I wake each day in gray light and lay in the pooled blankets trying to decide whether it is worth the effort of trying to be happy. The phone rings some days in the early hours and my lover whispers beautiful things from miles away across the world.
Fear trys to control every aspect of my life, but I am changing now. I can no longer be a child and sink back into the black tar murk that constantly laps at the corners of my conscience, I must be strong and grow and learn and set aside these emotions that hunt me.
I want to die, some mornings, I wake and see myself sitting across from the bed, tears streaming down my pale face, I watch as I lean against the stark wall gray light oozing under the window slats. I know this vision from hundreds of other times and I have ceased to try and look away. She puts the gun to her forhead and paints the coldness in red drips and swirls color at last in her faded eyes she lets it all go...
So many times I watch myself die, sinking into the black. I want to live though, I want to feel the wind in my hair, feel Loves skin against mine lips covering my mouth and tongue erasing memory, I want to feel my babys soft cheek against my shoulder her tiny fingers encircling mine. I want to live and breathe and let the past go, let my nightmares die alone without me to watch them.
I am surrounded by humanity, by love and beauty...
but I feel alone crushed against the waves, helpless to protect and provide for those I love... my sweet sister has that darkness in her eyes, I see her ghosts torturing her as mine cut me, I see her growing and preparing to use her body to get what she really wants... love, and I wish she would understand how far away and dark that road is. I wish I had money to treat my daughter like the princess she is, I wish I had money just to feed her and buy us time in this world.
My life flows in neverending circles and for one moment I would like to escape to that place where my dreams won't ever die...
Author notes
When will it end for me?
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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AWESOME!!
I liked it.
I liked how you grabbed the readers attention!
Alot of imagery in this peice.
As if you really were there expeircing it.
Amazing job!
-Mandi
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By "hunt" I think you mean "haunt" ?
When I read this piece,it brought forth emotions of fear,hopelessness,anguish....
Perfect.
I couldn't stop reading....
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awwww, i can relate
I know those feelings, for many times I have thought of ending it, ending the pain, ending the flowing tears, the sadness that no one understands or want to know. Hang in there things can and will improve.
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~smile~ You still got it! I love the way your words haunt and pull the reader into your world. I know that life looks dark right now, but that won't last. Take it a day at a time or even an hour at a time, if that is what it takes. You are strong and you need that strength for your daughter. She needs you now and pretty much the rest of your life. It doesn't stop when they turn 18, you'll find out. Hang in there and don't let go of your dreams...
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this is amazing. you can feel everything, feel the realness in it.
kudos
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