You defiantly hurt us,
no matter what the consequences
you force us to deal with.
You left me.
Left my sisters.
Left your sons.
Left your wife.
My mother...
We cry more often now,
like I'm doing right now.
You take your stand,
thinking it will be better for you to go.
Wrong...
What part of causing pain fixes things?
What part of abandonment will make you better?
What amount of tears can make you see,
that leaving will only break us both to the core?
I can't deal with other problems,
when I'm just wondering,
why my father doesn't love me.
Doesn't want me.
Doesn't know I need him.
Doesn't care,
That I'm dying inside....
I know I can't bring you back,
though maybe...
I'll make you see what you've done.
To me.
To my sisters.
To your sons.
To your wife.
Goodbye...
Author notes
Prompt= "Resigned to consequence as defiance made its stance..."
................. freeverse w/ line break..........
Option 3: Quotes
quote #5. It hurts to love you the way I do and then look at you and realize how much you don’t care...
yeah... Spacing Angel
mood ring turned red
In a list
- All Good Things Written group list • next in list
A contest entry
- INVITE ONLY #2 by Laura Lamarca.
1900 points, ended September 13, 2007, 27 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Anything! [Part 2!] by ToxicSuicide.
700 points, ended April 26, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites. for my favorites ONLY. by sideways hourglass.
463 points, ended October 30, 53 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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defiantly --> definitely ?
The emotion is present, but I think your emotions would be conveyed to your reader stronger if it was expressed creatively. Metaphors and similes and images are good poetic devices to help not only make your poem more interesting in general, but when used most effectively, such devices can improve the emotions of your poem.
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"You defiantly hurting us,"
I feel that "You" should be "You're" or "You are". "You defiantly" sounds off. Unless it's in exclamation. If so, I would suggest placing an exclamation point at the end of the line instead of taking the former suggestion.
"when I'm just wondering,
why my father doesn't love me."
The first line is an enjambment of the next line, I would suggest removing the comma at the end of the first.
Emotional piece. Has some good points. Nice poem here.
-Nam
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This is such a strong poem. Pain, hearbreak and almost a hint of anger ring through the words and my mind. My favorite part was,
"You left me.
Left my sisters.
Left your sons.
Left your wife.
My mother..."
Those words are like a papercut to the heart. The visual way the words are written really brings it to life. Thanks for entering my contests and good luck.
~ToxicSuicide. -
wow great job portraying emotions in this poem! what a great write!
=) -
wow. a very strong, very emotional write! well done!!!
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this is a reli greta piece
but i said only rhyme.....
but this is well written!!!
good luck
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im sorry, ive been very sick latey and I guess i skipped reading that part, I will remove it from the contest then. and again, im sorry.
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This is a very sad, powerful and strong piece.
Great job on this. It has a lot of impact.
Thank you for entering and good luck
♥ Kathraina
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Scary
This was an intense piece and though the weird setup is something I am not use to so much, it certainly works for this piece! This was actually kind of scary hitting so close to home for me, I myself am a foster child, or was anyway though i found a family, I had abandonment issues with my Father big time who I now know and talk to but those issues never go away. So if this is based off anything real in your life, I can certainly relate, and don't take it the wrong way, but i wish i couldn't, but ah well, it is a GREAT poem and deserves some hands being put together so here ya go.
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I like the unique style and heart that went into this. Very nice writting.
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i loved this one...i can tell your just amazing... the same stuff happened to me... my father left me my sister my mother... and then tried to come back but when he came back for 2 days i thought he would stay but he left and never came back.. he did allot of fucked up shit to me and my sister that i will never forget him for....i loved this poem allot.... best of luck... from katelynn
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What part of causing pain fixes things?
What part of abandonment will make you better?
What amount of tears can make you see,
that leaving will only break us both to the core?
aww this is beautiful... I really feel the anger and sadness that this poem portrays!
best of luck in the contests.
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Lol they all ended already... two years ago actually, back before I forgot the password to this account.
But thank you for your comment.
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awwww this was sooo sad!!!!
i feel for you
*hugglez you* amazinggggly written though!!!
i liked the deep emotion poured into this poem... it was quite beautiful. i liked the transition of the "You left me.Left my sisters.Left your sons.
Left your wife" to the "To me.To my sisters.To your sons. To your wife"
i also loved the form of this poem. very fantastic! i lovedd it
huggglezzz
adria!!!! <3
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Thank you, but I'm pretty much over it now, its been two years.
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good goods
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Oh sis! Beautiful people like you should never have to go through this! Just look towards the end of the tunnel for now. Keep moving forward, so you can prove that he was wrong!
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You have definately written something full of powerful words and emotions. It's sad when one of your parents abandons you and the rest of the family
well expressed yourself!! -
A very strong piece. You did well lettting your feelings out here and did it with style. Good job!
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Intense emotions you've expressed here. Sometimes people don't understand the depth of the consequences their actions can have on others, or are simply to selfish to care. Good write. Thank you for the entry.
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wonderful!
very nice writing, good flow with words and the pormpt is really a nice stanza. thank you for entering and good luck in the contest! -
this is amazing, and quite sad about your feelings
me i'm wishing mine would go away, he causes pain by staying, he inflicts it ever day on me, and i hate him
but i like your poem especially how you begin and start it, it goes so well!!!
good luck in the contests!!!
stephanie
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I understand....I had to raise my newborn sister when I just turned six....everyone always thinks im way to mature but I had to so there! loved this great write
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Rubric Grade A+ (97%)
Initial Impact/Reaction 10/10
Originality 10/10
Creativity 10/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow 9/10
Poetic device/verbiage 9/10
Ideas/metaphors/imagery 10/10
Cohesion 10/10
Understandable/makes sense 10/10
Overall poetic effort 5/5
Emotion/personality/edge 5/5
Last impact/reaction 9/10
Excellent indeed, well done! La x
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Wow!!
This really hit me knowing that my father left me and my family when i was young it was hard to read because it brought up things from my past Thank you soo much for this write good luck in the contest!!! -
I found this a bit hard to read but i thought apart from the layout it was well-written. A very emotional write.
Thankyou for etnering and good luck in my contest.
Katie
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Intense and Emotional
This is a stellar write from a technical standpoint with sharp points and intense emotion expressed in a brilliant way. The message is clear and honest and the content is amazing. You have truly outdone yourself. The usage of the prompt is spot on and perfection. I am emotionally struck by this piece and I am saddened by the hurt that you have faced and are facing. I understand how painful things are and I am sure that you will have a healing to go through before you are able to work through these circumstances. Bless you and I hope that you are able to heal and regain some of what has been taken from you.
Things may look dark now, but with life and hope all things are possible. Wonderful poem form a true talent.
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This is a great poem and it makes me sad to read it. It certainly has a message and gets it across, but is also tender and emotional. A wonderful poem and good luck in the contest!
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