... or can it?
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wow, i can identify with this very very well, ill have to go see the picture. for years i lived on the street, mostly by choice, and i was pretty happy about it. friends would meet me in one spot or another and ask why i didnt choose to do something about it, why i was happy in my alley. id point to my little spot, the little things id set out to make it home. id pick an orange from the tree hanging over the fence, and share my breakfast wtih them. sure i had a few wet and cold nights, but compared to the absolute beauty of some of the people ive met and places ive seen, i think it was me who came out on top. home is truly inside you, cliched though it may be. thank you again, for another amazing write.
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Having never lived on the streets, I have to imagine what it is like and try to project that into my words. From your comments here, it sounds like I may have come close in some way. Thank you for that!
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I loved this ...
I simply adore conversational poetry. And your write is stunning. Such character sketching, such simplicity of solution. I said to a Poetess a few hours ago: Life is often sad, but often "solutions" are sadder.
You painted a lovely picture here. Thank you, and good luck in the contest. This is a very creative entry, with a wondrous interpretation of the visual material.
Be blessed.
Myra
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Thank you for your comments. The image just spoke to me when I saw it. I saw how the situation would be normally interpretted as a sad thing, but wanted this to have an upbeat ending. You should always count your blessings. There are a lot of people in the world who would trade places with you in a heartbeat and I know that I would not want to trade places with them.
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ohhh.... so.... beautiful
so beautiful it hurts...
I agree with Black Widow: this is a favorite.
I love the careful use of dialogue, and the images you created so vividly. Amazing write. Truly, one worthy of publication.
I don't know what to say except "sigh"
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this was..... beautiful. captivating, as your notes say. if the image was captivating, your words have even exceeded it! this was.... my favorite of yours i believe!
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the poem was captivating too
I told you, see other people see the same thing, they read and feel like they can take it as their own, and yet it can be interpreted by a diffrent reader with a diffrent motive, lol Touchof1der saw it too. hope you won.
I liked the added little [he said] [she said] that spiced things up for me even more, I do that sometimes when I write, but I have never tried using the brackets... food for thought.
~Kar
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WoW! Before I give a full critique on this, let me point out one small nit you might want to give attention to when you get a free moment.
In the second stanza... "parents going though- should be {THROUGH} the motions"
There are times and situations when I feel a piece like this might have fit my own life's situation... sadly. You know, sometimes you just seem to stumble across a piece and read down through the lines a time or two or three or even four
and you still feel a certain unsettling in the core of your being as to how you feel about what you have read or even what to think of it. It leaves you pondering. I guess you could say that is what this piece has done for me personally. It has left me pondering. Your words will remain in my mind for some time to come while I decipher them further at my leisure. I see more than one way for a reader to interpret this and that makes it exceptionally phenominal. The ending leaves a tingling up the spine.
Thank you for taking the time to enter my contest and good luck.
♥ Touchof1der
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Thank you for catching that typo. I read through it several times and missed it. The spellchecker here missed it too (no surprise given it was a valid word, albeit the wrong one). I'm glad this poem had that effect on you. Your feeling about the ending is just what I'd hoped for.
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